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Evelyne
Hummingbird
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Joined: 15 Apr 2006
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Posts: 19
Location: France

22 Apr 2006, 12:11 pm

Hello everyone,

I am new on this forum. One of my friends has Asperger (=A) and is also "gifted." Since I know him (3 years ago) I just try to understand his behavior but it iwas not easy every day.
Social life may be difficult for A. and I think they try to hide it and want to act and think like everybody (not all ? not you, who accept to speek about it ?).


May someone answer me :

- Asperger like to live alone ?
- they have problems to planify, journeys for ex
- Do we have the same kind of humour ?
- Are they conscious to have problems to speak with others ?
- What about the phone conversation ? Better, worse ?
- They seem to have no problem when they write their emotions ?
- The one who may write to you is not able to speek as he writes ?
- What does routine mean ? Security ?

Next will follow another time.

I really do not want to heart or worry anybody, if it's the case just forgive me.


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Ev


FubarGoof
Tufted Titmouse
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Joined: 21 Apr 2006
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Posts: 28

22 Apr 2006, 1:39 pm

I think you are trying hard to be there for you friend, and you don't want to frustrate him by being there for him in a way that he doesn't feel comfortable with.
Have you ever tried asking him the questions you want answers to? Even though he's an Aspie, is doesn't mean he has the same 'manual' as the Aspies on this website. He has his own needs, and features, but he's the only one that can inform you about his individual needs.
My friend (ex boyfriend in fact) is an Aspie, and I think I am too (pretty sure actually). We are trying to find out what our own personal 'manual' is, and we try to let eachother know how we like to be treated. ("I'm a little moody now, I'll call you in a few days/weeks", and if it takes longer, we forward the corny jokes that people send us to our friends, just to let them know we are doing OK)
It's a struggle (hence the fact we aren't a couple anymore), but we are really close friends now, so it was worth the struggle.

I will try to answer your questions from my perspective:

Quote:
Asperger like to live alone ?

I need my time alone. It doesn't mean I like being alone all the time (it does get lonely sometimes), I just need to retreat in my own quarters after I having spent an evening with people.
It's all about balance and personal space for me.
Quote:
they have problems to planify, journeys for ex

When I plan something, I plan something carefully. I have to think about the people I am going to meet, what sort of things they may say to me. I have to prepair for small talk, which I hate, but people do that just to be nice and just to make conversation, and I don't want to make some awkward remark. If I have planned something, and I have prepaired the whole event, and it get's canceled, I am seriously disappointed, and I am hurt. All that hard work, for nothing.
Quote:
Do we have the same kind of humour ?

as who?
Quote:
Are they conscious to have problems to speak with others ?

If you are diagnosed with AS, or if you think you're ans Aspie, you most likely are aware of that.
Quote:
What about the phone conversation ? Better, worse ?

That depends on my mood really and what the topic is.
Quote:
They seem to have no problem when they write their emotions ?

I find it easier to write things down as I don't have to look people in the face when I tell them how I feel, plus I can finish my story without being interrupted.
Quote:
The one who may write to you is not able to speek as he writes ?

Not sure what you mean. You mean writing and talking at the same time? Or his choice of words are different?
Quote:
What does routine mean ? Security ?

I think it's means security and control. If I do things this way, I know it's going to be OK, and I haven't forgotten anything that could be important.

But really, talk to your friend. Or email him. Explain to him that you care about him, and you want to be his friend, but that you have a little trouble dealing with his little features and needs every now and then. If he's an Aspie, he'll have to learn to give a little. You may have to be patient and wait some time before he answers all your questions. Some may be left unanswered. Don't expect too much. Good luck.



Elanivalae
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Joined: 8 Apr 2006
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Posts: 115
Location: Lynnwood, Washington

22 Apr 2006, 2:04 pm

Evelyne wrote:
Hello everyone,
I am new on this forum. One of my friends has Asperger (=A) and is also "gifted." Since I know him (3 years ago) I just try to understand his behavior but it iwas not easy every day.
Social life may be difficult for A. and I think they try to hide it and want to act and think like everybody (not all ? not you, who accept to speek about it ?).


I still try to hide it from most people, because they know very little about the disorder and make a lot of negative assumptions, and I as a person am more than my social awkwardness. Acting like everyone was (and is) a survival tactic, so I could get my college degree and get a job. However, I do not try to hide it from everyone, and I enjoy talking about the particulars of the syndrome when I am talking to people who understand some of what it means.

Quote:
Asperger like to live alone ?


Some people with Asperger's do. I live with my husband, but I need a lot of "alone time".

Quote:
they have problems to planify, journeys for ex


I have to plan things out in advance because I have bad anxiety about how they might go wrong. People without Asperger's seem to have an easier time adjusting quickly to unexpected situations than I do. However, when I traveled to Japan, I did so on very short notice, with very little planning, and I was okay. So, it depends on the situation.

Quote:
Do we have the same kind of humour ?


