Clueless Close Friends

Post Reply New Topic

First of all, my wife has volunteered for family weekends for a non-profit that provided mini-vacations for families with a child on the spectrum. She was required to take a crash course on the in's and out's of Autism and Asperger's. I studied Psychology in college, during which we touched on these subjects. My point is, some life experiences and education have provided us with familiarity of the Autism and Asperger's. My wife and I have friends that have a 3yo girl (Vicky) that shows many of the signs of Autism. Our dilemma is this, On the 10th of September, Vicky will go for her 3 year check up. At that time, her physician will ask her all of the questions about vocabulary, behavior, and such. I am afraid that Vicky's condition will go undiagnosed.
We, collectively, have two friends that each have children on the spectrum. One says confront the parents, one says don't.
My question is this, how can we lead the parents towards having Vicky evaluated for autism? My wife fears being the "bad guy", but we both know that the clock is ticking for Vicky. We ARE willing to sacrifice our friendship with the parents for the benefit of getting Vicky the help she needs, but we'd rather not.

Looking for some guidance.

I'm not sure why you feel "the clock is ticking for Vicky" Is something terrible going to happen to her if she is not diagnosed? If she has some level of autism, she's got it for life. Yes, if her parents work with her to help her cope with some of the difficulties that come with autism, she might grow up with less pain and suffering, but it's not like it can be cured if caught before a certain time.

A diagnosis is only useful if it actually helps the person. Some people may be diagnosed with a condition and never get any value from that diagnosis. Why is the diagnosis specifically so important at this point in time?

Also be careful of being too quick to pin a diagnosis on this kid. You've studied psychology and your wife got a crash course on dealing with autistic children; you have some familiarity with the subject, but are you capable of making an expert diagnosis? As you should know from studying psychology, there is a tendency to look at the world through the filter of your current experiences. It's summed up in the statement; "To the man with a hammer, everything looks like a nail." Vicky might just be a shy kid and demanding that her parents put a lable on her could cause more damage than good.

I recognize that you mean well and it is quite possible that you are correct in seeing a possible problem in this kid. But the key statement you make that makes me question your understanding of the situation or your motives is where you say you are willing to sacrifice your friendship with the parents for the sake of the child. Isn't this kind of making a mountain out of a mole hill?

Talk to the parents. Say you've noticed things in the kid that look like autism and ask what her parents think. Unless the parents are criminally neglecting their children, it is really up to them to decide what should be done.

I guess the problem I see here is that you are setting your self up as the expert and if Vicky's parents don't agree, you are willing to do things that go far enough to destroy a friendhip. Take this a step or two further and it sounds like you would advocate kidnapping Vicky "for her own good." It sounds to me like you have already made the diagnosis and anyone who disagrees with you must inherently be wrong.

Here are a couple of basic rules you need to understand:

Vicky's parents, not you, have the responsibility to make the choices that they feel are best for their child. It is possible that her parents already have a far better understanding of the situation than you do.

Simply knowing a thing or two about autism does not make you sufficiently expert to override her parent's choices for her. As an intelligent adult, it might be a good idea to provide a list of evidence to her parents and explain why you feel she might benefit from a diagnosis, but beyond that, you have no authority.

You seem to care very much about this child and that is a credit to you, but you must be absolutely certain that your motivations are in favor of the child and not simply to prove yourself to be an expert on autism.

I have never wanted to be SO wrong about anything in my life, thus ending my "expert" status in the field of autism. Hopefully that answers any questions or statements that you've mentioned about my general grandstanding for lack of a better term. Don't worry, no offense taken. But, I am afraid I am right. Maybe I misunderstood the perceived importance of diagnosing and treating Autism as early as possible? Our friends that have children that have been diagnosed both agreed, from experience, the earlier the treatment, the better. These are the same people that said "if you are the one to point out that Vicky has several quirky behaviors that align with Autism, you need to be prepared to lose that friendship." Again, I am only going on what I have been told by parents of autistic children. If there is no benefit to early treatment, then we will most certainly let this situation play out. My motivation is three-fold. 1) I want what is best for Vicky. 2) Vicky doesnt sleep.....in turn, neither do her parents...that can't go on for much longer before somebody 'pops'. 3) I am watching my wife struggle with watching her close friend search for answers while we see the (apparent) big picture. I know that the parents would do everything they could help Vicky. They have the means.

Thanks for that response. It reassures me a great deal. To be honest, I found myself growing more and more angry as I wrote the above post, and I'm sorry if I got a bit harsh. It sounds like you do have a balanced view of the situation and I feel much better.

I understand where Vicky's parents might get defensive if the issue of autism is brought up. In my experience, these issues are best handled by asking questions of the parents.

