How to make my friend feel better.

Post Reply New Topic

I recently made a new friend. Things were going well until today. He abruptly told me that he is sorry he isn't more intelligent and that I have to "dumb it down" for him. Essentially he feels inferior. His intelligence is perfectly average, as far as I can tell.

I'm not sure if it is possible to fix this, but I tried to explain I value him as a person and that we all have our strengths and weaknesses. Having a high IQ is not unlike being taller. If I had Yoa Ming as a friend, I wouldn't apologize for being short. I don't think that helped.

Does anyone have any suggestions? I do not want to lose his friendship because of this.

Tell him that you accept him, as he is.

Agreed.

Well, I had a friend who kept doing this. I finally got tired of her low self-esteem issues, especially when she was always getting envious and jealous about my perceived advantages. It got old, after awhile. I don't know how much you have in common with your friend, but this may get to be a problem, if there isn't mutual acceptance on both sides. It sounds like you accept him, but he isn't comfortable with the way that you happen to be.

I once had a friend who would bash himself one minute and be incredibly rude to others, including me, the next. He also had a short fuse and was very prone to bursting into tears like a little b****. He also persistantly said "You don't have to be my friend Stu." as reverse psychology. Eventually he moved to Texas. I can't believe I was ever his friend and I don't respond to his E-mails. My mom keeps reminding me that he went through his own hardships because my mother always has an excuse for anyone who psychologically abuses me. I know that his b**** whining was mostly just cruel manipulation that has had permanant negative effects on my brain. Also, you wouldn't believe how mean he was to his little brother who had aspergers. I miss his little brother. His little brother was a lovable, sweet little boy.

So, what I'm saying here is that a little self-deprication is just a sign of low self-esteem, but if someone starts looking like they're manipulating you with it, call them on their garbage.

EDIT: I confess that memories of him might be a big part of what make me repulsed by autism hatred, exessive self-depricating, use of psychological manipulation and overall B****iness.

Thank you all for your insight and suggestions.

I have said these exact words. And variations thereof. It was not effective.

As Hartzofspace said, it may be that he has some self-esteem issue to work out. Having considered this problem further, I see nothing else I can do. If I had a higher EQ to match my IQ maybe I could have avoided this problem, but I don't. I suppose I'll just have to hope he can overcome these feelings of inadequacy.

Do you think maybe he underestimates himself? Is he smarter than he thinks he is, or does he show signs that he COULD be?

Sometimes THAT will mean more to someone than saying that you accept them "as they are." If "as they are" is in their head a negative, they may not take it in the complimentary sense you meant it in. Someone VERY sensitive could even take it as patronizing. Not saying that happened here, though--that's the worst-case scenario.

What age range are we talking, here? The friend I referred to, was over 30. IMO, she's not likely to change, if she hasn't learned to love and accept herself yet. And I got so tired of reassuring her. I finally caught on that it was manipulative. And, like DarthMetaKnight described, this friend too, would cry at the drop of a hat.

I don't know what he thinks. I believe he may be giving too much weight to what he does not have instead of valuing what he does have. I'm not sure what you mean when you ask if he could be smarter. I'm sure he could increase his knowledge and experience, but I don't see how that would help if he has low self-esteem or some other issue.



He is 25. I am 26. He can be what I would call emotionally volatile.

Well, maybe he can change for the better. But it is not your job to change him, that has to come from within.

Are you an Aspie? Maybe you can pull an Autism Speaks, only without the lies and requests for money. That is to say, if he thinks of you as just gifted, maybe highlight your weaknesses (ones you're certain he doesn't share, ones that make you sound like a ret*d). Maybe you can't recognize close family members; maybe you get confused when you try to understand facial expression; maybe your executive function is so poor, you stand at the sink trying to remember the steps you need to take in order to be holding your toothbrush. (Maybe your executive function is so poor you forget how to move, or forget that you need to go to bed. Maybe, like me, you just realized that you went on WP almost an hour ago with one specific goal in mind that you still haven't accomplished.) Maybe you freak out if a strand of hair brushes your cheek.

Aah, that sucks, it does sound like he has a self-esteem problem. I don't know.. I have some friends who are worse than me at stuff, and it seems like the thing that makes them most comfortable (and also makes ME most comfortable when I'm the one who is insufficient in a certain area) is to make fun of the situation, yourself, or even them.Laughing it off will be a very convincing way of saying "I really don't care at all how smart or dumb you are" (because you're actually demonstrating a lighthearted and casual emotional display towards the subject instead of just explaining with words) and it will probably cheer them up too, so they'll be able to forget about it faster.
But I don't know... this works in some relationships but don't do it if you think it would turn out really awkward or uncomfortable. Sorry, it is a little bit of a social skills trick.;;

I've found that sometimes people respond better if you show them that you see better things in them than what they see in themselves. Sometimes if people think you are just accepting them "as they are," if they have a negative self-image they will think you are merely accepting something that they themselves find unacceptable. But, if you show them that you see something good in them they they don't see in themselves (such as being smarter than they believe themselves to be), then that may help to get the point across better.

Just be sure you have real evidence before you say something like that, though, or else you lose credibility!