Commitment, success, and Autism

Post Reply New Topic

I was watching something last night that piqued my "logical" circuits a little. Wish I could remember which show it was, and who brought it up, but I was channel hopping so much I forgot who it was. He was actually quoting someone else anyway, but what he said inspire me to write down this quick list:

Commitment to:

1 Self
2 Family
3 Friends
4 Society

That list is supposed to be the priority of commitments one needs to succeed in this world. If you look at it and think about each one as every increasing sizes of circles (think of them as shells, if you will), then think about how your own brand of Autism might affect how well you are able to commit to each ever larger and wider circle (read: "break through those shells"), I think it reveals quite a bit about why some Autistics don't succeed well in this world.

If you've ever read any of Steven Covey's work (The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People, among many others), you may have run across a similar list, drawn out as a group of circles within circles, the innermost one, of course being "self." When he used them though, they weren't representing commitment, but influence. The theory goes that you have to be able to influence yourself first, before you can influence anyone else. For example, if you can't keep to your own principles, you're not going to be listened to by your own family, much less anyone else. Who listens to a hypocrite?

The "influence" idea works from the inside outward, as well as from the outside in. We influence those around us in the most immediate circles first and work our way outward as we get older, yet we are influenced from even the outermost circles from a very early age.

Influence in all societies is a "give and take" thing, but during our younger years, we tend to be expected to BE influenced first, before we try to influence others. Unlike with money and tasks, where we are expected to give first, then receive, influence tends to work the other way around. We tend to be expected to receive influence before anyone will accept influence from us.

I got to thinking how this affects Autistics. "Autism" hasn't totally lost it's original meaning. The word Autism's root is "Aut," meaning "self." In effect, the original meaning of the word was "Self-ism."

Autism has to do with how well, or not so well one does in envisioning thoughts and ideas "outside" oneself. I've seen plenty of evidence that most Autistics have a very difficult, if not impossible time of accepting that others do not see the world as they do (including other Autistics).

This got me thinking about those circles again. What if, instead of seeing them as unbroken circles (as if they were barriers), we think of them as areas of fog when they are NT circles, and broken "barriers" where Autistics are concerned. What I mean by that is that where the barriers are "broken" is actually where influence and communication can freely flow, but there the circles are not broken, nothing gets through.

Visual cues might be one "unbroken" part (or barrier) of the circle. Complicated language could be another. Each of us on the spectrum has a unique pattern of barriers and openings through which information and influence can flow.

NT's have much broader areas through with these things can flow, in both directions. Autistics need for information to be targeted at one of the openings. NT's are used to receiving information from others from all sorts of different directions from within another person's "circle," and are confused and often annoyed when the information comes from someone who has to pass it through the same narrow openings all the time.

Now think of those "openings" as filters.

Autistics, when communicating with each other may often face mismatched filters. A great example is when my wife tries to communicate something to me. She'll start off explaining something, and in mid sentence I'm already totally lost. So I'll interrupt her, and start asking questions.

"Wait! What is 'it?'"

"Who are 'they?"

"When was this?"

What I'm doing when I do that is getting her to organize what she has to say in a manner that makes sense to me. The way she tends to deliver information is sometimes so baffling to me, I have to ask questions to help her "organize" the information so that it can pass through my filters and make sense. She sometimes has to do the same with me.

After thinking about all this, it dawned on me. This is the reason so many of us have such a hard time succeeding in society. This is why some of us succeed better than others. Each of us is at a different place in terms of our personal Autistic awareness. Some of us have less restrictive filters than others. Some have severely restrictive filters. Some have learned how their own filters work, and may have even broken through some barriers, or at least weakened them. Some beat their heads against their filter and never break through it. Some break through in some areas and not in others.

Then, even if you do manage to work around your existing filter, or break through in some areas, and do get through to outer circles, learning to allow yourself to be influenced, then trying some influence on others, there is still another hurdle. Everybody out there already is far more practiced than you at relating to one another.

The bottom line is this. No matter where you are, if you have the ability to post on this forum, there are people way ahead of you on the quest to connect with the outside world and succeed. There are many far behind you, some of whom will never break through.

We all face similar challenges in our personal quests, but no one faces precisely the same challenges as you. You know your own challenges, but you do not really know mine, or anyone else's here. I do not know yours. What works for YOU will not necessarily work for others, or even ANYONE else.

There are no universal solutions. To paraphrase and re-purpose one of Lincoln's most famous statements:

You can solve some people's problems with a single solution all the time, and you can solve all of the people's problems some of the time with a single solution, but you cannot solve everyone's problems all of the time with even a single solution or set of solutions.

If you think you have "the" answer, or answers, you are only fooling yourself. If you are Autistic and think you have "the" answer or answers, you are living proof of "Theory of Mind."

It bugs the hell out of me when posters here insist their view are correct. It bugs the hell out of me when people who haven't lived HALF as long as I have insist they have "lived" and learned a lot, then try to teach the rest of us their wisdom. You don't get wisdom from books, from conversations, or from meditation and pondering things! You get it from LIVING and LISTENING.

