Gaining other people's trust

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"lets yall know this............TRUST comes quickly to those who use their ears better than their mouths!! !!"

From time to time, I come across someone's facebook status that really strikes an issue with my autism. This is one of them. I decide to trust people based on their actions, patterns of behavior, and sometimes the benefit of the doubt, and that has worked well for me, especially patterns of behavior. But when it comes to gaining other people's trust, I'm always unsure of how that works. My first reaction is to talk and talk and talk about things I think would be important for them to know in order to gain a mutual trust. But that's the wrong thing to do. From reading this, I've realized how true this is. In the social world, trust is best achieved by not saying much. You gotta show you are actively listening which is where the eye contact comes in. You gotta be able to make your point in approximately as many words as the other guy used, or less is better. Now we all know most of us can talk and listen at the same time, and not just to other people talking, but every background noise goes noticed as well. And we all know we can listen without making eye contact. But the thing is, nobody else knows that, and only your close friends and family might (repeat might) know that about you and accept it about you.

So how is the next question.

On eye contact, I find I have to make the conscious effort to do that. Sometimes it's easier to do than other times. When I find it difficult, most people are content with me staring at their lips (my natural place to look since that's where the noise comes out), or at their eyebrows. Nose makes me very uncomfortable to stare at, so I don't go for that. But staring at the other facial features is more a pass. The actual eye contact seems to make them feel like you are really listening to them and a bond is made. Now of course, keep in mind, this is for adult humans. Most animals, and babies, prefer little to no eye contact.

On making your point in few words or less, there are two types of people in this world, and I've learned this from the wrongplanet. Most people think Main Idea and then contrive supporting details. Some people, like myself, think details to get to the main idea. People like me find it very difficult to make a point in a few words or less (obviously, hahahaha). I have yet to master this one, but I figure practice makes perfect. I did go through a good phase where I made a conscious effort to keep my posts on the internet (facebook and wrongplanet) short, but it took hours to do and I've sort of stopped doing that cause I don't have that kind of time to spend on the computer anymore. But I'm sure somewhere in practice, that practice would make it perfect. But if anyone got tips on this one, please share.

Also, please share your comments, questions, and view points. I'm really interested in hearing.

I think you have some great observations here. I can tell you from experience that eye gaze can get easier over the years as you desensitize. As for knowing when to shut up, that I have not mastered yet.

If this is the case, then why is it that the Neurotypical chatter incessantly, while we find even small talk conversation to be excruciatingly difficult until after some sort of trust relationship has already been established? Or am I missing a qualifier?

I can say that I personally distrust people who talk too much - it usually gives me the impression that they're using babble to cover for something or to deflect attention away from something they don't want you to examine too closely. The more a person prattles, the more closely I start to analyze everything they say, to determine what they're trying to bury in the BS.

But I generally get the impression from observation that Neurotypical creatures don't know what to make of you if you say too little. I think it's the pointless sharing of a thousand irrelevant and inconsequential personal details that builds trust and creates bonds for them, where for us it's more likely to be a shared personal interest.

Maybe I'm misunderstanding your meaning...

It's crucial to call people by their first name.

I have intimacy/rejection issues and have always found this hard.

But ... no trust can be built between two people who are not on first name terms.

Sometimes it is the simple things that mean so much ....

I've learned over the years, to call people by their first names.

I'm so sorry I haven't been on here in a while. I'm just living life from one cataclysm to the next at this point. But anyway...

Yes first names are a great way to build that trust.

At Williard, I do think the small talk is a way to build trust. I'm not usually game for it, but I notice when I do play that game and keep things as fake as possible, people trust me more than when I'm being my honest real self, and a lot of that is shutting myself up. How are you doing? Fine, you? Fine. That seems to go farther than... How are you doing? Fine, you? Oh you don't wanna know. I am having such a crazy day. First there was the .... and then the .... followed by the .... I'm just so.... that I can just........ People then look at you like you just escaped from the funny farm, then you can tell they are questioning why you are talking to them, then they question why they are even talking to you, and then they find some way to close the conversation so they can leave it. I've really noticed it on job interviews. I tell people straight up with me what they see is what they get, and with most people, you never know what you are going to end up with. That doesn't go far unless you are talking to someone else who might be Aspergers or just have an Aspie friendly personality. So I think we are both trying to say the same thing in just different ways. But I might of misunderstood what you were trying to get at.

This is a great thread, my own problem with trust is that if I like someone or like the idea of what they can do for me I generally trust them and it has constantly put me in harms way my entire life. So as it would follow, if I give trust away for free I wouldn't really have any understanding of how other people decde who and what they trust. It used to bother me that people would not grant me their trust because I had justified to myself that I don't intend to harm anyone and am committed to a fair exchange of social graces and ideas with everyone.

SO, what I can tell you about my success's gaining peoples trust is very limited, but I do know that the more you can pick up from somebody of what is important to them and use these as topics as conversation it goes a long way to start building trust. It is making sure that they know that you are concerned about them but you have to be careful to not seem fake. It is best to state facts rather than opinion, for example if you know they own a house do not get into speculation about housing prices in their neighborhood, rather get them to talk about the plans for the house but remember the purpose of the exchange is to let them know that you know their house is valuable to them, and then re-enforce your small talk by taking care to show respect when you are in the home