Different but no clear idea why

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Hi

I have posted a couple of times in the past, the reason mainly to establish whether or not I am on the autism spectrum or whether I am very introverted/social anxious or whatever.

My reason for posting today after a very long time, is because I've decided that I'm not going to keep tormenting myself with whys but accept myself for who I am and work from there. I've been feeling incredibly lonely and disconnected particularly as I have been ill with a virus. I've been looking back at how I have allowed people to treat me like a doormat and worse from a very young age, mainly because I was afraid of confrontation and also because I blamed myself for being different. How I am different and why, I think I will never know. I want to let go of wondering and just get on with my life anyway I can.

I'm 41 now, and I suspect I am very introverted naturally, I have chronic fatigue to I often need to rest and be alone to re charge, have social anxiety from past experiences and may or may not have aspects that are common in people on the autistic spectrum.

I wanted to say hi, and would appreciate hearing other people's own experiences and advice. I need a lot of rest alone in order to function in social groups. I know that my autoimmune disorder is a major factor but also I get sensory overload, and feel drained in company.

In the back of my mind I wanted to one day 'fix myself', as I frequently feel like I stick out like a sore thumb with my quietness. The more space and rest I have, the more ease I feel in social situations. I have lost faith in myself and others to be honest, but now I want to build myself back up.

Id appreciated other people thoughts. x

Checked your post history *creepy stalker alert* and found an old thread of yours from November 2011.

I can't diagnose you, but you tick quite a few boxes for me. Enough so that I don't think you'd be wasting anyone's time if you sought out an official assessment at an adult autism clinic.

From my teens onwards, I defined myself as an introvert with depression. I seemed to fit quite nicely into the introvert box. Oddly enough, it was my mum who suspected Asperger's in me as a teenager and sent off for some literature about it. She remained unsure about it and nothing was done.

I saw the literature (wasn't meant to >_>). Since my mum denied strenuously it was about me, I couldn't talk about it. I don't remember the list of symptoms after 20 years, but I do remember thinking that a lot of it didn't apply to me. For instance, I never monologued or 'info-dumped': I was overly sensitive to being boring to other people. How much of that was down to my childhood, I don't know. But from an early age I learnt to be secretive and withdrawn and was not inclined to share my interests with other people.

Asperger types were also meant to not be interested in fiction; reading stories and daydreaming was what kept me going as a child. My interest in non-fiction extended to learning different dog breeds and not much else.

I knew I was socially incompetent, but not quite by how much. I thought I was shy, introverted, boring, moody, lonely, etc. - anything except having Asperger's. I wasn't even ashamed of it: I just didn't recognise myself as this deeply literal, humourless robot who had a fascination for memorising serial numbers, or whatever.

I'm not gonna go into the story of why I had an assessment for autism in the first place, 'cos this post is long enough as it is. Somewhat to my surprise the diagnosis was positive. I've since then spent the last 6 months trying to found out what the f*** it was I got wrong :/

Hi, Summer 123. Reading your account, which rang with such sincerity and clarity, took me back to my decade of being in my forties.

Whoever said the "life begins at.." was on the money in my experience. I was a very different person at the end of my 40s than the one I was on my 40th birthday: it's a decade of major change, maybe the best way to say it is that it opens the pathways to become more like ourselves, rather than the carbon copies we were brought up to be (which in fact we never were anyway).

I think you have made a terrific start. The insights into your past behaviour and experiences, the determination to practice pleasing yourself now rather than others (deservedly so), to step out of a dependent life (which people pleasing always is) into a life of your own is about taking back the personal power that has been missing from your life. Not missing now

Power is a key word here, I think. You let others in the past steal and misuse your power without realizing it, or noticing it; now you consciously reclaim that power - the power to determine your own life and choices, to truly decide what you need and who you are, how you will live.

It won't happen all at once, and progress in these huge and major transitions isn't linear - there will be progress mixed with setbacks. Expect the setbacks, and they won't feel so discouraging when they occur. There are always bumps in the road, however we live. I am wishing you a truly great 2015, as you shed the toxic past like a chrysalis and fly...

Hi NiceCupOfTea

Thank you for having a look at my previous posts, and giving me some insight, I haven't read them since posting. No worries about the stalking! Feel free!

What you wrote about your experiences, sounds very close to mine. Daydreaming is what got me through, and when I spoke even briefly, I would be hushed by my bossy friends or family. This was mainly as I got used to being dominated by adults and other kids, due to my massive lack of confidence. My family didn't help, which is why its difficult for me to be able to say that my struggle socially is one thing or another. Any sensitive child brought up by my parents and especially with my older brother who was constantly dominating and belittling towards me, (and still is), would struggle socially as a result. I would say that if I have traits of being on the autistic spectrum my other brother definitely does. If I had a balanced upbringing then, I still feel that I would be 'different' but it wouldn't be at the same level as it is. I blamed all bullying, my inability to stand up for myself, some abuse and my mother and older brother's inability to be have and empathy for my feelings at all, on me being 'different'.


When talking with people I am hyper sensitive to other people being bored, especially as I am quietly spoken. I notice that a lot of people who are known to have good social skills seem to ignore the obvious signs that a person has drifted off, but seem to regain the attention again by pushing on to another aspect of the topic, or a different tack until they have drawn the person's interest back in. They don't seem overly concerned. Their popularity seems enough to make another person want to be interested, even if they arent'.

For me, as soon as I see the glazed look from someone (the one I try so hard not to show), I stop talking and give up. I then feel mortified and down. I actually think many people actually have dreadful social skills, more so now than every, but can get away with it. I feel that Im great at understanding body language, but dreadful at working my own, and I get mis read and misunderstand. I would actually go as far to say that people who are not on the autistic spectrum don't have a monopoly on body language and reading people. I actually would love to study body language and make us of it.

Its clear that this has and always will be an on going issue for me. I think I got the impression from the responses in my last posts that Im probably not on the autistic spectrum, yet my struggle continues, so either way, I need to resolve how I feel about myself. Whether I have a toe in the water, or i'm immersed deeper in the spectrum, I truly believe that the social skills of non autistic people are over rated and inflated and people rely on other tricks. I see a lot of manipulation, fear of isolation, and all sorts of methods used by people who arn't able to conduct themselves as well as they'd like people to believe.

Thank you for your reply, it validates my issues, and has given me food for thought. As you can see I do go on and on, but only in writing!

Take care, and thanks again. xx

oh, and by the way, Nice cup of Tea, I would love to read about how you came to get a diagnosis, (only if you want to share that is). x

Hello B19

Thank you for that! I love the way that you wrote the reply, beautifully expressed. I can relate to all that you have written. Are you a writer at all, can I ask? I haven't looked at anyone's previous posts, so I don't know anything about anyone.

I would actually love to write myself as is how I express my true self. I have a small group of wonderful friends, who can see and enjoy me as I am, but most people just see a quiet boring person, and have no interest in finding out whether that is true or not.

Thank you for that. Have a wonderful 2015 yourself.

Take cares. x

ps, sorry about the typos!