Self Downing

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I noticed something about this on another topic. I have always been this way but never attributed it to AS till this morning. I mean I guess I could see where it comes from. Does anyone else down/scold/punish their self?

I get so bent out of shape from making mistakes that my technical school teacher WOULDN'T yell at me for ANYTHING. Anyone else in the class messed up and they'd be taught a lesson but me he'd just say "I'd yell at you too but you already took it out on yourself" or something like that, smile and maybe pat me on the shoulder and send me back to work.

Yes, self forgiveness is difficult, especially if we've had a lot of imprints from externalities telling us we suck, or whatever. We internalise that harsh, cruel, unforgiving voice.

The internal nagging can be a good thing, it can drive you to do better, but I think it's better to find that motivation in a more agreeable way.

One thing you can do, is when you notice yourself being overly hard on yourself, counter it by remembering something good you've done, something worthwhile and valuable. Ask yourself if are being unrealistic about your capabilities. Examine the truth value of that voice.

Maybe the technical teacher is giving you a clue as to why you do it. If you are the one who criticises yourself most harshly, then that can almost act to shield you from the criticism of others.

I was quite strong when I was younger. But I started having doubts as an adult and I thought I should do everything to perfection. Not that I do like ever, but... I had the feeling I really should. And when I couldn't, I thought I didn't try hard enough. I thought others just tried harder. Maybe they do. At least they studied more in school. It took me ages to understand I wasn't lazy. And even longer to realize other people cut themselves a lot of slack. Like "Oops I missed that", or "I was worth taking a day off and just eating candy". I still can't believe people do that. Even if I don't live up to it, I expect the best from me. It's like I still think I can do it.

I think in a way that kind of scolding at least for me is a way to try to motivate or punish myself the way other treated me. They usually treated me like I put no effort in things. When I was a kid I was almost told, You can do it, but you don't try. But for me just trying was hard. I think I never understood how much energy I put into things.

It's probably very common for undiagnosed (and probably the Dx'ed) AS folk to feel like this, as we experience a lot of failure by the standards of the NT world.

I never did it to avoid criticism or anything. I just never felt like I should lie to myself. I'll say it flat out I suck at ____. Maybe sometimes I exaggerate because when I just destroyed a $40+ cutting tool or 4 days of work but I just always feel like I should only give myself the credit I've earned.

As far as I'm concerned I've never done anything significant in my life. I'm just one of 90 billion insignificant people doing nothing but insignificant things. How I'm supposed to take that and make myself feel better IDK.

I punish myself, every time that I mess up. Some one wou correct me, for a mistake, and I take it one farther, and beat myself up, because my parents always got on my case, every time I did something wrong, like I wasn't allowed to be human. That's why 'Such A Shame' by The Kinks, are one of my favourite songs.

Yes, its a bad habit that I think comes from the way our AS parents treat us as opposed to the AS itself. We tend to go down the "I'm too stupid to do that", "I'm too ugly to find a GF", and "I'm really an idiot for not realizing that" road. In some ways its a good thing in that it encourages us to try harder the next time, but in cases where doing better is not realistic, it can be detrimental as it encourages us to give up. Honestly, I think that overall, it does more harm than good.

Downing myself again right now. Damn, I spent the last 4 hours WAITING to test my car after making some minor modifications and I back it out of the garage to bleed the coolant lines and sure enough one of my lines had a tear in it from working on late last night. Like seriously why couldn't I have seen that sooner? That way when my mom got up....nvm she couldn't have done anything, the auto parts store doesn't open till 9. Maybe I need to grab her bike and head over that way in few....but I'm so tired. I won't feel right though if my car isn't running and then I won't sleep well.

I really picked a good day to make this topic

Moog, your first reply was sublime, your second right on the money. Undiagnosed AS as a child, literally mentally deSTROYed myself internally, largely because of an ability to detect subtle dislikes and the negative imprints of others when they did not act/respond how I thought they would/should have done, combined with low self-esteem and difficulty "fitting in."

It took me 33 years, therapy, and a 12-step program (as a result of various addictive behaviors I adopted to counter this self-loathing) to get me to start liking/accepting myself.

In answer to your original question, Piston, I would give an enthusiastic affirmative!

Likewise - Mum was always on my case for the tiniest little thing.....e.g. looking too greedy while eating biscuits.....so I grew up to do the same thing to myself. I didn't even know I was putting myself down to other people until a girl took an interest in me and told me I shouldn't.....I couldn't even understand what she was talking about at first. It never feels like self-flagellation at the time, but I guess that's what it is.

I think people do grow out of it though, to some extent, but I think it can take a long time. It starts with realising what's happened, then on a good day I might see what I'm doing in time to switch tracks. I'm lucky that my dad would say things to boost my confidence, so I already had some idea of what the antidote-thoughts were like. I used to have a self-image that swung wildly between the two extremes of arrogance and self-loathing, which I guess was down to my parents' words (just as mum was extremely negative, dad would take his praise too far, and suggest I was superior). So for me it's been a matter of looking for a realistic middle ground between the extremes. I think I'm getting there, though it'll probably never be complete.

I agree, before I was dx'd I was convinced I was stupid and defective because things for me seemed to always turn out so different than for everyone else. Constantly failing where everyone else is succeeding is hell on self-esteem and leads one to be very self-deprecating, combined with everyone around you making you feel like an idiot for failing at things that come easy to them. I'm still getting used to the realisation that certain things aren't my fault.

Sometimes I do this. I am my own worst enemy.