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Due to my Asperger's my girlfriend of 4-years and I are breaking up. This I have been told directly, the syndrome being too much for her to understand and handle. Her fear lies greatly in the future, that is, when we were to get engaged/married, she worried of the intimacy/sexual issues; it is true, I do not place sex as the most important aspect of my life. I love the romance, adoration and affection. Sex is secondary to all of this. She is a strong Christian girl so I am not attempting to portray her as a shallow, mindless, sex-addicted person-- she is not.

It is all very complex and I truly do not comprehend the depths of her complaints: there have been other issues during our time together, yes, but nothing we could not work out. After being diagnosed with Asperger's it all became more clear to her and myself-- the way I am, the way I act, all traditional symptoms of the syndrome. Many symptoms she could live with, I presume, like the lack of eye-contact, clumsiness and the other rudimentary symptoms. She cannot get out of her mind, though, the times she said I have been "rude" to her family (not rude, I am a very polite and quite person)-- I was just not as friendly and interactive as she wished. (I guess it is a lack of interest).

She claims I do not "know her", that I do not ask her questions or listen to her. She is my best friend and I have always tried to give the best of myself to her. I guess it was the best I could do.

Thank-you for reading. I just had to vent.

-Matty

Sorry to hear that.

In the long term, though, if she can't accept you for who you are, she probably wasen't worth it anyway.

First of all, sometimes people just want to break up, and your AS is very convenient.

Secondly, I get the distinct impression as an NT person, that it IS very difficult for someone with AS to as you said, "comprehend her complaints."

There are a lot of books on AS in relationships that might be helpful to understanding what your girlfriend is talking about.

Although she is not well liked, Maxine Aston's Couples Workbook is pretty compassionate.

Also, there are three books, "Alone Together", and "The Asperger Marriage" and "Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships" by Ashley Stanford. All of those are aspie-friendly.

Many of the other authors out there seem to overgeneralize or they just hate aspies.

I know there are those who would recommend counseling, but that is going to depend on the counselor, and some of them will not be helpful.

Finally, and I've gotten this from getting blasted by people on this site--no two people with AS are alike. You are not really going to know what will happen with a given NT until you get there; some can accept AS with a lot less difficulty. I would not blame yourself because she decided that she couldn't handle it.

Thank-you for both for your thoughtful replies.

I am very sorry, sometimes you have to look at the bright side of things even if you hurt pretty badly (I'm sorry I know I suck at making things better). You can be a strong person and move on in life! Good Luck!

Reading poppyx reply makes me read into this as more than I would have.

It probably is just an excuse. How you could spend 4 years with someone and then it suddenly be too much is beyond me (unless they thought they could change you and lost hope for that). Sounds more like "I'm bored, I've been with you for 4 years and I think I could do better or have more fun before I get tied down"

You answered your own question very well there. Just after my diagnosis, my wife mysteriously decided that she'd have to go and live in London because employers are too racist in the provinces, and that she needed to spend more time with her kids, who were already grown up, pretty much. She still denies that the DX had anything to do with it.


I had that one too, some time back. I wasn't able to proactively "embrace" her family, but all she did was rail at me for being such a bastard. I never once pushed any of them away and I was never nasty to any of them. Best guess is that she can't handle being unable to bully me into becoming the guy she'd like me to be. Her wishes were always important to me, and I told her over and over that yelling at me was getting in the way of solving the problems.....she eventually cut back on the yelling but she seems to know no other way of negotiating.

Unlike you, I'm now stuck in Limbo because she doesn't wish to end the marriage or get a new partner. She has no idea whether or when she's coming back. I don't know who's worse off, me or you.

Anyway, I've heard it's inappropriate to mention my own experiences in response to somebody else's story of pain, even if the subject matter is pretty much identical. Personally I always find it a comfort when people do that with me because it proves that somebody else understands something about what I feel. But apologies in advance if I'm wrong.

Hope you don't start feeling that you're not fit to live with because of your disability. My self-confidence took quite a knock but I still seem to be afloat. Some people just aren't up to living with an Aspie but there's always hope of enlightenment for them, and I'm sure there are some people who can just accept us pretty much as we are.

It may be that she can accept him for who he is as in she doesn't want to change him to suit her - but at the same time does not want to be with him any longer because of how he is. She got out rather than expected him to change maybe. People move on as they change. Hopefully they can still be friends. He is the best person to now if she is worth friendship or getting back with if that was ever to happen.

No need for apologies. I feel the same way you do about sharing and the comfort that can come from it. Thank-you for sharing your story with me (us).

Thanks for this And frankly I've never been able to understand why it's supposed to be wrong - unless I go and capture the agenda and turn the whole thing into something that's just about me. Strangely enough, my wife used to object because she felt I was just saying "pooh, that's nothing, I've had that before." But I suspect if she'd listened to me instead of to her own insecurities, she wouldn't have felt that way.

Just my two cents?

Personally, it's really helpful when you include details.

I'm an NT reading this forum to try to understand an AS person of long-standing friendship/romantic weirdness, so I really want to know what you think.