best book for learning about AS in relationships

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I'm new to learning about AS and my partner doesn't want to get tested but believes she has it. That might explain some of the communication difficulties that we've been having. We've been together almost 5 years but have also suffered some complex grief experiences. She is so important to me but I think it's important that we figure out how to communicate better. I can work around whatever it is but the trouble is figuring out the best way.

What I'm wondering, is what do you think is the best book for helping couples improve their communication and understand each other?

I recognize that individuals have their own unique ways of aspergers but there's got to be a list or guidelines that we could try that might help. I did read "Alone Together: Making an Aspergers Marriage Work" by Katrin Bently which was ok but more of her own personal experience like a memoir and less like a "how-to" book

I'm also very interested in talking with other partners of AS folks.

Thanks!

I'd recommend 'Asperger Syndrome and Long Term Relationships' by Ashley Stanford. I own this book and have read through most of it in vain to salvage my failed marriage. However, the book is excellent. It's been a while since I've read it.

You can find it on Amazon, here's the link:
http://www.amazon.com/Asperger-Syndrome ... 1843107341

Hi Zestfive,

I have AS but my partner doesn't, so you may find my experience a moot point. However, I have found through much of my own research that communication is a "language" all on its own. The use of words is merely a tool with which to dispense that "language". Just like body language, reading facial expression, using tone of voice and other factors are all part of the communication language.

I lack intimacy, or the natural instinct to be physically intimate. I am not speaking of sexual intimacy, I am speaking more of hugging, touching and making eye contact. I lack some of the fundamentals in letting my partner know that I am "connected" using non-verbal cues. I have learn't to remind myself of it, because it is important and I love him. I forget that he requires demonstrations of my feelings for him, outside of me just telling him that I love him. I am mindful of it, I pay attention to my own process. It is very hard and takes a lot of practice. I also have to do it with my son.

If the 2 of you are dealing with AS, writing things down is a good way of communicating, if you are so inclined. I cannot describe my feelings very well, but I can negotiate my own process to a degree. Eventually, I can partially explain my feelings but it usually takes weeks, which is not very conducive to dealing with things in a timely manor. My partner is VERY patient and has learnt to listen very closely to the things I don't say. In the AS literal world, I cannot do that, so if both of you struggle to do this, then making lists is a good way of not forgetting what you are trying to say.

Another tip that may help, is to designate a time that you sit together and go through your lists. Take the phone out of the wall and do not have any distractions if you can manage it. This helps my partner and I, so it may help you. I cannot talk of feelings while there is chaos or noise.

Also, I told my partner the way I like to hug (firm around my arms which are pinned to my side, and my head on his chest with a slight rocking motion). When he does this I feel instantly calm and connected. The connection is through he fact that I feel safe in that moment and he is the one providing the "safety feeling". Sounds very clinical but it works.

Take good care and good luck to both of you. I wish you the best.

Mics

I second this suggestion. I've found it to be an amazing source of strength and understanding.


Do you mind providing an example of what that list might look like?
I'm not sure from your post what you guys are making a list of.
It sounds like something I could try with my boyfriend.

Hi TruthTree,

Honestly, the list can be about anything you think or feel, no matter how "abstract" or baseless it may seem. In other words you do not necessarily need a reason as to why you felt angry or happy or annoyed, it just is. The understanding of the feeling usually comes later, or it does in my case.

My psychologist who specialises in AS has asked me to keep a notebook. I have a headings in red that say "feeling" and "trigger". Then I fill in the blanks next to the red headings. He is trying to help me understand that my feelings are a process born of a trigger and if they are written down when I feel them, I seem to make a shorter leap in understanding as to why the feelings happen.

I do not discuss this book with my fiance, however, I do make lists of things I want to bring up with him. Like, it makes me angry when my environment is messy because he leaves things lying around in the wrong place. I don't mind mess as long as it has its place.

The thing with relationships is that it takes 2 to tango . My fiance needed to understand why his spanner that is sitting on the kitchen bench for 2 days makes me want to have a meltdown. I mean, it is just a spanner, but to me it is chaos. The spanner does not belong in the kitchen, it belongs in the garage with all the other tools. He had to understand to a degree the importance of order in my environment before he could happily do as I ask without him feeling that I was just being petty or demanding. That spanner going to the garage is part of my mental health!

Try the list with your man and spend some time thinking about what you are actually THINKING about. It helps to structure your lists and then you can bring it up over a cup of tea or something.

Take care and best of luck.

Mics

Hi TruthTree,

Honestly, the list can be about anything you think or feel, no matter how "abstract" or baseless it may seem. In other words you do not necessarily need a reason as to why you felt angry or happy or annoyed, it just is. The understanding of the feeling usually comes later, or it does in my case.

My psychologist who specialises in AS has asked me to keep a notebook. I have a headings in red that say "feeling" and "trigger". Then I fill in the blanks next to the red headings. He is trying to help me understand that my feelings are a process born of a trigger and if they are written down when I feel them, I seem to make a shorter leap in understanding as to why the feelings happen.

I do not discuss this book with my fiance, however, I do make lists of things I want to bring up with him. Like, it makes me angry when my environment is messy because he leaves things lying around in the wrong place. I don't mind mess as long as it has its place.

The thing with relationships is that it takes 2 to tango . My fiance needed to understand why his spanner that is sitting on the kitchen bench for 2 days makes me want to have a meltdown. I mean, it is just a spanner, but to me it is chaos. The spanner does not belong in the kitchen, it belongs in the garage with all the other tools. He had to understand to a degree the importance of order in my environment before he could happily do as I ask without him feeling that I was just being petty or demanding. That spanner going to the garage is part of my mental health!

Try the list with your man and spend some time thinking about what you are actually THINKING about. It helps to structure your lists and then you can bring it up over a cup of tea or something.

Take care and best of luck.

Mics

Ive not found any of the books aimed at AS relationships very helpful at all but I found the DR Phil relationship book immensely helpful.