Is anyone else profoundly solitary?

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Apologies for rambling nature at some points, I have a habit of that.

I can be sent into violent meltdowns from face to face human contact, and even online I stay generally low-level (I feel a responsibility to reply to people that talk to me on Twitter via threads/tagging etc, but to be honest its not terrible, and I only go there if I'm able to). I have now whittled down my life to 1 hour face to face human contact a week total (save for when I have appointments with a professional, which is about once a month, or once every 6 or so weeks a trusted friend will visit, but I make sure I never have local friends, nearest one lives 50 miles away and I have no personal access to a car, I'm blind but I live in London which is replete with accessible public transport).

Social services gave me support workers in the past for my autism and blindness, but it turned out that I'm actually fiercely independent (who would have thought with my need for extreme solitude and ultra resilient ways, tbh my autism is atypical due to low general anxiety but acute extreme meltdowns when I'm put in a bad situation, which I am good at avoiding). I had meltdowns every time the support workers came, I couldn't stand their presence around me and I called the company up and told them never to send support workers again. My social worker then stopped the funds. I felt like I was rapidly losing my sanity with that face to face human contact.

Fast forward to now, the NHS and social services know to keep out of my face, and they literally do it. They can see that I can mostly look after myself (save when complex things like getting the central heating fixed, I can't do it so I didn't do it for 18 months and instead just chose to save money with zero heating in my flat except rare use of a convection heater, a 12-13C flat isn't actually a problem for me, and when I got hit by a car, I didn't contact the insurance company because I have no understanding of insurance, and that was over pretty quickly as i did absolutely nothing about it, I get into funny situations like that but I resolve them by usually doing nothing or sneaking out of the system tactfully, I honestly find it amazing that I'm still alive and living in the community tbh). It was seen that I get so agitated and violent (the police get called when I do meltdown my worst as I lose all self awareness and control and I have severe cPTSD so that adds to the mix) upon face to face human contact, and that I generally am fine alone. My life is pretty simple in many respects, lifetime unemployed and council tax i exemption registered severe social impairment, certain things adults generally have legal responsibility for are taken by the state for me.

The NHS - well my ability to use that has fallen apart so hard that I have 20+ diagnosed conditions and my GP is my only doctor, I have severe trauma history from medical things, starting from my mothers Munchausen's by proxy and severe childhood abuse and neglect (my dad was never really around but he would have been a good force in my life if he wasn't always away on business, leaving me with my every mental illness in the book heavy alcoholic mother who gave me foetal alcohol syndrome and a few other things) and hospitals are a no-go. I have been hauled out of wards, and I have gladly left because I feel nothing but extreme mental torture in medical settings.

As you can see, I don't have responsibility to contact people. NHS mental health services even know, its best to leave her alone, its the safest option, just don't interfere with her and you won't need to call police units round).

I have my life currently down to the lovely 1 hour maximum face to face human contact a week. Online contact is optional and I only dip in when I feel ready. The 1 hour a week is usually not reached, but my postman talks to me a bit, and my neighbour talks to me a bit. I'm kind of that mysterious person on my flat block that people just know I don't want interactions with them.

This low level of face to face human contact, and services staying out of my way, is where I have finally reached a state of decent mental health and absence of police dragging me to A&E by force to be forcibly sedated whilst I'm in handcuffs and leg restraints flipping out and having zero self control. I'm also really freaking glad that I managed to attain a decent level of independence (even though I live a risky lifestyle in terms of what blind brain damaged people generally should not do, which social services just ignore thankfully), because when I was 19 and I was sectioned and said its too dangerous for me to go back home, they put me in council supported housing because my mother taught me NOTHING, well she taught me violence is a good method to deal with problems, that alcohol takes people's minds away and destroys their lives (funnily enough I hate alcohol, especially since I got force fed it as a 3 year old onwards), and that destruction is a way of life. I had to unlearn a lot of bad things. I couldn't even operate a washing machine or use an ATM to withdraw money (she wouldn't let me have my bank card). I also had no limits on media usage, bedtimes, etc throughout my childhood so everything was dysregulated and I got into a lot of trouble initially. I am so glad now that I have learnt the ways of life and gained stability.

(note that I am lifetime unemployed so far, been on high rate disability and unemployment benefits because apparently I qualify)

But if I were to have support workers, doctors to see, or just people that don't want to leave me alone, f*ck I would be a thermonuclear intercontinental ballistic missile.

Also the amount of time I get to spend on my circumscribed interests is awesome.

People can tell me I'm marginalised due to being banned off 2/3 of the NHS, social services choosing not to regard my case, having no central heating, having no support, "severe social isolation", police interventions having happened, etc, I don't see it that way, I see my life as finally reaching peace.

It sounds like you are managing reasonably well given the difficulties that life has handed you.

I am not solitary myself. Ideally I would have a partner who was with me always, which I have had in the past, and more friends. I just wanted to chime in with a reply.

Not to the degree you're describing, but yeah. I am getting increasingly where I want to be a hermit. I think a lot of it is social burnout from working retail, but I have also never needed other people as much as people seem to need each other.

Dear Problematic Entity:
I'm not blind but i think otherwise i'm very similar (profoundly solitary). It's not that i dislike people, just that i find them quite stupid, and i'm allergic to their stimuli. Everything and everybody is (partly) stimuli. That's the shell, the vehicle. "Oops, wrong planet" refers to this-- if you're oversensitive, this, with its humans, is indeed, the wrong planet.
Dunno what else to say about this, except that, like any other situation, it has its plusses and its minuses. So focus on the good parts! I'll quit now, before i veer into cornball pollyanna-ism!
Infinice - old autist in Vancouver