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Joe90
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13 Oct 2012, 4:44 am

I know I do, because wherever I go I never seem to make friends, unless I go to the same place several times and get used to the people there. But if I go to a social event for a day, like someone's wedding or birthday party, I never make friends or get chatting to anybody. I do smile and make eye contact and do all the other right things, but I still can't seem to attract people (not in a sexual way). It even happens when I go on holiday. Most other people always seem to make friends when they go on holiday, whether I'm with them or not, but I never do. Sometimes it makes me feel miserable.

I asked my mum how she starts to make a friend on holiday, and she just said it just comes naturally, and that you just got to be in the right place at the right time then you get chatting, and familiarity builds up quick. It takes me a little longer for me to build up small friendships like that, so going on holiday, even for two weeks, is not long enough for me to come out of my shell.

Does anyone else appear standoffish, no matter how much effort you try to make to be friendly? Does it hurt you as much as it hurts me?


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Who_Am_I
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13 Oct 2012, 5:28 am

Undoubtedly I do.
It doesn't bother me at all.


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Cafeaulait
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13 Oct 2012, 5:55 am

I don't know what 'appearing standoffish is'...



Surfman
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13 Oct 2012, 5:57 am

...maybe...



lyricalillusions
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13 Oct 2012, 6:00 am

I definitely do. I keep to myself and don't interact with others.


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onks
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13 Oct 2012, 7:21 am

Joe90 wrote:
I know I do, because wherever I go I never seem to make friends, unless I go to the same place several times and get used to the people there. But if I go to a social event for a day, like someone's wedding or birthday party, I never make friends or get chatting to anybody. I do smile and make eye contact and do all the other right things, but I still can't seem to attract people (not in a sexual way). It even happens when I go on holiday. Most other people always seem to make friends when they go on holiday, whether I'm with them or not, but I never do. Sometimes it makes me feel miserable.

I asked my mum how she starts to make a friend on holiday, and she just said it just comes naturally, and that you just got to be in the right place at the right time then you get chatting, and familiarity builds up quick. It takes me a little longer for me to build up small friendships like that, so going on holiday, even for two weeks, is not long enough for me to come out of my shell.

Does anyone else appear standoffish, no matter how much effort you try to make to be friendly? Does it hurt you as much as it hurts me?


For me it seems to come naturally that I'd screw the important things.
There are some people I can discuss with, however, they quite often nowadays get bored about me,
and so do I.

Familiarity is destroyed quickly, I am just too different.
Job related discussions work out relatively well, though, it seems nobody here, is really interested to talk about work, anyway.

Or then they'd not actually understand what I am talking about...
they are just too young, most of them and do things how they are supposed to be done.
Fast and without too much thinking.

And if I'd ask something that goes beyond that, they'd think I didn't get it what their work is about.

Yeps.
I could really need some more friends that are somewhat similar
or some group that I could join where are a lot of introverted guys...



Joe90
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13 Oct 2012, 7:51 am

Cafeaulait wrote:
I don't know what 'appearing standoffish is'...


It means giving off an unintentional distant and unfriendly manner, even if you try to be friendly people can still tell there's something ''off-ish'' about you. It's such a hurtful thing.


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b9
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13 Oct 2012, 8:06 am

Quote:
Do you appear standoffish?

i do not know how i appear. (this is a complicated question for me to answer because 3 lines of thought simultaneously erupted when i was considering a response and i must be careful not to intermingle them).

1. i do not know the true meaning of being "stand offish"
i know what a classical stand off is (where 2 people have weapons aimed at each other and are locked in the inevitability of a mutually assured destruction if they decide to pull the trigger first (due to the grip response of the counterpart being triggered and resulting in a fatal return bullet before the original shooter could survey the situation))

2. i think that when people say "stand offish" they mean "cold and aloof" (from contextual experience).
i am often very uninviting to people who cross my path in real life. i have no desire to encourage people to talk to me, and i mainly ignore them unless they talk to me, and then i give them a "verbal printout" of my answer to whatever they ask, and i must move on after i consider that i have answered a question satisfactorily.
if i dawdle, there will be more questions, and people get angry easily if i do not say what they want to hear, and i have no idea what they want to hear, so they get angry almost every time if i spend more than the time required to answer 1 question that they ask.

i have never found people interesting generally.

