From another world

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ok i really need some advice and just to vent.
I am a 23 year old woman, from the uk.
I was diagnosed with ADHD when i was 15 and have been on and off ritalin since then. i am now off it for 2 years.
As a child i was sexually abused, and i became a nightmare wild child, i opened up and told the truth when i was 18 and since then things have calmed down, i was diagnosed with PTSD
I still suffer from a very bad non-concentration. so much so i had to forget college and get rubbish jobs. My partner is becoming more and more annoyed with my behaviour. My temper can go crazy, i get really annoyed that i can feel red hot rage from the simplist of things.
Anyway, recentley i have been exploring my adhd. Something just isnt working for me anymore. I dont want to go back on ritalin but i need help. But im convinced i havent got adhd, that i never did.
Researching and working with children with behaviour and emotional difficulties i believe i could have aspergers.
I know the two conditions are very similar.
Here are the things about myself that i am worried about, maybe someone could figure out what diagnosis i actually have.

- I do struggle with empathy. I sometimes dont understand why people cry when there loved ones die. i find it very fiddicult to comfort them. i change the subject and act like nothing is happening.
- my imagination, my world, is my heaven. I prefer my world to anywhere else and could spend hours, if not days, just 'thinking'.
- i can over think situations. I have had a huge passion for horses and have owned my own. although my mind is over careful, and it limits what i can do. i want another horse, but im terrified of riding. i cant ride at theme parks, i cant fly, i cant drive, i cant take risks, although when i was a teenager and very adhd, i would do anything.
- i do have obsessions that are on my mind constantly, i also feel i am the only one in the world with that obsession and i should be recognised for it.
i have to count to calm down, and i always notice pattens.
- i annoy the hell out of family as i have to repeat everything. if we see a movie, i will ask about 6 times if they enjoyed it so we could talk about it again and again
- i suffer with panic attacks about vomiting, so much so that when i do vomit, i panic so much i am on valium, and i lose so much weight, i am clinicly aneroxic, although i would never ever make myself aneroxic, the bigger the better i believe.
- i feel ashamed to be happy sometimes, and i wipe it away.
- i can be very childlike, but i guess i know that i lost my childhood so am living it now.
- FYI my father actually belives he is from another world and is spiritualy connected to the paranormal! dont ask!! !
- i cannot look people in the eye, on meeting new people, i am looking at my feet as i shake their hand.
-i hate anything social, i try to avoid it as much as possable.



there is more, i just want some advice and not apper to my doctors as a hypercondriact.
i apologise for my spelling mistakes, as you can guess im not academicly smart! if anyone has any advice on what to do or say, or any diagnosis they think i may suit.

welcome to wp

I'm a 30 year old woman from Ireland.
I have been diagnosed with ASD, and severe PTSD. I was also sexually abused as a child, and again in my teens and twenties. Here's my take on the points you make so you can compare our responses:

-I struggle with empathy a lot. I've learned to recognise emotions but I still don't always feel them. I know what the emotion is and how I ought to react but that's just not my reaction.
-I do tend to live in fantasy worlds because I can control them. This is common in female aspies. Check out http://www.help4aspergers.com/pb/wp_a58 ... 83e339.JPG on this.
-overthinking, obessing. check.
-not good with family as they let me be abused.
-vomiting...ick...no thanks. no vomiting or food issues, pass the brie.
-haven't felt happy in years. can't remember but I don't think it embarrassed me.
-childlike: completely unashamed of reading Eva Ibbotson at age 30, check. Also, I play Wow.
-father dead, can't comment.
-hate meeting people period, consider eye contact a duty.
-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh, social, noooooooooooooooooo

sounds close to me.

i just dont know what to do. im sick of ritalin, i just belive i was wrongly diagnosed. i just dont know what to do or who to turn too.
i am aware of how 'glamorised' adhd and aspergers has gotten, it seems alot of people 'want' a diagnosis, and im not one of those people.
i sometimes feel i am the only one in the whole world, i just really need some advice.

Salem, my heart goes out to you. I've never experienced sexual abuse, but I'm aware of the devastation it has on a person's psyche, and their ability to empathize normally. You described some of the traits people find on the spectrum, but it's just as likely the result of your trauma. Definitely some PTSD there.

