"You Should Be Able to Fix Them"/"Emo"

Post Reply New Topic

Who's heard this: "If you know what your problems are, you should be able to fix them," in reference to your autistic characteristics?

I heard that from someone today. How does that make any sense at all? If someone can't walk because they don't have legs, they aren't going to be able to figure out how to walk just because they know that they don't have legs. I mean, improving oneself is always good... But the fact that i realize that i'm not expressive the way "normal" people are doesn't help me know how to do it. The fact that i realize that i'm not as social as "normal" people doesn't help me know how to socialize. This just seems like nonsense.

If you've read some of my other boards lately, then YES this is the same guy at work i've been having multiple arguments with lately. It's confusing... There's someone who i actually think is interesting and nice and who i feel like i can talk to, but conversations often end up leading to arguments over something because they're completely illogical. It kind of makes me feel like i can't get along with anyone... I don't know how someone i only talk to now and then at work can frustrate me so much.

If you want to know the context:
This was at work today. It was very boring and slow, so we were talking. Firstly, he was saying that everyone in our department should have nicknames. I said that i usually use "Cold Blooded" as my sign-in name on websites, and he said "you're so emo." I don't understand how that's "emo," because it's referring to my love of reptiles. I said that i don't like "emo"or even listen to "emo" music, so i'm not "emo," and he said "that's what all emo kids say." So i asked what makes me "emo" and he basically said that it's because i'm the quiet and withdrawn type, not very social, not very expressive, and probably an atheist. Basically all stuff that is a result of my autism(except the atheist thing, which is not exactly true.. just an assumption he's made because i accept scientific truths), which he KNOWS about. So, i told him "that doesn't make me emo. that's because i'm autistic." And then he responds with something like "oh, don't you say it's because you're autistic. i've worked with autistic kids and they aren't like that, that's just your personality." Of course then i explained that most of those things, not being very expressive/kind of monotone, not knowing how to be social, etc., are features of autism and part of the diagnostic criteria... so, yes, it is because of my autism. So then he said "well, if you know what your problems are, you should be able to fix them." I said that i can't just start being more expressive and social, because the issue is that i don't know how to do it in the first place. Realizing that i don't know how to do it like everyone else does doesn't mean i can just decide to start acting normally(also, those things aren't things i really consider "problems" that i need to "fix"). At some point after this he said that maybe i'm using my AS as a "crutch"... and i don't understand why he said that, because i was just saying that those personality traits are due to autism, i wasn't complaining about it. I said that if i wanted to use it as a "crutch" then i definitely wouldn't be working and i'd be getting disability. After that he didn't say much.

This guy pretty much has his own definition of everything, and, quite frankly, i think he has a deficit in his ability to think logically. He'll even make up facts out of nowhere(i was saying that the first usage of "goth" to describe modern music only dated back to Joy Division... so, late 70s at the earliest.. and he said that Black Sabbath was considered "goth" before then. obviously not true and a completely separate kind of music, but when i said that's not true he kept saying it was. this was a little later because the "emo" discussion lead into it after i said that i liked Goth Rock and not Emo music.. and his ideas such as "Goths listen to metal" made me go into a music genre history lesson.. but i digress...), along with believing in conspiracy theories without checking the facts(the government is spying on us through converter boxes.. that youtube video was a hoax). So even though i kind of like him as a person and think he's smart with computers and stuff, i'm starting to think that he just likes to talk without knowing what he's talking about. He's super-social, though.

But, anyway, i have heard other people say similar things, so i'm wondering if you all have heard this before and what your thoughts are on it.

Yea. People like that are annoying.

Sometimes I think they just want to get into a verbal sparring match. He was probably expecting you to come up with some equally dumb insult for him. That's the "socially correct" thing to do. It's called banter. You aren't supposed to go into detail and point out factual inaccuracies because that's not considered as "fun" to them.

aye ive had it before - from someone who was dyslexic.

so i said to him - you know you're dyslexic - so you must be able to sort yourself out.

a couple dozen reiterations of this and he finally got the message.

Funny you say that... this guy is dyslexic too.

It's useless to argue with that kind of person.

I accepted that most people are idiots and that I will have to fit in to get ahead in this society. If something like this comes up I just agree.
I know I'm lying to myself but I'm just fed up with it.

