How do I deal with the fact that 60% of people will hate me?

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simfish
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26 Dec 2009, 10:01 am

I'm not dealing with it very well.

Plus, it makes me intensely misanthropic. Which further alienates people from me. I feel like I have to tell others that I'm misanthropic too (for instance, I've joined a bunch of misanthropic facebook pages). It's a way to let out steam.

yet there ARE some people who are tremendously accommodating and understanding. and forgiving. and i know more of them than i used to. and I can ALWAYS meet new people, I KNOW. my feelings are SO irrational. I've just been rejected so much in the past that I feel like I want to lash out, somehow. to tell the world of my hurts, of my pains, no matter how irrational my hurts are. I wish I could isolate myself and NOT go crazy, but this isn't really possible. and truth is that i am "just another person" to most people. to most people, I am severely autistic, but that still means "just another person". and in a few years it will just be a blip on the radar screen. They hate a lot of others too, but they give little thought to them, and don't do much about them.

But things ARE SO MUCH BETTER than they were several years ago for me. I was incredibly immature. I'm still immature, but I'm getting somewhat better.

also, has anyone here seriously considered a name change? I'm in college now, so the logistics of name changes may not go out that well. Also, I still want to go into academia, and this may be an issue when I want to apply to grad schools.

Thanks so much everyone. I'm sort of busy now so I can't give many replies to replies until after monday.



Metal_Man
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26 Dec 2009, 10:05 am

20% of the people will like you, 20% will hate you and the remaining 60% won't care if you live or die. Applies to all Aspies and NT's.


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26 Dec 2009, 10:56 am

I hated the name Beth when I was little because I thought it was bad luck and no wonder I was different. But yet there was another girl named Beth in my school and she seemed normal and no bad luck happened to her. I also knew a Beth in my neighborhood and she was married and had three kids, she also seemed normal, no bad luck. So I knew my name wasn't a curse.


I quit caring about people disliking me. I was happier that way. I can't please everyone. I know not everyone here likes me.


I don't see how a name change would get people to like you. You still be you except you have a different name.



Shadwell
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26 Dec 2009, 12:27 pm

Metal_Man wrote:
20% of the people will like you, 20% will hate you and the remaining 60% won't care if you live or die. Applies to all Aspies and NT's.


I would agree. It's probably in your head or not worth worrying about. And if they don't like you for being eccentric well you'll people who do. I worry about it too much too and am trying not to.



thedaywalker
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26 Dec 2009, 12:28 pm

how to cope how to cope.... f**k THEM



MrLoony
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26 Dec 2009, 12:33 pm

Dogs and wolves recognize members of their pack by smell. Other social creatures identify themselves based on sight, calls, and other methods they have evolved over the years.

What people call social grace was actually something that was created to recognize members of a "pack." If you didn't know the right greeting, you were recognized as an outsider. If you notice, pack and colonial creatures do not like outsiders very much. Wolves and lions drive them off, ants kill them (brutally).

In reality, when people hate you for not having social grace, it's xenophobia. It's an inability to go beyond their conditioning and see the person for their worth rather than just an outsider.

These people are to be pitied, and their ignorance is to be dismissed as just that: Ignorance.

If people started hating you for, say, donating to charity, would you take that seriously? No. You'd dismiss it. You are above that ignorance. Don't feel bad because of it.


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cosmiccat
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26 Dec 2009, 12:47 pm

I've never heard of the 60% thing. And I don't believe everything I hear anyway. Don't bother yourself about the statistics of being liked or not. Just do your own thing and do it well. Even if you change your name, you're still going to be you, so what's the point.



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26 Dec 2009, 1:07 pm

You just have to meet more people, it is more like 90+% hate everyone else, not just you.

The other 10% make it all worth it. one out of ten is not bad.

Also, it is a game that attracts the weak, when they think you are weaker. They are.

You do not make friends with people by being weak, but by standing your ground.

I am me, take it or leave it. The world is a fuzzy place, I like clear lines.



Blindspot149
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26 Dec 2009, 1:52 pm

Accepting your unsubstantiated figure of 60% without question, perhaps you are overlooking an obvious and wonderful 'fact'.

40% of 'people' will not hate you, perhaps even LIKE you and perhaps even LOVE you.

Thanks for starting this thread at what is clearly such a very busy time for you.

Please don't feel compelled to respond directly to anyone who posts a reply...........that is what a thread is for......to start things off.......

Happy New Year...............everyone.........

:roll:


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Willard
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26 Dec 2009, 2:34 pm

I'm not sure how you're defining 'hate', but 60% is a pretty massive number for general assumption. Sixty percent of the people in your life won't ever notice you exist unless you go out of your way to intentionally piss on their parade - or buy them a Cadillac. Just remember to bathe regularly and wear an antiperspirant.

