When a friendship ends badly, should I ask the friend *why*?

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PS: this is inclusive of romantic relationships as well.

They frequently just give white lies or just completely ignore you. It's often frustrating, but it's within their right to do so. They're being a bad friend, yes, but since the friendship ended, it doesn't matter whether they're a "bad friend" or not.

At this point, nearly all of my friendships have ended badly. And so I'm feeling very frustrated at the world in general. I've listed many reasons why so many of my friendships have ended badly and intend to act on them so that my friendships won't end as badly in the future. But still, I'm probably missing some vital things and it's frustrating to not know them when your ex-friend refuses to tell you why.
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This follow-up question is respect to a a girl who was in a ruined relationship with me (in which case I really want to be friends with her now but she's refusing contact):

What if she tells me that she'll return to me after several months of non-contact? Should I really expect her to return back to me? Or not? Since she might get detached from me and completely stop caring about me in the meantime. She told me to "fix myself" and she'd reconsider. In the meantime, I have been trying to fix myself. But she's entirely stopped reading my blog and now there's no way that she'll ever know since she doesn't even care about me anymore.

Last edited by simfish on 30 Jun 2010, 8:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I have exactly the same problem. I feel so I can grow and develop, I need to know why. The problem is that they won't tell you. I might approach it like, "I have Asperger's and sometimes my social skills are not good. Could you please give me some feedback as to how I might have been inappropriate?"

I think I'll try that next time. I just had a friendship end and it was traumatic. The thing is, this time it wasn't anything I did. As my BF said, "Some people are just jerks."

Yeah. What I find especially frustrating is when they feel justified in being jerks to people like us and in being NICE to everyone else. That way you can't even label them a jerk because they're so nice to everyone else.

yes exactly. it's so frustrating.

Come to think of it, that woman who really hurt my feelings over the weekend isn't a jerk to other people, as far as I know. But then, I might not have talked to other people she has hurt yet.

The worst part is, I'm in two support groups with her and it makes me uncomfortable sharing anything. I also want to talk to other members of the group about what happened, but I don't want to bad-mouth her, because then she might bad-mouth me if she finds out. So, it's hard to process what happened and to find out if maybe she hurt them too.

Hope this doesn't sound too harsh, but I wouldn't count on it. She's trying to "let you down easily."



Well said.

Hey, sorry, but what does "let you down" mean?

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Also, if someone refuses to explain *why* to you, does it make the person a jerk? (according to how we perceive the definition of "jerk"?)

I've just had a friendship that ended badly, a little over a month ago. I have an idea why it ended. Apparently, I've lied to that girl, that I've been posting about. I didn't lie to her. I was just joking that a male staff at the clubhouse, had a crush, on her. Maybe I was lying in her eyes, but I only saw it, as me having fun. I didn't realize that she'd go around, saying that I hurt her. nonetheless, I wish her, the best.

In this case, she doesn't want to out-and-out say that she doesn't want to talk to you anymore, so she's putting you off by saying she'll come back to you in several months. People who do this mistakenly think they are avoiding hurting someone's feelings by doing this. IMO, it just makes things worse.



IMO, yes. Or, somewhat immature, or too afraid to just be truthful.

Again, sorry if I sound harsh or judgmental. I just don't like people who lie and play games in relationships.

Yeah, why not? It's over, the worst they can do is not tell you.

I wouldn't bother to be honest. When it's over, it's over.

They aren't going to spend time dwelling on the friendship, so why should you? Keep your dignity and forget about them. If you see them again, just be polite.

It sounds like this girl used to want to be your friend, but you've had a personality clash. This whole 'fix yourself and then I'll be your fwend' thing seems a bit manipulative. Regardless of your interpersonal problems, it's immature of her to make demands like that.

Don't get me wrong, she probably has a point to some degree. You may not be a bad person, but everyone has flaws that could do with ironing out. People with AS, sometimes more so. I suggest asking current friends and family members for an honest appraisal though, not your ex friend. She's out of your life and her opinion no longer carries any weight.

This.^

There are times when you might never get a straight answer, you need to learn to let go of it.

I would ask, but then I have a very bad habit of holding onto things past their expiry. People probably think I'm too pushy. I get embarrassed then and wind up just ignoring the situation and drinking a lot.

I would ask, but then I have a very bad habit of holding onto things past their expiry. People probably think I'm too pushy. I get embarrassed then and wind up just ignoring the situation and drinking a lot.

I do not have any friendships that have ended badly but I have had friendships that have ended.

Usually the person and I just drift apart, and it really isn't a matter of fault on anyone's behalf.

But it sounds like people are actually getting mad at you. I couldn't really say why that might be because I've not had any dealings with you, and even then I'd only be able to point out the blatantly obvious, as, being someone with AS, I may miss the finer details of your behavior that people take issue with.

I suggest you participate in a social skills group. People there will usually be honest and tell you what you are doing wrong and how to improve upon your interpersonal skills.

Alternately, I also find that a lot of people who claim they don't know what they did wrong in relationships that ended poorly, actually do have some idea of what they did wrong and tell themselves and others they don't know what they did wrong because it is an aspect of their personality they are unwilling to change, or a passive aggressive response to a blame they are unwilling to take.

I think you make a good point that sometimes we don't want to admit to ourselves that we scr**ed up, but I'm not sure it's always because of blame we're unwilling to take.

I think for me it has usually come down to having a meltdown (or something even less severe, like a tantrum or losing my temper) and never being able to recover from it, because when you go off on someone it's over, even if it the friendship limps along for a while afterward.

The way it usually happens is someone does something malicious and underhanded -- either one time or lots of little things over time -- and I overreact (well, I don't think I'm overreacting but an average NT would probably be able to let it go or respond more rationally), sometimes getting so upset that I'm crying and begging the person to tell me why they did this to me.

I'm terribly hurt, but they think I'm angry and trying to punish them, but the truth is that I can't let it go because it's so painful. This causes them to become angry with me and to hurt me more, much worse than they did originally. The more this goes on, and the more I ask for an explanation as to why they hurt me, the less tolerant they become, until they won't talk to me anymore (or will outright create an adult-bullying campaign against me so that I will be removed from the social circle altogether).

So in the end I feel like I don't know what happened, because I really don't know, exactly. My "crime" seems so minor compared to how much I've been made to suffer and I don't understand how it got to this.

Anyway, to the OP, given the scenario I've just described, I think asking your former friend what went wrong will only make them annoyed and angry and will cause you more heartache.

Do it.

Ask away, but be prepared. You may get no answer, but you'd be surprised how many people ARE willing to tell you. I've found it actually impresses quite a lot of people that you want to know, and show willingness to learn about yourself and maybe even try to change. NT's grow too. It's not just us.

But as I said, be prepared. Be prepared to hear some very uncomfortable things. Keep in mind you're asking for what THEIR reasons are, and their reasons may come as a harsh surprise. You may hear and learn things about yourself you don't like, and didn't expect. Accept them. It's how they see you. It doesn't matter whether you agree with them or not.

By the way, this isn't a bad thing to do BEFORE friendships end. In fact, it's a very good idea to do it before things completely fall apart. If you take it all graciously, with the express intent of learning and improving yourself, it may even prevent and end to the friendship. If you get all defensive though, that will more than likely accelerate its deterioration.

I think never asking at all is a bad idea. All that does is perpetuate your lack of knowledge of yourself, and why your friendships keep ending. Not asking is pretty much akin to not caring, which, in itself, could explain why friendships keep ending too. If you never care enough to bother asking, you could be dooming yourself to endless short lived relationships for your entire life.