Concious nonverbal/eye contact mutually exclusive?

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Like many on here, I have learned my cues by rote, and I consider myself decently able to remember the tightening of lips, the raised eyebrow, the smile, and the posture. However, I've noticed that I cannot remember and execute these functions whilst maintaining eye contact. Even eyebrow/mouth contact disconcerts me enough so that I lose proper display of nonverbal functions.

I was promoted to manager two months ago. As a result, I rarely deal with actual customers anymore, but it is now doubly important I get it right. I can no longer send my confusion upwards.

Has anyone else experienced this multitasking conundrum of socialization? What have you found an effective solution?

what I learned from poker, is let it stay subtle, don't overact

(also learned it's very difficult, even with formidible math skills, the poker I mean. Don't recommend it, other than the social skills)

I’m also been a manager on several occasions. I invested too much in the job and was then disappointed that it was not a shooting meteor across the sky, that it did not lead to friendship and financial success and the big adventures I long for.

Okay, and you’ve heard that in negotiations, the party who cares more typically loses. And you can’t really fake it. The best way is to really not care that much. So, take a couple of courses for fun this Fall, start playing tennis again (or for the first), join some local clubs through meetup. Then, the good parts of the job, the not-so-good parts, you can take it all more with . . . zen equanimity shall we say!

And I'd also suggest that you kind of work on some stock phrases.

'I'll be happy to give store credit. But I simply cannot give a refund. My hands are tied.'



That is, start off with a hard line, then you can feel your way to loosening up if that seems like the right thing to do.


(Honest to Gosh, if I owned a furniture store, I would have business cards with myself listed as assistant manager, because I would not want customers thinking I was in a position to give away the store. It would be a little true, for besides coaching the manager, I would also take coaching from him or her in the nuts and bolts of sales.)

I just started my blog on autistic consciousness, and posted about that.
You may know what you want to do, but then in the situation you simply CANT do it.
http://beingnearlyhuman.blogspot.com/20 ... g-and.html
For the past year, I started to really TRY displaying non-verbal body language and expressions, and watch what others were doing.
But if I am watching other people, especially faces, I get "cognitive traffic jams" and can't easily speak or use body language.
It doesn't matter that I have no anxiety, and its a simple conversation. still doesn't work well!
Its much easier if I'm looking at a blank surface.
The way I look at it, I basically have "transmitting mode" and "receiving mode", and can't really be both at the same time.
My theory is that faces are difficult because the brain has many areas devoted to facial recognition and emotional processing,
so it's not just "looking at eyes", like "looking at a certain place", because the brain is doing a lot of stuff specific to people at that moment.

The only solution I can imagine, which I'm working on, is to better learn to "drive my brain" and learn what processes can work at what time.

One thing I learned from poker, which just blew me away, is that you are not trying to pick up on these great subtleties. You're just trying to avoid burying your head so deeply in your own cards that you miss what is patently obvious right in front of you.

For example, Mike Caro wrote that hand trembling means the person typically has the goods (in cash games, however in tournament games it's a little different). 'Can I have a chip count?' And if the person's hands continue to tremble, that is really telling you something. The trembling is a release of tension that they finally have gotten a good hand. If they were bluffing, they would likely be stone still. If the person is faking the trembling, it's going to seem that way, going to seem phoney baloney, and you will see enough hands to be able to tell, it becomes more of a right brain decision.

(so yeah, took it way serious. and again, broke even)