NTs here and in other forums...sigh...

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OK, it seems that as ASPIES most of us are pretty direct...so needless to say, I ask a question on another forum and NTs just freak, get offended, oh my! What is wrong with people? If you don't want questions asked, don't have a forum...if you do want questions asked, and you want answers to your questions, expect the truth...sigh...

So, it bothers me that going to other places I find this constantly...but then I come here and it seems that in the "Parent's" forum there are some NT moms (mostly, some dads too) that just freak if they ask a question and you answer them honestly...Can they not instead find an NT forum to ask their questions? I hardly ever see any Aspies here fight over stupid stuff or not liking someone's answer, but I have stopped posting there because last time a woman asked for people's opinions, she ended up offended when I gave her my opinion...which by the way, I still believe I am correct and not only do I feel that way, but most psychologists and even child welfare people and family law judges would tell her she is WRONG in what she is doing...

Is it just me having these issues? How do you deal with it? Also, shouldn't there be some guidelines or terms of acceptance here that if you don't want honest answers, keep out? This is intended as an ASPIE forum and the more NTs that come here, again, especially to the parent's forum the worse it gets...it becomes a little "click" everyone gets offended game...

I just ignore their reactions and think they need to deal with it. I try and answer nice as possible with my responses than being a dick. I try and see their side too and respond. I don't usually respond to parents posts because I have nothing to give even though I think aspies here can be more nice with their responses than harsh because I don't see how it's logical to get all defensive and attack the parent acting like they are being the bad guy because all it's going to do is teach them we're bad people and unsympathetic and they will remain with the ignorance about us and the stereotypes.

I have seen aspies getting upset too with honest answers because they have difficulty accepting cricism and yes we can argue over stupid things too. I have seen it like the time I saw an argument between two aspies here arguing over a name tag regarding an autism video when I saw it should have ended a long time ago since they both have their own opinion and point of view about the situation in the video and they are not going to agree but no they kept it going.

I thought there were at least four cliques in Wrong Planet already.

I think this forum is mostly very civi. People here tend to engage the topic rather than the person, which I find refreshing. I have noticed though that there tends to be a different style to the posts of NTs and Aspies. I don't mean this to be a criticism and I hesitate to say it -- but I will . I have found that sometimes some NTs have more of a tendency to be smarmy, that is, all nicey-nice but not-very-subtly condescending when they don't agree with someone, whereas Aspies are more direct and less likely to personalize a difference of opinion.

I think she was talking about in the past and that one thread DW a Mom cleaned out.

Ok. I have missed alot of threads. There are too many posts to even begin reading them all.

And get the unique perspective our AS members can provide? Actually, no. And they need that information if they want to truly understand their child.

Many of our members have gotten comfortable using a different approach when they visit the parenting board so that they can talk effectively to our parents, and I have been so grateful to those members. It's all about the goal. What information do you want the parents to have as they try to raise their AS children? Ours, or that of the curabies? But, there are stylistic/cultural divides that exist between how most AS think and talk, and how most parents do. Someone who wants to get the right information to the parents does have to take the time to learn how those parents think and react, or they might send them off running. In the interest of the kids, we want to avoid that.

Over time, most of the parents come to understand how the membership thinks and acts, and they get comfortable posting outside of parenting, where they most definitely are expected to play by "your" rules, and not the ones from the NT world. They know that, but by that time they've gotten used to the style differences and know not to overreact. I think it's wonderful; I tell parents, "if you can't talk successfully with our membership, how do you expect to talk successfully with your child?" Worth learning to do, absolutely.

But, first they've got to cross the bridge.

I know it's an uncomfortable relationship at times for our community, but I have seen such wonderful things happen in many of our parenting families. If you care about the kids they are raising, and don't want those kids to have the same issues with their parents that you had, it's worth it, making that uncomfortable relationship work.

Good question, though. And I hope my answer made some sense.

Thanks for your comments...honestly, I do see where this forum for parents is a way for us to help THE KIDS more than anything and for that, you are all correct that they won't find that elsewhere...her post however was dealing with her ex-husband...seems he was an ASPIE and basically she was trying to keep her kid away from him, etc...of course, she found some great excuses to do so and just wanted us to tell her "we understood"...PS - the ex was not abusive, it was truly not even related to autism, but more in a take a kid away from bio-dad and new wife situation...and having others tell her that was a good idea...she as putting things into the kid's head...sigh...So I guess that's what ticked me off more than anything...it wasn't even about the kid or how to make the kid feel better, because all the recommendations people gave for the kid she IGNORED...it was just about her and the ex...sigh...

Sorry, it really ticked me off and I just haven't even posted there anymore...I know that some ex-wives are using a father's AS or Autism or ADD, ADHD to keep their kids away from them for no other reason than they think they are "ret*d"...yes, I hate that word too...I heard it over and over again in a forum for 2nd wives as they referred to the autistic or add or ocd kids..and I finally left there because I could not believe these women were so pathetic...

Then I come here and find yet another 2nd wife trying to take the kid away from the dad because he was ASPIE, but of course, she made up every "excuse" why it was ok and didn't want to hear anything except "good for you great NT mommy"...whom again, I believe, was truly damaging the kid by speaking badly of the father and attempting to make her kid afraid of him or not want to be with him...