Them: "If you know what your problems are you should fix them."
Me: "If I could, don't you think I would have already?"
Them: "You are just lazy"
Me: "Does it hurt to be as stupid as you are? Go Away!"

I just tell them to shut up and stop acting like they know the answer to everything, emos are annoying.

If this person possesses such wisdom, ask them kindly to tell you how they would fix your problems. And in order for such issues to actually be problems, you need to consider it a problem in the first place. Maybe you are quite happy just the way you are.

Just as this person expects you to understand him, should you not also expect him to understand you?

Ipso facto, misunderstanding matey chops that you work with.

Ignore him. You do not have to explain himself. Let him go on his petty interpretations(assuming its a "him")

take care,

Mics

Why are people like this?

As far as being able to "fix" things goes...

If you are AWARE of certain tendencies, you CAN avoid them. My mom is still pretty sure I'm ADD, but the trouble is I'm perfectly capable of paying attention, just not to the things everyone ELSE cares about.

But fixing things like eye contact--you CAN force yourself to do it if you know that's what everyone else is supposed to do (actually, eye contact in certain cultures is a sign of disrespect). I'm also the kind of person that needs a lot of personal space, but somehow it doesn't bother me with my wife (for obvious reasons) or my own small children. I also had a professor once who did NOT have the same concept of space as I did, so whenever he'd be talking to me he was always standing within inches of me. I'd try to back away, but he'd just inch up closer. It was nothing inappropriate, he just liked being close to people he spoke to! I knew I'd feel weird about it, but it wasn't worth mentioning, so I forced myself to just let it go.

As far as the "emo" thing goes: I HAVE noticed that about emo kids. Even the ones who are TRYING to be emo will deny it. They are in general very sad and pathetic people that I personally like to avoid (with apologies, of course, to any emos who might be reading this). YOUR problem (the OP) is that you innocently picked a nickname that fit something you didn't expect, and now you've been labeled as something you're not. Personally, I think you should ignore it. But if you think it is a problem, then I think the best you can reason out for this is a nickname like "Cold Blooded," despite the association with reptiles, MIGHT be inappropriate for the situation.

That can only be left to your best judgment, but consider this: My wife and I have a deal--if we are in public, it's her job to keep me from looking like an idiot. I don't really have a problem socializing, it's just that I have a problem knowing what's normal. For example, I went to a church conference with other musicians from my church last week, which included my music minister's daughter (3rd grader). SOMEHOW I got into a conversation with her (I'm 32, btw) about the history of the Korean War. Her parents (who were with us) are the kind that really try to keep their children sheltered, whereas I tend to lean on the morbid side without really meaning to. If my wife had been there, she'd have suggested I talk about something else. She's a very social person and very good at speaking FOR me if I'm every forced to interact with large groups of people.

It's not that you HAVE to care what other people think, more like you have to consider whether you SHOULD care, and if you have a close, intimate friend who knows your condition (assuming you have AS) you can run your ideas by that person first to test their appropriateness. "Cold Blooded" might be cool considering the whole reptilian thing, but has murderous or emo connoations. Something more appropriate but still along the lines of the reptilian theme would be, for example, "Purple Iguana" or "Lizard Man."

Of course, it sounds to me like the dude is just being a jerk because he can, so I probably wouldn't really worry about it that much.

As a general rule, knowledge empowers.

You can't "fix" AS, but the only "help" there is for someone with AS is to help them learn strategies to "cope" or "adapt" to living in an NT world. Understanding yourself, why you do what you do, and why it happens at all, means you are empowered to do something about it.

The idea of "fixing" AS is laughable, though. You might learn to better interact in a meaningful way with NTs and in the NT world, but you will always have AS, and how well you improve is an individual factor that may or may not exceed other people's expectations.

I haven't heard that. Definitely a quite naive statement.

For some problems, whether or not one can fix them depends on what's meant by "fix". I'm nearsighted and have astigmatism. I wear glasses, so that I can see normally. Have I fixed my problem, or have I just found a way to deal with it? Seems valid to look at it either way.

Knowing a problem doesn't always mean it's fixable (even by the looser "deal with it so it's not a problem" meaning). And doesn't mean we know how to fix it (or deal with it) if it is.

Knowing what one's problems are simply means having a better idea on how/where to look for answers on how to deal with it.