If I go any further I'd just be patronizing, since I don't know what to say to help. Welcome to WP, though, and I'm sure there are people here who have great insight for you.

Welcome to WrongPlanet.

First off, welcome to WP. I hope you're able to find some of what I've been able to find here.

And considering there isn't much difference between my story and your story.... well, I suspect you will.

Reading what you wrote, put a lump in my throat.. and that's hard to do.
There are many people here who have been sexually abused as a child. It surprises me just HOW many too. I honestly think it's in the nature of being Aspie that we invite abuse and walk blindly into situations where abuse is most likely to happen. We don't see the motives behind people's actions, we seek understanding which requires more time with people than simple knowledge. And.. most of all, because we tend to be social outcasts, we grab onto those who will "put up with us." Predators know to look for that kinda person. And we wear what we are on our sleeves, without even knowing it, or that others can see it so blatantly. We may know it now that we understand Asperger's and that we're a bit/lot older. But as children... we're beacons to abusers.

Your list of issues... Nix the horses, change the issues with the panic attacks, but I still suffer them... that's me.
Oh, I was 34 when I finally admitted the abuse... Still hard to make myself understand it wasn't my fault.

The part of "ashamed to be happy" really rang a bell. Almost spooky.

What you said about your father wouldn't help. It's not really any different than the religious abuse I put up with. It would create cognitive dissonance, which is conflicting beliefs in your brain... You wanted to love your father, but he's a nut-case. I wanted to love my parents, but they made me hate myself and fear myself.

Anyways, you are among friends here.
Feel free to talk about whatever bothers you.

If you take the ritalin for mainly dealing with panic attacks, may I suggest you talk to your doctor about a non-neurological drug, that has had tremendous success with PTSD. Prazosin. it's an alpha blocker for blood pressure, and is used off label and is great for relieving issues that lead up to panic attacks. To me it's a wonder drug.... at one time, it was a panic attack most nights... now I almost have to be in the literal "worst case scenario" to have one. (such as in a locked, small, overheated hotel room, with several other people that I care for, all sleeping, with the girlfriend using my arm as a pillow so I can't move)

thank you for your help :0)
i am not taking ritalin anymore, i stopeed when i was about 21. but the doctor perscribed me Mirtazapine, to deal with my panic attacks.
which is helping.
I just feel adhd was the wrong diagnosis.
when i was diagnosed i was 15 and i was out of control. now the hyperactivity has died away, my other issues have resurfaced.
i want to get the right help.
sometimes, with everything that has gone on in my life, i cry and wish to be dead, wish to have the courage, because i dont feel i belong here. i feel very..i dont know...like im the only real person.....
i just dont know what too do.

Hi to "salem" - - A couple items - - (1.) Curious about your unused supply of Ritalin [we have a PayPal]; (2.) you write: "My father actually believes he is from another world and is spiritually connected to the paranormal! Don't ask!" Well, ok, but dig - I think maybe we met your papa on the astral plain not long ago. Kidding aside - - Your Life feels screwed up & your Mind is full of confusion - - which is so similar to many who touch in here. At the same time, many of us have come to discard the negative self-image that we internalized & have opted for a new vision; i.e., may you meet people here who are Sources of Strength!

You know, I'm seeing some OCD traits there, too--the anxiety-based repetition and need for patterns, as opposed to the kind you engage in because your brain's just built to run on repetition. Some of that may respond to therapy; but if you decide to address it, you'll need to make it very clear that your autistic-like traits are normal and don't need to be removed, as they don't cause distress the way the OCD-like issues do.

I'm not saying you have OCD, mind; but it's something to look into. A red-flag for OCD is that you engage in repetitious behavior because it reduces anxiety, which is a disorder because it's not long-term effective in actually reducing the anxiety; so if you learn other ways you can deal with it more long-term and not have to do whatever it is you do repeatedly (you're talking about counting to calm down).

