AS crush and his bogus girlfriend

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I have mentioned in a previous thread about an AS guy that I have a crush on and we've been on a few dates (I'm NT). The problem is that he continuously raises the existence of a bogus girlfriend even on our dates! I know he really likes me, so why on earth would an AS person do this? I've been trying to figure this out for months, but to no avail. Have any of you done this before? If so, why? (I know there is no girlfriend)

He is 42 years old, never married, shy, very reserved and seems quite insecure even though is really good looking.

Maybe he is embarrassed by how inexperienced he is with dating so he is overcompensating

he may be awkwardly trying to make himself seem like more of a challenge to you.

just tell him you really like him and you really wish he didn't have a girlfriend. be that direct.

then wait a week or two and see what happens.

I know he has had a few girlfriends in the past so there's really no need to have a bogus one, really! She even has a career and they do things together! How does he think he is going to get me if this is what he does...continuously!! It's baffling!

It's called "fake it until you make it" and he's not doing it right if it's transparent to you. Having experience is a necessary prerequisite to getting experience insofar as lack of experience is counted against someone. Therefore, at some point when everyone has to get into their first relationship with zero experience, a little fibbing is necessary. But if he already has experience, then he's making a mistake by continuing this process, even if it was necessary for him when he had his first girlfriend.

Last edited by sgrannel on 26 Apr 2011, 12:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Um. I hate to be the only one to say this but is there a chance he really does have a girlfriend? Why don't you ask to meet her and tell him she sounds so nice you'd love to meet her. Also if you can't meet her then it's a shame and you really wish he were single b/c you like guys like him.

There is no girlfriend, of that I am positive. Arranging to meet "her" would seem futile as he can arrange for anyone to take that part.

My guess would be one of 2 things:

1. He feels the need to compensate for his lack of dating experience.
2. Its a security blanket he use(s)(d) to keep people from approaching him. (I myself have considered making up a fake boyfriend to get people to leave me alone.)

I don't want to disappoint you, but I don't think you're going to get a satisfactory answer to, "why would an AS person do this?" I don't think "an AS person" would do this, necessarily. I've certainly never done it, never heard of anyone else doing it. Frankly, I think this goes beyond, or is something different than, AS. To be honest, it seems really quite atypical in that lots of us are truly desperate to make the kind of connection that you seem to have made with this guy. We tend not to (intentionally) put up roadblocks like this. I'm sorry you're having to deal with a frustrating and fairly ridiculous situation. Now, if your complaint was that, "this guy is talking my ear off about all of these crazy special interests" then maybe we could be more helpful! Just another way of saying that this seems unusual.

Perhaps he has an online girlfriend.

Otherwise, I imagine he read some sort of dating tips online and got the idea from there and is trying (and failing) to play hard-to-get.

Maybe he's trying to let you down gently?

You also cannot be sure there isn't another gf without calling him on it. Another user suggested requesting to meet and you said no co's she's not real. If that's the case, why not suggest it. Unless you're worried she is real and you don't want to know for sure.

Also like another poster pointed out you can't say it's cos he's AS so come asksome other auties because humans are individual and all think differently. ITs like asking an asthmatic why because he's asthmatic.

Just ask straight out. If he was that keen he wouldn't try so hard to make you think there was a gf. A guy who wants you will want YOU not a potentially fictitious gf.

He's talking in riddles currently - he says one thing but his body language screams another. I arranged for a chat with him about a month ago to figure out where we stand, but he took over the conversation and it was centred mainly around marriage - seemed like he was testing the waters.

I was confused after that and arranged for another chat to clarify matters and that chat happened today and I am sure he knew why I wanted to chat. From the time we met today he started talking about this gf so it basically killed what I wanted to chat to him about. As we were leaving he says to me "maybe you should tell the guy how you feel". What guy?? I didn't talk about any guy during our conversation, so I'm assuming he was talking about himself. See the things I have to try and figure out? Poor me ...

It sounds like he has pretty low self-esteem and can't bring himself to hope you were talking about him. And if you're talking about an aspie, you probably shouldn't count on body language too much; we are notoriously bad at it.

My advice is to straight up tell him your concerns and make it very clear to him that it's him you like and you don't want him to have a different girlfriend. That kind of straightforwardness is the only thing that will get through to him.

if he's talking about marriage he probably does like you.. he's just getting a bit ahead of himself..

as others have said, tell him you like him, and while you do it, just encourage him to take it one step at a time. if you really want to be accomodating, tell him you could definitely consider marriage, but that would only happen after a very happy relationship after a long period of time.. that will set his mind at ease that you're going int he same direction (even if you have no clue right now).

I have done this; i.e. invented girlfriends. In my case, it is to do with embarrassment about my total lack of experience and a desire to appear normal.

It is interesting that this issue has been raised - I posted on the other thread about this particular topic to describe an experience I had, as I saw some parallels with the outlined predicament of the OP, and it so happens that I too had invented a fictitious girlfriend in the scenario described there.

I get the distinct feeling he's either trying to 1) make you jealous and make you desire him that much more or 2) Increase his appeal by mentioning this other girl who likes him. Either way, it's a sign of a low self-esteem and/or manipulativeness. Put in another way, he's trying to get you to like him that much more (He might not be entirely aware of how much you like him.).

Last edited by swbluto on 26 Apr 2011, 11:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.