3. stand off-ish is opposite to"stand on-ish", and i guess i am lucky that i do not want to immerse myself in the wiles of the community in which i live.

i will never be a door mat.



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13 Oct 2012, 8:20 am

'Yes' and 'no' - it seems I am a 'safe place' for others who have trouble fitting in, at least in certain contexts. It just depends. I have been called both 'sweet' and 'stuck up' or 'stand-offish'. The 'stuck up' really hurts. I just don't understand it.



Joe90
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13 Oct 2012, 8:29 am

Men seem to like me more than women. I think women are more hypersensitive to any small detail of what body language we give off, or maybe men are more hypersensitive to men and women are more hypersensitive to women, I don't know. But I still don't get chatting to anyone when I go on holiday, not even men.

I thought ''standoffish'' only meant one thing. That word is quite a good word to describe me with unfamiliar people.

I have been getting the same bus for almost 6 years now, and I recognise a lot of the other regular passengers that have always been getting on and off too, and they recognise me too, but I never find myself saying hello to them, where as most people do when they've been getting the same bus for a few years and recognising the same people. That's probably due to looking standoffish with me. They probably think I'm unfriendly.


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PTSmorrow
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13 Oct 2012, 9:52 am

Please don't take offense, but what in the world could be important or interesting in any strangers on a bus saying hello? I think if you really want them to say hello, you should do so first. Say hello to them and then you'll see whether they respond.



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13 Oct 2012, 10:09 am

Lot of people leave me alone and don't talk to me. So maybe?


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13 Oct 2012, 10:33 am

Probably



outofplace
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13 Oct 2012, 2:00 pm

Yes and no. I know I used to get told I was that way all the time, so I have worked on it for years. I still have problems with it, I am sure, but now I am easier to get along with. I still have a hard time making friends though. I think that comes down to some other factors, such as my level of intellect being much higher that that of those around me. I know that sounds arrogant, but I tend to think it's true. When those around me want to talk about something, it's usually sports or pop culture. When I want to talk about something, it's science, history or engineering. I don't relate well to the interests of most people and so I probably appear like an intellectual prick (I have been told that I was many times in my life). I try to be less black and white nowadays, and that seems to have helped. However, my lack of interest in partying, drinking, drugs, strip clubs, gambling, etc. means that I will forever be an outsider since where I work, those things are what people consider "fun". Me, I'd much rather sit around and have a good discussion about something important.


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Cafeaulait
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13 Oct 2012, 3:06 pm

Joe90 wrote:
Cafeaulait wrote:
I don't know what 'appearing standoffish is'...


It means giving off an unintentional distant and unfriendly manner, even if you try to be friendly people can still tell there's something ''off-ish'' about you. It's such a hurtful thing.


I might have it. But I don't know how to get rid of it??



Joe90
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13 Oct 2012, 4:28 pm

Cafeaulait wrote:
Joe90 wrote:
Cafeaulait wrote:
I don't know what 'appearing standoffish is'...


It means giving off an unintentional distant and unfriendly manner, even if you try to be friendly people can still tell there's something ''off-ish'' about you. It's such a hurtful thing.


I might have it. But I don't know how to get rid of it??


I don't know. It seems like I can't do anything about it, although there is a way if I was able to be more confident, which I don't seem to have the guts to do, out of some intense fear of saying the wrong thing (which I normally do if I try to act more confident :roll: ).

But I do know of 3 sisters in their 40s, the first one is very sociable and confident and has lots of attractive charisma. the second one is very easygoing, doesn't have many flaws, and just goes along with the flow and tries to be cheerful and friendly. And the third one is socially awkward and very nervous and shy (sometimes I wonder if she has some ASD traits), but is nice enough. But the first one and the last one both seem to attract men (the first one obviously more so), but the second one gets nothing, even though she's as good as both her sisters, and doesn't look much different to them as in appearance, and is just as attractive as her sisters, and takes as much care of herself as they do (maybe even more than the last one), but the second one never, ever gets any men after her, ever. She gets hurt sometimes, and someone said to her that maybe she appears a bit standoffish, in that way. She says she can't help it, it's just an unlucky vibe what some people happen to have. But that doesn't mean we are destined with it forever, maybe it comes from a mixture of shyness and low self-esteem, and there are things that can be done to improve things in that way but I'm not sure how. That's something I'm going to ask my counsellor about next week.


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