This is exactly what I thought when I first came to WP. It really stood out for me that Aspies in general just say it how they see it rather than considering how the answer would be received.

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Agree 100% with your comments.

At one time I was under the impression that one could be honest with all NT moms/all NT dads but I found out that some NTs will almost automatically reject honest answers, even try to censor honest responses to questions asked.

Generally speaking, the worst forums I've found to post to are ADHD forums.

Some of the best answers to some questions have come from Epilepsy forums.

Generally speaking, WP is a great place to post to (my view).

There are no perfect forums available from my experience. Wish there were but there are not (my view).

Even the best forums occasionally are spammed or hecklers are able to sign up and post messages.

Bottomline, you're so right: some NTs (not all NTs) may ask for feedback/honest answers but then they publicly reject the feedback/try to censor it. Today I no longer automatically respect all messages from parents - including moms and dads - due to exactly what you're writing about - some of these parents reject honest answers from posters. I've seen some parents reject honest answers and even, in some cases, to misrepresent what the answer actually was and then pass their misquote (false witnessing) on to other groups/other persons.

In some cases, there's very little one can do since once a fib/a lie is released, that fib/lie can travel around the world like feathers from a pillowcase.

Some of these non-listening parents do a lot of damage and don't care (my view).

You're not alone.

My approach is to stop doing business so to speak with persons who reject honest answers to questions.

At a message board, I would tend to simply not post to that person's questions or answers - simply ignore them as being unreliable and not interested in the truth so to speak.

It's very unlikely some of these people will ever change so it's a waste of time trying to change them (my view).

It's easier to simply skip over the posts and go on to posts where you feel a sense of integrity vs a sense of heckling/censorship.

I've learned my lesson, not to post, in such threads. Of course, I'm going to post stupid things, in such threads, so it's best that this rebel stays away from them.

I see what you mean. I think this forum ir pretyt civil for the most part and I don't think many Aspies here give rude answers or make rude comments intentionally. Perhaps people should be warned if they are easily offended.

The directness is definitely something I appreciate about this forum, you just can't get the same kind of answers on other forums that you get here and WP is much less cliquey than many other forums IMO.

I think some, especially parents and spouses, come here looking for support and commiseration which is probably what they'd get on NT boards - instead they typically get logical answers and solutions to their problems and that's not what they're looking for so they get upset, then everyone gets upset with them because it appears that they're acting irrationally and it kills the dialogue. I don't necessarily think it's bad - it's good to have your point of view challenged from time to time. Also, I think it's good that NT people get the AS perspective on things - it might not sink in immediately, but it's the best kind of awareness, in my opinion.

Of course some come here with an agenda or a gripe - they tend to be a minority and tend to leave after they've gotten their 15 minutes of attention.

As an NT parent of a child on the spectrum, I truly do value the opinions of the AS adults here at WP. That is the thing that keeps me here. Talking to only NT parents would not give me the perspective that I need to get into my child's mind and understand him better. I am grateful to those of you that do take the time to post in the Parents forum. It is not really something that you are obligated to do, but I find it tremendously helpful. I do realize sometimes when the post comes across a little blunt, but I have read about AS, and I understand that. I take that into consideration when reading the replies. I have also found from WP that people with AS are very interesting people, and I enjoy reading and participating in other threads and try to give an NT perspective on things when I can.

I think that NT's that get offended may not really want to know the truth. As League Girl stated, I think everyone here gets into disputes, whether they are NT or AS! Please keep posting in the Parenting Forum, we need you!

Maybe it's just because my memory develops with many gaping holes, but I don't remember any recent posters that seemed to be trying to steal kids from ex's. The thread I most recently saw conflict in did not have that factor; it did, however, involve a child living with foster parents instead of the birth parents, and a mother concerned that potentially incorrect diagnosis were being developed and pursued outside of her control.

One thing about "honest" answers is to always be sure they are useful. The NT social rule is to hold back potentially upsetting truths if nothing positive will be gained by sharing them. So, when an NT reads something and develops an opinion, the next step is to filter what they would say through "what will the OP do if they get this information" (although, of course, when any person gets moody they might decide the don't care about the social rule). As an example, I'll use a phrase I've read quite a bit, "you don't care what the child wants, you only care what you want." Telling a person this is usually inaccurate and unlikely to achieve anything but anger. I know that is the truth to the Aspie, but it isn't the truth to the parent, and even if it were, there isn't a single practical element to it that can be effectively acted upon. Thus, if the NT social rule had been applied, the statement would never be voiced (and if it were voiced by an NT, it would often be a deliberate act of verbal abuse).

I have to admit, particularly since she isn't ever likely to see this post, that the mom who was asking about her child in foster care way overreacted and went on the attack herself. Her post was worse than the post that made her mad. I don't fault anyone for responding negatively to her; my goal when I cleaned it up and moved it was to see if we can rescue any EFFECTIVENESS from the thread, out of concern for the child whose foster parents were planning to start medication, theoretically "for" the AS.

Oh I didn't see those posts. Those might have maken me mad too if I read them. Just as long as the dad is good to the kid and takes good care of them, he shouldn't not have rights to see his child. But however if the dad was neglectful because his routines and obsessions were more important than his child and he refused to bond with the child, then that would be thge reason to take the kid away from the dad.