Probably not, in my experience. I think Aspies are probably more likely to enjoy certain kinds of humor, such as really in-depth wordplay or humor dependent on details, which would bore most NTs. But that is a generalization from what I have seen, not a fact.

Quote:
- Are they conscious to have problems to speak with others ?


Some of us are. Many of us work very hard to make this invisible, so we must know it's there first.

Quote:
What about the phone conversation ? Better, worse ?


Better for some, worse for others. For example, I am better in formal situations (phone calls with a script, because you're being polite), and worse in informal situations on the phone. I used to be so afraid to use the telephone that I couldn't even call my grandmother or order a pizza.

Quote:
They seem to have no problem when they write their emotions ?


I find it much easier to write. It's less threatening, as no one is demanding an immediate response, and I don't have to manage my facial expression or body language while I do it.

Quote:
The one who may write to you is not able to speek as he writes ?


This can be true. I stumble over my spoken words a lot, but I have no problem with writing.

Quote:
- What does routine mean ? Security ?


Routine is about knowing what is going to happen next so you can prepare for it. As I said before, it may take some of us longer to adjust to an unexpected situation than NTs, so we look for routine to avoid that. It is also a way of making sure we are prepared. I find it more difficult than most NTs to remember to do all the little things that are necessary during the day, so I need to do them in a certain order so I don't forget any.

Quote:
Next will follow another time.
I really do not want to heart or worry anybody, if it's the case just forgive me.


Questions like these are what this forum is for, I think. :)



Aeturnus
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Joined: 30 Mar 2006
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Posts: 835

22 Apr 2006, 3:21 pm

Evelyne wrote:
Hello everyone,

I am new on this forum. One of my friends has Asperger (=A) and is also "gifted." Since I know him (3 years ago) I just try to understand his behavior but it iwas not easy every day.
Social life may be difficult for A. and I think they try to hide it and want to act and think like everybody (not all ? not you, who accept to speek about it ?).


I can tell you how I feel and what I do from personal experience. In regards to social life, I can fit in quite good so long as things don't get too personal or emotional. Then, I need to remove myself from the situation. I find myself connected to the emotional tension when in a conversation, and I feel criticized even for minor things. I've tried to just tell myself not to feel this way, but it doesn't seem to work. The feeling is rather overwhelming. I generally try to avoid such situations, and luckily they tend to only happen with people whom are close to you, at least for me.

Evelyne wrote:
- Asperger like to live alone ?


Yes, I am more comfortable alone. I feel safe and secure that way, so I spend most of my time alone. I won't say that I spend all my time alone, but I prefer to be alone in most circumstances. And there are times when I do want to talk to someone about this or that.

Evelyne wrote:
- they have problems to planify, journeys for ex


I need to plan things in order for me to be successful at what I do. Yet, I'm quite disorganized at this. I find that planning sometimes is a problem, because I'm so absent-minded. I have had to come up with stories as to why I have forgotten something on occasions.

Evelyne wrote:
- Do we have the same kind of humour ?


I have a sense of humour, but it doesn't always show when I write. It does at times, but not usually. It's sort of strange with me, though. I was told by many people that I am quite funny and have a knack at being so, yet other people have told me that I take things very seriously. It depends on the situation, and it also depends on whom I am around. There are some people that I personally can't stand and will withdraw into myself, fearing unncessary criticism. If I am comfortable around someone, I let loose and open up more easily.

Evelyne wrote:
- Are they conscious to have problems to speak with others ?


I do not like to start conversations. I'm shy this way, but if someone starts one up, I can engage a conversation. I just never know what to say to start a conversation. I consider myself better than some aspies in this regard, but there are still some quirks, but they don't necessarily show up too great unless I am in some sort of relationship. I guess I'm better at what some would consider smalltalk. Think of it this way in regards to what I tend to do: There have been times when I was involved with group activities. I find myself attracted to those who are knowledgeable about things, rather than finding myself talking to people just for the sake of conversation. When at school, I found myself more attracted to conversing with teachers than I did with students.

Evelyne wrote:
- What about the phone conversation ? Better, worse ?


I don't have many problems speaking on the phone. This varies from person to person, or from aspie to aspie, I think.

Evelyne wrote:
- They seem to have no problem when they write their emotions ?


I like to write more than I speak. I feel I can cover a lot more. I feel I don't get through enough when I speak at times. I don't know about writing about my emotions, though.

Evelyne wrote:
- The one who may write to you is not able to speek as he writes ?


I have no idea what this question is asking.

Evelyne wrote:
- What does routine mean ? Security ?


Certain things, I need routine. And certain things, I don't. If I'm home alone for the day, I just do things more or less on a whim, things that I enjoy. Other things, I tend to figure out a routine for. If I have a lot of things to do in a day, I need to figure a routine. I devise a routine such that I can finish what I feel I need to finish. And I may feel uneasy when I don't get to everything I planned.


Evelyne wrote:
I really do not want to heart or worry anybody, if it's the case just forgive me.


We're all in this together. We all tend to ask for support here and there. That's what these forums are for.

- Ray M -