Wayward Child Placement

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Hello fellow Aspies...,

I am the mother of a 16 year old female recently diagnosed as being Aspie. I would like your opinions and thoughts about the above topic. Let me give you a little bit of the details.

I am in the US. My daughter was diagnosed first with what they believed to be ADHD at age 3, Diagnosed as bi-polar and with severe Tourette's at age 9. Has a genius IQ of 137. Was excellent in school until she hit middle school. Became uncontrollable and first seen the inside of a psychatric hospital at age 12.

She is and has been a stimmer all her life, beginning with rocking back and forth, she is self abusive (cuts herself) and engages in very risky behavior ( is and has been a problem run away, refused to attend school, police problems).

She has been in and out of the psychatric hospital four times in the past two years. Recently the State in which we live has declared her through the juvenile court to be a "Wayward Child", and has made her a ward of the State. This was done mainly for a few reasons...

1. To get her to regularly attend school. Law here states that she must have attained the last day of her sixteenth year before she is allowed to quit school, and /or have reached the educational level of having completed the 10th grade, in which she has done neither. Even then, until she has reached 18 years of age, she must have parental permission unless she would have otherwise graduated and finished school at age 17 which some students do.

2. Keep her from becoming a statistic. She will take off with people who she does not know other than they are "nice" to her. She has no real friends, and does not form personal relationships well. Most of those whom she does form friendships with are also those suffering from psychological/ neurological disorders. That it is believed that she makes herself an easy target for predators.

3. That while she is in the state of a rage, will not endanger herself. Fear that she may take her own life as she is already self abusive.

Because of the factors listed above, she was placed in a State ran group living facility by the order of a Family Court Judge.

The reasons for doing so are as follows...

1. That we, her parents, have exhausted all reasonable options available to us as parents. We have had her to the best of doctors and shrinks, explored all schooling options available to us and have even weighed home schooling to no avail. When she does attend school, she is failing in every class with the exception of art, sleeps in school, and does not believe that she should be made to attend school. She also does not believe that she should ever be made to work, unless she feels like it, which she says she does not.

2. She is a persistent police problem. She is found wandering the streets at all hours of the night ( after climbing out of windows etc.) She is a truancy problem at school when she does physically get there, she takes off. She does not believe that she needs any type of supervision, etc.

3. Her tourette's is so severe that she still jerks and twitches when she is on medication, and when she is not, it can resemble epileptic seizures. That if she is not on other medication when she rages, she can become violent, threatens to kill people ( only literal) etc.

The facility that she has been placed in is LOCKED DOWN. While there is another house in the facility for those with less restrictive rules, it has been determined that it just allows her to take off and go wandering and usually ends in the police returning her to the facility. She lasted in the other house ONE DAY. The facility that she is in has a 24/7 staff of four, and there are only 4 girls her age in this particular facility.

Yesterday I got the most disturbing phone call. It seems that while she is brought to school everyday, that she somehow found a way off school grounds during the school day, and did not return back by the time the girls at her "house" were picked up. She was listed as AWOL, the police and her social worker called as well as myself. At 5 pm ( they get out of school at 1:45) she was still missing, and still at 11:00 pm. She finally returned at about 6 am this morning. When questioned to her whereabouts, she said that she slept at this guys house. This guy is a legal adult, and they wanted to know if I wanted to press charges against him for harboring a minor and after they question my daughter to find out if he had sexual contact with her, if I want to charge him for statuatory rape. Whilst 16 is the legal age of consent in this State, it does not apply if you are considered to be mentally incapacitated.

I would like to know what you as other Aspies think of the situation. I would appreciate any and all responses, either pro -con as to what my daughter may be thinking.

Thanks!

I'm sorry it hasn't been easy for you or her. That is obvious.

I think charging the guy would be a complete travesty of justice. If she's of legal age of consent, how the hell is he supposed to know she's "incapacitated"? There are some girls that age who are seriously into experimentation in a lot of ways - who's to tell the difference in a short encounter? At least she wasn't sleeping rough in the bushes, and, hopefully, she's caught no fatal disease. And he didn't hurt her. Hopefully again, at least she had a good time with him, and got some comfort for a while. Not the ideal situation, but any form of peace sometimes is better than none. For a little while.

Parents often feel that they should stop a behavior they think is dangerous or detrimental. I empathise. It's natural to want to do so, to protect your baby. If the child is much older - almost "legal" age and knows what they are doing, it becomes a different issue entirely. If she's oblivious to danger - if she's walking on a roofline far from the ground and doesn't know she's on a roofline, that's one thing. You have very few options. It appears this is what you believe to be the case, and you have been fortunate enough to have some options and to have been able to exercise them. At least you have that for whatever comfort it is.