Spouting off what you THINK you know, as if it's FACT is not wise at all. Not to mention that if that is what you do, it's a huge waste of your time. Because you aren't influencing anyone by simply stating what you believe. Remember, influence should be received first, otherwise no one will accept yours. That not just an NT thing. It's how human beings operate. If you don't listen to them, they don't listen to you, and you have no influence. Engage your mind's ears before you engage your mouth or fingers to keyboard.

We are not like you. We are us. I am me, she is she, he is he, and they are they, and none of us are you.

One last thing. Think twice before posting a defensive reply to this. Keep in mind I have not named anyone. I have not pointed out any particular post that this is about. Because it isn't about any particular post. It's a stream of consciousness. One thought led to another, and this is where it landed.

So, if you think this is about YOU personally, and start defending your views, I don't know why you would bother. Because I'm not attacking your views. I'm not attacking anyone. I'm attacking an attitude that isn't hard to see isn't really right or fair.

If you answer this post as if it were addressed to you, thinking I'm telling you to reconsider how you think and speak, just by doing so you will be identifying yourself as one of whom I speak. Think about it.

This is nothing more than yet another way I've thought of to view Autism and life. Nothing more. I like it. It's helped me understand quite a bit that I can take with me and use. I hope it does the same for you. That's pretty much all I have to say about this. I don't plan to post anymore to this thread, but just read, at least for a while.

This could be an interesting thread, or another useless war of words. You decide. I'm just gonna read, at least for a while. If it does become a war, I will not bother posting again at all. It's just NOT worth it.

Peace.

I loved it. Thank you for posting this as a lot of thought has gone into your hypotheses.......very scientific in its application, even if it is anecdotal or more fundamentally, your opinion.

You have great insight on this topic.

I learnt about influence through Dale Carnegie "How to win friends and influence people". I was 13 when I read this(my father was the instigator!). Just out of interest, are you familiar with his work?

I also find my knowledge of influence or my ability TO influence waxes and wanes according to cognitive stamina. I am 36 and just been recently dx AS. For the last 2 years, I have been barely able to influence a mosquito. Having the recent As dx explains a lot.

Mics

(by the way, regardless of which direction this post goes, please keep posting. I find your writing very refreshing and logical)

Damn, I saw that, too, and I can't recall who it was, either, but...I want to say...it was Alec Baldwin on last night's rerun of a David Letterman show...I could be completely mistaken...but that seems right.

I will. I just didn't want to say much more until more people weighed in.



Yes, that was it. It was his mother's words I believe.

I think your points were very nicely articulated, good sir!

BTW, I've been wondering and I gotta ask: that avatar...is that a picture of you?

every time I look at it, I think of the ZIMA guy ':B-)

I do have one question though: when he speaks of "self", what exactly is his perspective on it?

I have heard many different arguments for and against the idea of "self", but it also depends on the core foundation belief system one attempts to live by.

Does he refer to "self" in a positive light, or a negative light?

Nicely put! I agree! Also I believe that another area where people are influenced stems from childhood. People's general success or failure depends upon how they were perceived by their families, friends, acquaintances, etc.

For instance, Bill Gates. I recently saw a snippet of his family: dad, & his 2 sisters. What I got from it, was that the whole family was very competitive, but also supportive. Growing up in a positive world is everything. Consequently, growing up in a negative world can have devastating affects.

Neither. It's not about whether it is positive or negative on some sort of scale. It's about the necessary order in which we must develop acceptance and exercise of influence. Self has to do with understanding yourself and the principles by which you live first, then living by those principles in a demonstrable manner. It's more of a postulate based on the realities of human behavior than it is his definition of a blanket solution that works for everyone. What he really means by this is:

If you decide on a set of principles by which you will live, and routinely constrain yourself to those principles, you're own principles obviously have influence over you, therefore you have influence over yourself. If you have influence over yourself, you are more likely going to have influence over family members, and that demonstrable influence will in turn make influence over friends and acquaintances more likely, and so on, as your influence spreads to ever increasing circles.

It's a principle that, if you think about it, works in both positive and negative ways. It worked for Hitler. It also worked for Lincoln. It works for almost everybody. I am in part suggesting that maybe it doesn't work fully for Autistics.

It all starts with one's own principles and integrity to them. If those principles allow for lying, deception, not listening to others out of perhaps an arrogant presumption that one has "the" answers, the influence one has may either be either very limited, or could result in a very negative outcome. Either people will see through the facade, or, if enough share similar principles, it can lead to things like the Third Reich.

One of the most important aspects of how it works though, is about allowing oneself to listen, consider other ideas and BE influenced before attempting to influence others. Societies in general are not influenced effectively by individuals that never allow themselves to be influenced by society. This is another area in which I believe Autism often causes ostracism. Generally Autistics prefer to control their surroundings, and not be controlled by them. Influence can feel like control.

It's Steven Wright, comedian (today ~ I change it somewhat regularly).

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1HYUyhujl4[/youtube]

I'm very committed in those four areas of my life. It gives me a good balance. I think that I'm well-rounded that way.