Only a small handful will actually despise you and most of those will be control freaks who expect you to follow orders rigidly and behave just like everyone else - their way. They're a minority, but they're bullies, so over time it feels like you've encountered a lot more than you have. Oh, and ex-partners. Ex partners will almost always hate you. If you have even one relationship in your entire life end with a handshake and a "Nice knowing you, best of luck in all your future endeavors ," consider yourself blessed.

There will be an intimate group of a few who will actually like, admire and want to hang close to you, and why would you want any more than that? Even Jesus' posse was barely more than a dozen and he was (supposedly) God. Unless you have some twisted need to lead a cult, that's enough. In the long run, like minds are drawn together - you will fit in best and most enjoy the company of people who fundamentally think along similar lines to yourself. Trying to be 'popular' with everyone that falls outside that circle is A) a lot of unnecessary effort, B) marks you as desperate and superficial, and C) Usually doesn't work out happily in the long run. I know it sounds like trite advice, but be yourself and the people you belong with will find their way to you.

Name change: My parents nicknamed me as a child with a diminutive form of my given name, which I decided by 14 or 15 to shorten to a form that sounded less (in my opinion) like a baby name. Some relatives still use the old nickname and it doesn't bother me, but I always felt more adult and confident once I'd ditched it.

In my former life in broadcasting I used a professional Nom De Plume for years that I literally plucked more or less at random from a phone book. Many people I've worked with over the years call me by that name to this day, some don't even realize that's not my actual legal name.

For me personally, I was always much more comfortable working behind that mask - even though most of my exposure to the public was done from a closed studio where they couldn't see me anyway, becoming that 'other guy' was very liberating - as him, I could say outrageous things I'd have been far too self conscious to say as me - at least in front of thousands of people. OTH however, the people I met, knew and worked with (IMO) reacted to me - to my personality as an individual, not to my name. The mask of the pseudonym was of benefit to my own self confidence, but had no direct effect on others as far as I could tell. Hope that offers some insight.



TheMidnightJudge
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26 Dec 2009, 4:01 pm

Where do you get the 60% from? 60% of people you meet or 60% of people you know or just 60% of people?

Just value your friends and forget the rest, I suppose.


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Nordic
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26 Dec 2009, 4:56 pm

I feel you.

I finished grad school this past year and was pretty much shunned and ignored by most of my classmates. I got closer to a small number of people along the way and over the past few months a number of them have de-friended me on Facebook. People that I thought I got along with pretty well and people that I that I could consider a mentor. And these are folks in higher education , mind you, where "Diversity" is the big thing.

What can you do? What did I do? I try to remember that I do have some friends who like me and that my occasional donations to charity and volunteer work mean I'm a good person (if imperfect) who is just misunderstood by a number of small-minded people. You can't force everyone to like you... And having AS, means people will make unfair assumptions about you. Don't let it goet to you... it's not your fault.

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harlequinsenor
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26 Dec 2009, 7:10 pm

From my own experience, I'm fairly convinced that the VAST majority of people... probably 8/10 people... that I have ever met have not liked me. Most seem to when we first meet (or maybe they're just being nice), but when they "get to know me" (or the lack thereof) they start to loathe me it seems.

The few people that do seem to like me though are almost always very loyal and good friends... unfortunately I think I've hit a ceiling of sorts with my social development and they inevitably are forced to leave me behind.

I think I'm just not a very likable person.



Moony
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26 Dec 2009, 7:37 pm

Metal_Man wrote:
20% of the people will like you, 20% will hate you and the remaining 60% won't care if you live or die. Applies to all Aspies and NT's.

I disagree. Being the only one in the class shunned from all activities and left to cry in the corner taught me differently.

I've changed since then. But nevertheless I still disagree.


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Callista
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26 Dec 2009, 10:13 pm

Well, I know we often rub people the wrong way; but that's not the same as being disliked. Most people, when they meet someone that seems annoying, will simply avoid that person. That's not dislike; wouldn't you stay away from someone you found annoying?

In any event, I think it's possible to learn not to annoy most people; I think I will one day learn it, as I already have a large list of topics and situations to avoid. Other things that annoy people are standing too close (never stand within arm's reach; if they want to stand closer they will walk closer to you); or speaking too loud (still working on that one, and have been told "inside voice" multiple times... sigh); or being dirty. There are also very specific rules for sexual situations but I have not bothered to learn them because I will not need them.

Also, the weirder the people you associate with, the more likely they are to be OK with your weirdness. The important thing is that you have to also accept theirs, like if they've got mental illnesses or developmental delay or bouncing off the walls hyper, you've got to learn to work with it, but I think that can be learned too.


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