However, if she's aware she's up there on the roofline and could fall, and is there because she wants to be there, it's her choice to make. Not yours or anyone else's. Society, her parents, friends, the courts, whatever, may not approve of her choices or lifestyle or who/what she is, but she has a right to exist, to make her own decisions, as a sentient being. Regardless of what/who others think she should be.

You seem to think it imperative she be "in school." Why? There are other ways of living. "School" is an artifical construct of recent origins. Social indoctrination 101. Perhaps she'd fit an alternate lifesyle better. Perhaps she wants one? Perhaps she's completely clueless on this front? Does she know there are options other than middle-American? Do you? (Not knowing her, I can't offer much of an opinion.)

If she's terribly bright (IQ 137), perhaps she already knows that she's being forced to be someone she isn't. Which implies that she is "not ok" existing as herself. I'd rebel like hell (and did at a slighly older age) against that. Middle school age is about the time when things start to "click" in a more abstract way in one's head. That's the time when one begins to realize one is not an extension of one's parents. It's not always an easy concept to manage, becoming "self" on ones own.

Uncontrollable? How so? Not doing what you expect of her? Or something truly serious like throwing herself down flights of stairs at a young age, etc.? There's a huge range of difference there.

Have you talked with her about how to not become a victim while out on the streets? About the various strategies that people use to manipulate other people? How to spot them and how to avoid them or negate them? About AIDS and how to avoid it? Avoiding pregnancy? How to spot a STD on/in a prospective partner? How to stay safe when away from home? What places were most likely to put her in jeopardy out there? Places where it's probably ok to crash if she's not coming home that night? If she's into drugs, how to obtain and use them in as safe a manner as possible? And the alternatives to drug use? Warning signs of violence in men and how to spot a potentially dangerous situation? How to get out of it? How to recuperate from a beating? When and where to get medical care if it's bad or she's sick? What kind of clothing she needs, how important it is to keep her feet dry and how to maintain at least minimal sanitary standards? (And why it's necessary?) How she's going to get food to eat?

Or are you able to talk with her at all? Has anyone been close to her, or have you had to rely on hired help (therapists, etc.) to try to communicate with her? When she was little and as she grew, could you talk with her? Not to her, not at her, but with her? If so, when did that change, and why? If not, if you never had real soul-to-soul conversations, why not? Even Aspies can do that, although sometimes you have to use a different set of channels, techniques. Have you asked her what hurts her so much? Has she been able to figure it out enough to verbalize or otherwise communicate the cause? She's definitely communicating the pain, it would seem. Or does she trust you enough to share that with you, at all? Can she trust anyone? Who? Are you sure?

Pain. Sometimes, when one has no other control over what happens to oneself, one seeks any sort of power one can wield. Anorexia. Cutting. Causing sensory input. Because it's self-controllable, even when detrimental. Pain can be one's friend, sometimes. It can put order on chaos. It's reliable. It keeps one alive, inside. Nobody can take that away. Which will make sense to those who have been there, and none to those who have not. When it's no longer needed, it will stop.

The question is, really, where is she? Is she lucid, or not? If she's lucid, it would appear she's not planning to live the kind of life you want her to live. Not that it's better or worse, one way or the other, than what she's got now. Let Her Go. It will hurt you badly, if you care about her. She will stand or she will fall. But she will learn from it, one way or the other. You may not like the outcome, but it's not yours to choose.

If she's not lucid and is truly intellectually impaired, you have put her in the safest place you could and that's all you can do. Miracles have a way of happening only on TV or in the movies. I wish that wasn't the case.

I'm sorry for you both - you both appear to be in tremendous pain. There's nothing more that I can see to do, given the information in your post, but to let things take their course. It's her life, she'll sort it out or she won't. (Unless she can't.) It may take a while. Just because she's chronologically 16 doesn't mean her head is where most people expect a 16-year-old's head to be. Parts of her head may be 45. And parts 6 years old. It takes time.

It will be tragic if she doesn't make it. But that's not up to you or anyone else, really, when all is said and done. Just her. Either way, it has to be like having your heart ripped out and handed to you. I'm so sorry for you both.

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I wrote all this under the assumption that you love her - you truly and deeply love her and are willing to accept her for who she is and really only want for her to be happy someday. And that nothing you have done was done because you felt it was your duty or your obligation as her "parent" and what was "expected" of you and that you had to make her into the "right" kind of child. I'm not meaning to be harsh here. But there are people who seem to think of their kids as property - somewhere just above a labrador dog - or something they have to "do" rather than as viable, separate entities who need love, acceptance, and sometimes guidance. If I'm mistaken on that basic assumption, my gut instincts say that both you and she are totally screwed.

In the end, and considering all the above, all I can say is step away a little. And that I wish I could give you something that would help you understand/reach/help her. But it pretty much, I think, has to be asked of your daughter. And she may not know.

Has anyone suggested that she may have Conduct Disorder (CD)? It's apparently a form of Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD)?

I'm sorry to hear about you and your daughter. It must be terribly difficult.