Update and advice regarding Inventor Aspie Spouse

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Guys, I wrote you all last November regarding my darling aspie partner. Basically, we were working 70 hours a week and he was being a jerk melting down every other day. You guys gave me insight into these meltdown and now I know how to handle them. I am very, very greatful for your suggestions.

He is a brilliant inventor and producer. He has some level of great business sense---but during some meltdowns, he literally loses all logic. I do all of the customer service, business, and monetary business strategy----as well as some of the production and engineering.

I need your advice again. He gets "stuck" in mindset---for instance, our business is divided up into components---and a component last year lost money---now he talks of repeating this component---and I say "No Way, we lost money (I did the numbers) and long, long hard ours affected out health and marriage."

Now this component in the past (2007) made him money---but the market changed---and we have other parts of the business making great money.

He is "stuck" at the time this made money---and illogically is willing to negelect the very highly profitable parts of the business. He does not listen to logic. He melts down, starts being an A-hole, and babbles crazy talk. I know I will get my way, because he depends on me for execution---but i get tired of the nonlogical insults---and the useless dumb arguments that literally make no sense. He blames me for the world.

He then---goe off, has a tantrum---and comes back normal

I am a slightly recovered aspie myself---I have strict dietary restrictions---so I am the "social" one---he is literally a Thomas Edison---but I am the one who drives sales and makes money. He is an amazing guy.

Please help---I am really getting tired of this crap.

Sounds like this component of the business might be a special intrest. Are the losses so great that it's dragging the rest of the business down? Is there anyway to turn this component into a "loss leader"? Henry Ford used to run off and tinker with racing cars when he probably should have been focusing on the other elements of his business. However if it doesn't significantly harm the overall viability of the business maybe you can let it slide?

This?

Maybe throw him a bone? Find a way for him to continue working on what he likes, without spending money on it. Let him tinker with it without making it a large part of the business. Can you do that?

Thanks so much for your thoughful words.

Unfortunately no---we are too busy with this other profitable side of the business---and this other part is a huge money loser---that it will be financial disaster from both ends---Plus, he becomes such a jerk (from the other part of the business-STRESS) that I can't stand to be around the constant panic attacks and the blaming associated with the losing part of the business. If it was joyful, it would be one thing---but he hates it, and I hate it, and it's a money loser.

To be truthful---he works 60 hours a week NOW---he cannot take on any more. We work 7 days a week NOW. He is 47 and physically cannot take on any more---I don't know why he doesn't see this.

The problem is that he is "stuck" and is not responding to logic. Of course, he was rude and stormed out---and came back reset and smiling and chatty. I am not sure he remembers---but I am getting tired of this crap. I can't stop rocking i am so tired of this crap.

Also...on the money making side of the business...he does tinker....he tinkers all the time.

The money losing business is seasonal retail---where he has to be social and the customers don't understand him---he hates it---and he cannot tinker with the successful part of the business.

I understand being stuck.

Maybe try this -- the next time he starts talking about the thing that is not advisable to do, instead of responding to what he is saying, start talking about another thing that is a very advisable thing to do. Don't "engage" in talk about the lossy thing. Either let him just monologue about it for a while or if he says something with a pause for you to say something, say something about a gainy thing instead.

It's a sort of "re-programming" that has worked on me when I get stuck on something. My partner will engage on the stuck thing for a while but when it becomes apparent that I'm stuck, he'll either just let me go without response or talk about something else that is very interesting to me whenever I start to talk about the stuck thing. Eventually, the stuck thing goes away.

I agree about changing the subject. That way, he will be less likely to have a meltdown.

Guys...you are NOTHING short of geniuses....this will work! I will try it. That is brilliant. Wow. You guys are great. Thank you.

Let me tell you guys something...this forum teaches me great insight into the mechanics of the human psyche.

I know his side. It was my idea, it did work, then for some reason stopped working.

I try new products, if I break even I quit that, if it makes money I invest, but, some of them go on to crater and I do not understand why. I have a collection of them, and they still have me thinking about why did they work, then stop?

Others do make money, they were supposed to, and in my mind, so should the ones that just stalled out. I can not stop thinking of them.

This is my world view, I expect it to work. I do spend more time and money on the ones that seem to me should work, what am I missing? They are just as good as the ones that work.

Too many irons in the fire and nothing gets done, so to do the next project I pack them away out of sight. yes, working on them wastes time, but I will not just give up, for that is not a trait I want to develop. They haunt me.

The fault, if it be, it is not for the money, but for the art, and invention is one of the arts.

I do not quit, but take time off, and new projects keep me going.

The trait continues with other things, I have been a mechanic, done computer repair, and most jobs are simple. The one I can not fix gets a lot more attention, for I think I should be able to figure it out.

Mechanic shops have been known to send a car to the dealer, after spending more time than they can charge for. I got called as a troubleshooter when nothing else worked, but it should have worked!

Inventors do not create anything. They take the same things that many people know, and use them in a new way. To me it is a mental picture, a true vision, and after some work to reduce it to practice, learning to make it by modern methods, it should sell.

Some things may be true but cannot be made, some find no market, those that sell and stop are a quandry, those that make money are like a car with a loose wire, a fast scan, tighten loose part, it works, I make $100 a minute, for a minute.

Since nothing lasts, I know I have to keep coming up with new things, I do, but the flaw of things that seem they should work, so some sales, then stop, leaves the rest of the visions in doubt. I have to have the faith to put time, money, effort into something that only exists in my mind.

I want to understand because it casts doubt on all of the future, of the visions, and I need to Believe!

