disability = others feeling entitled to your medical history

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Why do people think they are entitled your medical history if you have a disability?

And, especially if you have "invisible disabilities," how do you handle such questions? "None of your business." or "you don't need to know that" or silence or ??


Background:

Last night a solicitor for a local political group came to my front door. He does his talking and eventually gets to down to asking for money. I'm surviving on SSDI+SSI and relatives giving me a free place to live. I tell him I'm disabled and money is very tight. He then said some this-and-that, and then asks what the disability is. I stumble to explain, with half-formed feelings like he's way out of line asking that. Add in that I don't look stereotypically disabled, and I think he was being "skeptical."* After my explanation he shows no signs of contrition (that I could tell) or anything -- he really did seem to feel entitled.

So, WTH? If I'm not in a wheelchair or holding a white cane, he's entitled to my medical history? I've proven it to SSA (who assumes you're a liar until you prove otherwise), and that's all that really counts. Employers can't even ask for your medical history just because they want it. Maybe I should have asked him about his last urinary tract infection, or whether he was born vaginally or via c-section.

It was one of those situations where a person uses your politeness against you like a weapon. I wanted to tell him to f-off, but I don't like to treat people like that, so I was stuck dealing with his BS.

Just wondering how others handle questions/situations like that.

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^* most people don't know what "dysautonomia" or "cognitive disorder NOS" are. Add in ASC stuff for fun, though I never mention that by name.

That's one thing that I was never able to understand. Why don't people just mind their own business?

Yeah, exactly. The sense of entitlement boggles my mind.

I doubt he felt entitled, I think he was just an unfortunate combination of curious and insensitive. You can always just tell the truth and say you are uncomfortable discussing it, or better yet, tell him you suffer from Explosive Hemorrhoid Syndrome and warn him to watch out. I'm a type 1 diabetic and have always wanted the guts to answer the door to bible thumpers with crossed eyes, slurred speech, and syringes sticking out of my neck and stomach.

To be honest, I think you opened the door to this question. The fact that you took to the time to listen to him gives the impression that you are happy interacting with him and then you chose to mention that you're disabled. This could well have given the impression that you were happy to talk about it.

Perhaps in future a better response to the request for money would be to just say 'no thank you, I do not wish to contribute'. You are perfectly entitled to do so and you do not have to give any reasons why at all.

I say "My disability is I ask strangers socially inappropriate intimate personal questions, what's yours?" The best part of that answer is I'm only exaggerating not totally lying, I often say to people "feel free not to answer this", the first few times conversation ventures into personal topics. I grew up being taught that asking people personal questions like about their health, finances, or personal problems was rude and vulgar. Manners for me seem mechanical, something I do by rote rather than intuition and even I get this.

Since the guy is a professional beggar and is taught not to take "NO" for an answer, even if you were in a wheelchair or wielding a white cane and seeing-eye dog, he still would've done his best to pressure you into making a donation.

It is none of his damn business what type of disability you have, hidden or otherwise!

I got into a "conversation" with a collection agency rep. who wanted to know how I was supporting myself, keeping my bills paid, if I had no money. I'd been repeating the phrase "No money" to her the entire call. I hung up on her.

You could put up a bright red "NO SOLICITING" sign on your front door, that will deter all but the most rabid sales folk; depending on your mood the next time it happens, you could say "No thank you" nicely and politely closing the door on the person; "No thank you" with all the venom you can muster and slam the door as hard as you can; give a warning that you'll call the police for trespassing if the person doesn't depart quickly.

Hope this helps!

I probably don't get into this because I don't talk to people much but if someone came up to me asking for money, I'd probably just say 'sorry, I don't have any to share.'.

About the questions about the nature of your disability, he wasn't intitled to know. I'm unsure if there's a nice way to tell a person that you don't want to talk about it.

My way of dealing with such things is probably rude because I would have said 'nice to meet you but you've wasting your time.' if he started a political spiel with me because I'd interpret it as a request for money or votes.

I do vote but I don't think by meeting them in person you can find out anything about their track record.

His thickheaded inappropriateness in asking was actually kind of an Aspie thing to do. Probably would have messed with his head if you called that to his attention.

It was rude and off-putting, though. Most of the time I don't mind talking about it if I think there's any chance the person might comprehend on any level, but other times its like they're looking for some weakness to trip you up. And of course, there are those whose brains are so small, they can't bring themselves to believe that neurological disabilities are a real handicap, unless you're drooling on yourself and unable to go to the bathroom on your own.

You should keep a few prewritten stock responses for people like that. Since this guy has no actual influence over anything in your life, it might have been amusing to tell him:

Uhm...I'm a ment'l case - I forget what its called. It used to say on my medicine bottles, but I threw all that stuff out. It was making me too passive. Whatever that Dhamer guy had..I think its the same thing.

You might throw in an upper body twitch or two for effect.

It's none of his business that you're disabled.

It's none of his business that money is tight.

Since you gave him two pieces of personal information he isn't entitled to, it was only natural he assumed he was entitled to a third piece of information too.

Rule 1) Don't listen to any spiel. Cut them off in the middle. Say, "I'm not interested".

Rule 2) Don't explain. It is none of their business why. When you start to explain why (which you did) it just makes them want more details.

You told him that you are disabled. Asking what disability it is seems like normal curiosity to me.

Just say 'Sorry but I'd rather not talk about that'. That's what I do if I feel that someone's question is too invasive, and I've never had people take offence.

I told him in response to his asking about money. Going beyond that still seems out of bounds, not being related to his initial point.

If someone says, "our family has suffered a recent loss and doesn't want to be bothered right now," is it ok to ask "who died?" I've tend to be clueless about such things, but have over time learned to be careful (or try to be) about people's boundries like that.

I agree! Actually it's more as if he'd asked 'who died' and 'how did he/she die' and 'was he/she convulsing?'

Thanks for the replies, folks. I guess I basically need to be less of a doormat and be curt with such people and their questions.

As far as tics, slurred speech, and stutters, heh, I actually do have those at times, so I'm pretty good at faking 'em. Maybe I could also repeat "Wapner's on at 5, Wapner's on at 5... do you take any prescription medication?" while not breaking eye contact with my ipod. (a "Rainman" reference, for the younger folks)

It's my relatives that usually answer the door, and as I think about it they're both half-deaf so the solicitors probably end up getting ignored most of the time. So that's seeming like a good option, too.

My standard answer to people who ring my doorbell asking for money is, I donate elsewhere. (And I do. I donate to Goodwill, NALC Stamp Out Hunger, etc. But I don't tell them that.) I say all my charitable donations are spoken for but good luck hunting and have a nice day. Then I close the door.