In an unrelated example, as part of a writer's group, I would read and criticize other people's work. At first I had a habit of saying things like "This character doesn't make sense" or "I think the plot needs to go in another direction." Over time I learned to pose my criticism in the form of questions with the expectation that an intelligent writer would find their own good solution to the problem. I might instead say "What would happen if the plot when in direction x?" or "Why does the character do this?"

Most writers will defend their points of view, sometimes too jealously, when someone comes in and appears to be trying to take control. But if the criticism is posed as a question that asks the writer to make the solution their own, but perhaps with a new perspective, they are often far more willing and far more creative in their choices.

My feeling is that your situation might best be handled in this manner. Prepare your evidence and your arguments. It may not be valuable to insist on any one point of view, but instead treat it as a situation where all people involved can come together to find the best approach to take. This is probably a situation that cannot be solved in a single conversation, but may take months or even years of comments and suggestions as the parents get their heads around the concept. Remember that if you lose the friendship in trying to help the kid, you will lose all ability to help. Your best approach is to take is slow and gentle.

It might be easier on the parents (and easier to make your point) if you make sure to refer to it as Asperger's syndrome rather than the more frightening suggestion of autism.

I agree; dealing with the problem early will be best for the kid. Obviously the extremity of her behavior should influence how much treatment might be applied. But also remember that many people have become adults with no psychological treatment whatsoever and still have had effective, productive lives.

In the end, you have to defer to the parents. It also is important to remember that even if she is autistic and is not diagnosed immediately, it's not the end of the world. Frankly a diagnosis doesn't matter in the slightest if she is being raised in a way that helps her cope with the difficulties of being autistic. I think her parents will be most responsive to your comments if you always approach it from the direction that they have the final say and all you can do is to offer your point of view.

Good luck

As a parent of an autistic son, I would approach this with caution. Maybe you could encourage Vicky's parents to enroll her in a pre-k program. The teachers there would likely pick up on this and be the ones to address her parents. Or you could point out to the parents that not sleeping very much at 3 yrs old is not normal or healthy, and maybe they should seek the opinion of a developmental pediatrician. In my experience, the regular pediatricians aren't always that knowledgable about autism.

Since you do not want to lose the friendship, and you also have knowledge of autism, you may be great supports for these friends if indeed the child does have autism. Just try to engage with the child when you can. You are right, the sooner the intervention the better the prognosis for increased development. But, sometimes the parents have to come to terms with this in their own way and time.

ABA is dog training for humans. It has only limited application for autistics. There are many better ways to teach.

Since she doesn't sleep (does that mean she sleeps five or less hours a night? Three or less? Or that she just has a really messed up sleep cycle?), I'm willing to bet that both she and her parents are having difficulties that need to be addressed. If you are going to talk to her parents, I think the best thing to do is not necessarily to push an autism diagnosis, but to recommend they talk to the doctor about her when she has her check-up. If she has other problems that she is dealing with right now, such as having difficulty communicating, her parents should mention that to the doctor too. She may not be autistic; she may be having some other problem. It may be best not to prejudice her parents in favor of one diagnosis over another, in case a misdiagnosis occurs.

One more thing--I've found that melatonin helps me sleep; and the research seems to show that it's quite safe and effective for jet lag in a good percentage of the population; there are also some limited positive results for sleep disorders in autistics. If I were giving the kid's parents advice, I'd get them to ask their doctor about it. It's over the counter, but the child is three years old and giving OTC stuff to a kid that young should be run by a doctor first.

Vicky is enrolled in a VPK program at a local church, in the same class as my daughter. Yesterday I overheard the "teacher" say to Vicky's mother, "she's doing fine". The mother seemed disappointed with the answer. Vicky's mother and father are now not speaking much, according to the mother.

I wasn't in ABA, and I've turned out, fine. If I ever have kids, they're not taking it, either. ABA seems unatural to me.

Other than issues with sleep, what symptoms have you expecting that Vicky has Autism?
Some ideas you can follow to disprove the likelihood of Autism.

- Become familiar with the difference between tantrums and meltdowns
(One has an underlying objective, the other is uncontrolled, unbidden)
- Discover if there are there arguements between Vicky and Parents in regards to performance.
(Asked to do something, Vicky fails to do it, or fails to do it correctly)
- Become familiar with the difference between excitement and 'handflapping'.

Are Vicky's parents suspicious that she has something "different' about her?
Have they asked her why she doesn't sleep right? What is her answer?

Also note that I was only made aware of Autism/Aspergers recently, and I am an adult. So there was no safety net or support for me growing up; mind you I could have benefitted from the knowledge and support that might have been available, but I might also have fallen victim to all the "pop-psychology cures" that STILL abound to this day. As an adult I can appropriately pick and choose what 'assistance' I shall pursue.

At three years old, I doubt a diagnosis is going to make a great deal of difference unless there are severe issues between parent and child (beyond mere sleeping difficulties.).

Surprisingly, many doctors are thorough in their exams, and with the rate of autism today, they may just catch it on their own in the screenings.