Invention is one of the Muses, the Spirits that bring gifts from the gods to mortals, and somehow I Mercury, Messenger of the Gods, have failed in my mission.

A thousand perfect deliveries is nothing, failing once in my mission is failing.

I am not in it just for the wealth, power, groupies, but for being the one who gets the job done, for the gods do not look kindly on failure.

Some things do happen later, they had a long fuze, some prepare me for a future step, and sometimes I think the gods were drunk, the mortals they created for entertainment dumber than thought, or perhas it was just to keep us lesser beings in doubt, least we think we are gods.

Whatever it is, those things must be hidden under a table, and the current good stiff done right with full power. Failing once happens, do not let it cause you to fail again.

60% is good in business, 90% in school, both will get you killed in combat, a 99% pilot dies on flight 100, and the gods are so fickled they will do evil things for the slightest flaw.

Dismantle this project, use it for parts, hide it, refuse to speak about what is burried behind the garage, for it is the worst thing that can happen to a creative mind. This is a Doctor spending his life saying, I did everything, they should not have died!

Win a few, lose a few, keep moving on.

Boy you nailed that one---you could be his brother.

Nassim Taleb, the author of the Black Swan, addresses "tinkering" as the only way....the ONLY way...to progress in science, engineering, political structure, religion, business, and of course, relationships.

Why? Because life and successful change is all an odds game. The key---is to make your situation as such that these bets (tinkering) are low cost enough that when you fail for whatever reason, it's no big deal...it's the cost of "doing" business.

I do the same thing...we tried all sorts of marketing arrangements...from trade shows, to retail, to flea markets, to cold calling, to free TV spots on morning shows, to press releases, to cold calling purchase managers....I strongly looked into exploring billboards, static set ups in malls, and news/magazine ads...but they were way too expensive....

I was getting despondent...until google mailed me a free $100 credit for sponsored ads. I tinkered on their dime...and voila...sales started rolling in...then I looked into getting our website high in the regular search engines without paying....search engine optmization....voila....I learned EVERYTHING about it...and we rank high for popular keywords...this marketing was FREE....but I had to tinker...in this terrible economy...we have finally set records after years of struggle. Tinkering.

Do you know why nature created autism...especially aspies...because this type of person is "most Likely" to tinker. Think about this people.

Reagrding my personal situation with my darling "Thomas Edison", this component of the business is a proven failure and its too expensive to tinker with. I will divert thoughtstreams. I will remove community money needed to support it...if it comes from his personal savings...he will think twice.

You guys are great.

Inventor....by the way, that was poetry.

Always remember that tinkering involves duds...the real thomas edison had his lab in Menlo park...and he understood this...did you know he went though hundreds of material found all of the WORLD before he found tungstun...the filiment for the light bulb...the man created 100s of successful inventions...and had a tream of engineer 24/7 to "tinker" on specific projects until something worked...and even if it did work...sometime the markets did not like it....but the man never stopped.

Reminds me of the quote from Nation Treasure:

"Thomas Edison tried 200 times to make a light bulb. When asked, "Why did you keep trying after failing 200 times?" He replied, "I didn't fail 200 times, just found 200 ways how NOT to make a light bulb.""

I get that way too, especially with games (MTG primarily . . . had a great deck, but for some reason, it started to fail). We can understand the logic of something on paper, but the why about it failing when tried eludes us. Might help to have him write down his "Trials and Errors" so that he knows what has/hasn't been done/tried when doing something (business or tinkering). Would be his own personal reference guide based on the facts, and the main thing about aspies is . . . <drumroll> We Don't Argue With The Facts.

If he won't let you change subjects, which is something my Aspie kids will do if they are stuck on something, you can try asking him to just temporarily move the unprofitable thing to the back burner. Soften the change by making it less permanent. Can that component be cut back instead of eliminated? Can it be temporarily suspended?

Sometimes products will do well after a slow period. If the unadvisable project has a resurgance you'll be poised to act on it...if it doesn't maybe he'll find another interest and have an easier time letting it go.

Thank you so very much for your suggestions----

Plated---when he gets all twisted up, he won't process proof on paper---I presented hard numbers many times, because I itemized the items for taxes---now, he is great for doing this for his tinkering engineering projects, and when he is calm he is certainly a business guy (he owned a huge world class factory at one time)----but he gets in that "mood" he literally thrash like a pissy baboon (I mean this endearingly).

Kiley-I see what you are saying---and ultimately, I am doing this---He doesn't listen to reason with this specific subject---but he depends on me to execute these projects---especially where there are negotiations and contracts involved. I'll just have to stone wall (basically the nonverbal part of your suggestion) and change the subject when he gets baboonish (sparrow and cockney's suggestion). I will then transfer all costs associated with this terrible money hole directly to his personal savings account, and allow him to make all the plans for the seasonal store (he can't)---and then, being the very bright man he is---the baboon will melt away (Hulk) and the rational sweet guy (David Banner) will emerge.

What is weird is that I am like a monk---no possessions, don't spend money, throw away trash, throw away distructive strategies...with no real attachments to anything much that is material and worldly---so I am opposite, and it drives him crazy.

And believe me...if this business component wasn't so expensive, and if didn't destroy his and my health (very long hours+heavy, heavy physical labor) and make both of us psycho...I would gladly indulge this. But it would harm the healthy part of the business (which he loves) and we are making VERY GOOD MONEY from, after years of struggle...and he HATES dealing with the public, he just HATES it. And he HATES not spending time with me and this crappy part of the business separates us. I am aspie as well, and I cannot bear the thought of the stress.