You can, of course, have both OCD and autism... I think some shrink is gonna have a field day with your differential diagnosis

To me everyone has some difference and labels only help explain apart of self, we are all human and to me different but the same some how. I have stop worrying about all my neurological differences, I am simply who I am and often I prefer my own world within this world that makes me happy anyway and anyone who has a problem with my differences I simply let it be their problem, unless they think they have a right to try and fix, change or cure and then they will hear me loud and proud, go look at yourself first, ignorance comes to mind!! !

First of all my heart goes out to you. Hold on and hang in there.

I think the goal of this life is to figure out who we are and where we belong. I understand the anxiety surrounding you, the feeling alone in the world. You have to try and relax so you can understand your reactions to your world. It will help you determine what is your hard wiring and what is your conditioning. In the course of any normal day you will begin to see how you are in the world and what you notice and how you process information. You have already come up with some lists of things that make you anxious. Look at that list and trace your reactions. You may find some cause or you may find you just feel that way and have always felt that way about it. You will begin to see a pattern of things that occur natural to you and things that occur because of upsetting factors outside of your control that damaged you. It helps because then you will see why you have phobias, depression and other problems. I understand why you want to 'know' what is wrong with you. It is like if you know then maybe it could get fixed. Well there is no clear cut fixes. Valium helps with the anxiety when you have a fear but later benzos come back and bite you with paranoid feelings. You will get new fears because you are paranoid from the benzos. The only way to get better is to study. If you are depressed, read about depression. If you are anxious then read about anxiety disorders. Learn who you are and what you struggle with and what you don't struggle with. No one can know you but you. You may find that it is AS and all the other things that bother you have their beginnings in AS. But being AS has nothing to do with how life was defined for you by your caregivers..ie parents. You are a combination today of all of your experiences AND your hardwiring. They all work together to make up the whole package.

The diagnosis world is very very slow and stupid. You are from the ADHD generation..any kid with anything wrong was ADHD. Maybe you were a kid with AS and whatever happened to you in the world would extra affect an AS kid...like cause PSTD symptoms or other diagnosises. They have no clue because they rush to a diagnosis to figure out treatment. I hope you stop and listen to yourself and read, read, read. I hope you don't turn yourself over to any diagnosis and let it define you. The goal of this life is to find your place, what you like to do and what brings you peace. It is not a pill unless you cannot function. If you can function by changing where you go and what you do then do it without a pill and learn your own path.

Good Luck

You are right, ADHD and AS can be very similar. Someone with both could easily have been only given ADHD diagnosis due to clinical ignorance.

Your situation sounds similar to mine in some ways, as an ADHD diagnosed person who has been through childhood abuse. They are trying to tell me I have PTSD mood impacts because of the abuse I went through around ages 9 and 10. It is so difficult to explain all my thoughts when I see these therapists to try to convey that my problem occurs when trying to engage in the rhythm of social interaction and that I don't feel that stress from reminders of the trauma is even an issue. They haven't even begun to explore who I am whilst trying to tell me that PTSD is affecting me.

Self help is sometimes the best help. Tony Attwood has written about asperger's in girls and I would recommend it as well as his complete guide. They are excellent resources that would give you a self-managed means to unlocking more about who you are, if feel you might be on the spectrum.

wow thanks guys! means alot that i can just be true here.
I just believe that when i was abused, at around 8 or 9, i managed to 'black it out' and went on being an out of control teenager, and sent to therapy who put me on ritalin and gave me the diagnosis.
But now im 23, and after research i believe it was worng. i belive i 'acted out' and they just figured i had adhd.
i was only diagnosed with PTSD last year and have been on mirtazapine ever since.
I only take valium if my panic attacks are real bad, i havent had one tablet this year.
I just feel like know one understands how i work. that i am on my own, singular and literally from another world.
i have worked with children with adhd autism and aspergers, and can relate to them. I am going to the doctors in a week or too, and shall ask to see a specialist. But i dont want him to think im a hypercondriact, that im 'fishing' for the diagnosis, as adhd and autism seem to be what the trend is.
i want to be taken seriosly. i want to feel.
i have had help with the abuse i went through, and recieved help with my ' adhd '. But im not convinced.
You know sometimes, i have thought about ending my life, because im not in contrl.i never would, but of course it has crossed my mind.