To tell or not to tell?

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Hi.
My name is Paige, and I'm 15. Currently, I am about to begin my second year in high school. So far, it's going pretty well. I have a nice group of friends to hang out with, and a few best friends that I have known for many years. I'm not popular, but I'm not a loner, either. One could say that I have my quirks, but I doubt that they would guess that I have Asperger's.
I got diagnosed last year (2009). Since then, I've told only three people, friends that I am very close to and are extremely understanding and kind. They haven't told anyone about my Asperger's, as I asked them to do. I have been debating, over the course of the last year or so, whether I should tell the rest of my friends. Please keep in mind that I have a mild case, and actually, although I showed many signs (inability to make small talk, lack of desire to make friends/interact with peers, intense interest in a subject, clumsiness, etc.) in my childhood, I've actually dealt with a lot of my "awkwardness" and have worked a lot to make myself appear more...normal? I don't know. Personally, I don't think that there is such things as "normal", and I'm not a big fan of using the word. Anyways, I've really striven to improve my social skills, and I feel that I've made tremendous progress, even without a proper diagnosis for most of my childhood. And because I took up fencing three years ago, I've become much more athletic and agile. So, I guess what I'm asking is if I should tell my friends or not, because they seem to think that I'm pretty cool and all, and I really don't want them to be judgmental of me and see me as weird. I feel that if I don't, then I;m not embracing who I really am.

All I had to read were that your are 15 and you've told only a few of your closest friends.

I wouldn't do anymore than that. There really isn't any point in telling anyone who doesn't need to know. Your close friends, you can get into misunderstandings with them, so if they are really good friends and understanding, it's not a bad idea to tell them. Apart from that, the only people who really need to know already do. Your doctors, and your parents, and possibly some other family members. That's enough for now. It's just not worth telling anyone else. The vast majority of others out there wouldn't have a CLUE what to do with the information.

In the future, or even near future, when you start working, it may be a good thing to discuss with employers, but if you have a counselor, I would run it by them first. Especially when you are young and first begin to work, you'll be exposed to a lot of young bottom to mid level managers who really are NOT the best bosses in the world. A lot are not very understanding, and do not care about anything but you getting your work done so they can report good numbers to their bosses. They don't care if you're tired, don't care if you're sick, and as far as they are concerned you do not have a life outside the business's doors. Most will not care if you have Autism, or won't even believe it anyway. There are exceptions, and there are some good ways to deal even with the most demanding and skeptical bosses. Your counselor, most likely, can give you some insight into how to talk to them about it if you need to. Most counselors have worked some menial jobs under bosses just like them, so they know.

Later, if you decide on a professional career, you'll probably have already figured out what to do.

For now, keep your Aspeger's close to your chest. (That's a poker analogy "Keep your cards close to your chest so nobody can see them.)

BTW: I didn't answer the poll, because what applies to me, wouldn't work for you. I'm three times plus five years your age, so circumstances are far far different for me.

I agree with MrXxx. Cards to the chest are a good idea. I'm 19 myself, and have told my closest friends first [those who have known me since childhood and therefore were not surprised by the diagnosis since they'd already gotten used to my behaviour and explaining it to other people on my behalf in the past] likewise with siblings. Parents are a mixed bag in my opinion. They'll understand to varying degrees. I wish I hadn't told my parents, but at the same time I'm glad I don't have the burden of keeping a secret. Aspergers isn't the kind of flag you want to openly wave, atleast for now. And I expect even in the future, a lot of people may not understand how to take this information or even want to.

Mr is also right when it comes to employers. But also, you're still in school, so telling teachers/administration may not always be the best solution.

Generally, I think it's best to only tell:

1) People that are almost guaranteed to understand.
2) Those who get into a serious misunderstanding with you, requiring an explanation.

No, I attract bullies enough without giving them an engraved invitation.

I told some friends that it's POSSIBLE that I have AS or something similar. A couple of people were understanding, but misguided saying they don't think I have that, "You're just quiet and shy."

Of course, as I mentioned in another thread, there was the friend (and he really is) who said that I'd just try to blame my own behaviors on AS without any accountability.

And then there was the ONE person who claimed that if it was me, AS should stand for a**hole Syndrome, and that GOD can cure someone of whatever it was I called it.

That's when I got a true understanding of what people on here say. The process of discovery is for me because the rest of the world might not be so understanding, nor will they care.

Now, it doesn't matter whether anybody else knows...OR cares for that matter. Whatever *this* is...I have found all the identification I need in the Twelve Step world an HERE on WrongPlanet!

The world not knowing won't keep bullies from finding you - bullies can smell AS. But decent people knowing might make them more likely to help keep the bullies from molesting you.


Being ashamed of your condition is like apologizing for existing. The rest of the world will never understand what AS and Autism are if they don't see it right under their noses every day. Otherwise, all they will ever know about it is what the media tells them and the media ALWAYS gets it wrong (which only feeds the prejudice of the bullies). Viva la Alien Insurrection!

Yes, and I'm indifferent about it. Most people hear me say the words, briefly quiz me about it, then forget about it.

AH, Willard...me FAVORITE emoticon!

I've told my closest friends, and I'm glad that I did.

When I was your age people made fun of me and beat me for being in special education classes and being different I could only imagine how much worse it would be if they knew about me having Aspergers. (They did not know about Aspergers when I was your age)

Watch about telling your friends they might let the cat out of the bag defending you against some bully. Some guy was making fun of my math skills and one of my buddies got angry at the guy telling watch he says because I am in special ed. A whole bunch of people who did not know I was in special education found out. They teased me about it because of my friend letting them know thinking he was helping me. They all thought I was pretty bright but what my buddy said changed their view of me for the worse.

OP-I'm very similar to you. I'm a female also, and I'm 19 at this time. As a child my parents involved me in a lot of stuff so my social skills are pretty good. (Some people said they were too good for me to qualify as an Aspie, my peers seem to think otherwise.) I am not popular either, but have a few close friends and several acquaintances. I have only told two people about my AS, and only one of them actually knows what it is.

I think whether you tell or not depends entirely on your specific situation. I attended two high schools during my four years...the first one I attended, I could have gotten off fine telling people. The second one I attended, I would have been called 'ret*d' and stuff relentlessly. The same goes for my friends. I have one that is fine listening to me blab about special interests she probably doesn't care anything about, and listens to me explain what AS is and asks questions about how it affects me. Another friend, I brought up the word "asperger" around her one day and she said something about ret*d people

Personally I don't feel comfortable announcing it to the world, because they seem to go "she does that because she's aspergers." I like them to make judgments about me (that are hopefully positive) and then maybe later let them figure out or maybe tell them I'm AS, and they already have an idea of who I am. This is just how I like to do it, though. Some like to say it upfront so if they make social mistakes that they aren't aware of or some other kind of error, people won't be so quick to judge.

I usually mention having AS to people. That way, it's easier to apologize if I do something that would be easy for a five-year-old to see as rude--I have a horrible habit of interrupting, for example--and be believed that I wasn't meaning to be annoying. Over the years, I've had to apologize less and less because I'm building a good mental database of things not to do, acceptable speech patterns, and such; but I still apparently seem quite eccentric to most people, and my constant stimming and lack of eye contact tends to make people think I am a bit insane. I think it helps if people know that I am autistic, so that they aren't afraid that I'm on drugs and going to attack them or something...