Totally inappropriate, yet again

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My fiances grandmother is in a nursing home in palliative care. Her heart is not good, her kidneys are starting to fail and she is in and out of coherency. We don't know how long she has to live.

My fiance rang me this morning after going to visit her. He told me that she had asked him for a glass of water but the jug next to the bed had alfoil over it and the glass that was there, had a viscous solution in it. It did not have the consistancy of water, so he thought it was more likely to be sputum. He went to the tap and got her some water and in my terribly literal way, I explained that she should not have had water, because her kidneys are failing and cannot excrete fluid and cellular waste, ergo the viscous solution was more likely to be a nutrient based, less water based supplement, but fluid enough for cellular respiration. I wasn't sure if I was right, but it sounded probable.

Then I realiesd how much of a turd I sounded. My poor mans grandmother is dying, and I had to point out his mistake in supplying water. I apologised my arse off and he understood. He is used to me by now. He knew I did not mean to be cruel.

Yep, did it again.

Mics

That doesn't seem that terrible to me . . . but then, I am hardly an authority on what the right thing to say is. On a not-entirely-related note, if she's going to die regardless, I don't see why she can't have any water if she wants it. It must be horrible being forced to drink a nasty, viscous solution when what one actually wants is refreshing water.

I hope your fiancee is coping with the situation. Don't feel bad - I'm sure you offer him support and kindness in countless other instances. It's good that he understands you and knows you aren't trying to be cruel.

I agree with Poppy. I don't see it being that bad, but then again I would easily say the same thing in the same situation.

I'm glad your fiance is so understanding, though.

if she can not tolerate fresh water, then she will soon enter a state of uremia, and i am afraid that it is not a good thing.

it seems the end maybe near, and so a good drink of fresh water may be the best thing for her happiness.
protein ingestion should be halted to extend her life for a small while if she wishes to remain alive.
sorry

Main thing is that you said what you did because you wanted to be helpful, and you said what you thought was correct. And the jury still seems to be out on what the best drink would have been.

I think I know what you mean though, about the embarrassment. It's hard to live with the idea that we're intrinsically clumsy with people's feelings. One thing that helps me is the idea that we can work wonders as long as we're into learning how to.

I know a couple of Spectrum people (they're not diagnosed like me but seem to have it as bad or worse), and they've both stung me with that, they can be really insensitive at times. I've felt tempted to think they just don't care. But I know it's not malice and I'm sure they value me as a friend, they show me that in lots of ways. And of course I empathise with them because I get very similar problems myself. Time will tell for sure, but so far I've had worse from neurotypicals.

As far as I'm concerned, you were correct to inform him of the facts. It's not like you berated him or anything, right?

That doesn't sound cruel at all! You were being helpful and you may have prevented quite a dangerous mistake (giving fluids to people in kidney failure is tricky... next time perhaps even get the nurse to ok it first).

You weren't disparaging his gesture. It still was nice that he was trying to help, and in this case, the thought still stands, but it was also nice that you used your knowledge to help too.

Maybe you said it a bit know-it-ally or something, but even then, I'm sure he's too grateful for your help to care! Also, the fact that you're visiting with him in the home at all speaks loads

You were absolutely right about water restriction for people in kidney failure... they cannot excrete water, so drinking at will can be very dangerous. However, water excretion is usually the last thing to go, I think, so maybe she wasn't at that point yet. Still, it was important to note. If she is peeing, then she is excreting water. Generally, you first start peeing clear water, since nothing is being filtered into the urine, and then the ability to pee stops, and if you aren't on dialysis by then... bad news. I'm no kidney expert, but I think you acted very appropriately.

Thanks everyone. I feel better now.

Mics

good intentions mean everything.