I suspect my best friend's husband has Aspergers

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Hi - I am in a quandary - having spent two weeks on holiday with my best friend and her husband, I now believe that he may have mild Aspergers. His odd behaviour and inability to react favourably to any change in routine did have an effect on the enjoyment of our holiday. My friend has been married to him for over 30 years and is extremely patient and supportive to his changing moods - but I'm not sure she understands the reasons behind her husband's behaviour. As I wish to be supportive, should I say anything to either of them, or should I just carry on as normal? Half of me feels that my friend should tell me if she knows and if she doesn't know, would it be helpful to their relationship if I were to discuss it with them? Any help from the forum would be much appreciated.

YeovilSal

It's kind of humorous you're asking a forum full of autistics on something a bit like social etiquette. I haven't a clue as to how you'd bring it up without offending someone. If your friend is really that understanding of him, however, she probably won't get offended by the mention of it.

But there's nothing you can really do about autism. So, if he already has support why bring it up? Does he work? If not, is it a problem if he doesn't? Bringing a "disorder" into it can cause things to be viewed negatively. I wouldn't bring it up unless you think it'd improve their lives.

Hmm.. I'd have to agree with this a bit.
I think the proper ettiquette would be to let her bring it up.

But you could sent her a short email indicating that you are available in the event that she feels a need to talk, or a shoulder to lean on. Then wait and see. The fact that you are stating this wish to her, so soon after the 'vacation', may suggest to her that you noticed the oddities and lead to said discussion.

I love the taste of chicken, in the morning.

I don't really think it's necessary to bring it up; they've been married for 30 years so it's obviously not severe enough to be causing them problems with their relationship. My dad is in the same situation: he has a good career, a solid marriage, and a happy life. So when I was diagnosed and we finally realized that he had it also, we decided an official diagnosis for him was unnecessary just because there would be no actual benefit from it. I think the same might be true with telling them your suspicions, but then again, it might not be.

Do you feel she would be in any way "offended" or react negatively if you told her?

Maybe he's not "so moody" when they're alone.

Thanks to all of you who have replied - yes I can see how the etiquette thing could be viewed as humourous to you - but to a non Aspie, it's about learning to open, understanding and sensitive to behaviour which can come over as very inflexible and on occasion rude. I am fortunate that I have worked with many different kinds of people in my life and I let rudeness wash over me - but I know that my friend does occasionally worry about some of the things her husband says to me (and others) and appears to me to be very hurt and confused. The thing which really brought the situation home to me was when on holiday I suggested taking a different road to save some time - I was the driver and he was the map reader and he really lost his temper in what I perceived was a completely unreasonable way - I understand now it was because he hadn't had time to plan for the change. I agree that his wife has been living with him for 30 years and their marriage appears to be good and stable and on balance, I won't say anything unless my friend asks for help.

wise, obi wan. ^






This is a breath of fresh air around here and is good for the depression in the forum.

Last edited by Mdyar on 14 Sep 2010, 5:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Talk to your husband about this one. He knows his best friend better than you do (presumably), and would be better able to decide whether to talk to him about it.