I dont know what to do

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My whole life I've always felt like the black sheep, ugly duckling, oddball, however you wanna put it. I dont really remember much of my childhood cause I kinda blocked most of it out. I recall a number of events that will forever haunt me, but otherwise, unless someone else brings a time up I really can't access it. I dont know if I have AS, but its becoming more plausible day by day(I've only been looking into it for about 2 weeks maybe?). I do fit a lot of the diagnostic criteria but I fit a lot of criteria for many things. Maybe you all can help me in my journey to finding peace.

I've always had a hard time controlling my major emotions(ie anger, depression, anxiety) all though with time I have gotten a little better.

I've never really been able to walk straight and its not an issue of symmetry.(for instance if I start on the left side of a hall I'll end up more towards the right side and vice versa)

When I was younger(Im 21 now) I had a stutter which has pretty much gone away. I still use the wrong words from what I mean.(Ill be thinking one thing and say something close to the word I wanted sometimes not even real words.)

I can conversate with people but I lack the ability to start them usually. I always feel as if Im butting in or talking at people rather then to. I talk louder than most people because I have a problem with people talking over me. I also kinda speak with a lazy tongue(sounds like I slur my words together with my overall speed of speech)

I've always been pretty good at writing but never really started to write creativly until after highschool. I was overwhelmed with emotions and thoughts so I started writing them out and they just kinda came out poeticly. I mean I know the basics of poetry schemes but I've never really understood meter and things like that. Its almost become what you might call an obsession now because in the last 2 years I've written over 800 poems.(I'll post some of them and let you all decide if Im any good)

Im horrible about taking care of myself. Its not that I dont know how, or that Im incapable of it, I just can't make myself. I come off very lazy because I procrastinate with a lot of things. I barely clean my room because even though I can't stand it being dirty, I cant get myself to keep it clean.

I do have traits of echolalia(I repeat things I say, things others say, I have an amazing memory for movies and music, but little for my own needs)

Im definitly not a social person, I usually spend most of my time at home, playing video games or watching tv/movies. I dont like talking to people because I feel I dominate conversations to a point where people dont want to talk back really. I also hate silence so it gets at me when Im conversating with people and they dont talk for like a minute so I start talking again.

Meanwhile, with my hate for silence, also comes a sensitivity to sound as well as movement. When I hear things that dont seem in the right place they distract my attention. Chaotic loud noises startle me to the point of almost having anxiety attacks. If I dont expect a movement or something flying at me I get kinda freaked.

I dont know if it would count as a seizure or not but I have spasms of body parts like my arms or legs where they tighten and loosen quickly causeing them to shake, like a jolt of electricity. I also see what seems to be a starry night at times like a bunch of little flashes together in my view which confuse me and combine with a bout of light headedness.

Because of all this and past events, I have very few friends that I talk to. I dont call people cause I hate the phone. I dont use it unless I need to know something and that person is unattainable in any other fashion.

I have been told I come off cold and intimidating because of my posture and i have a problem with my gaze. Its not that I can't make eye contact but that I make too much and people look at me funny when they notice it. I have a way of walking tall yet leaning forward instead of back so that it almost looks like Im hunched over.

My focus is so bad that right now Im at work and i know I have work to do but I can't maintain my will to finish things sometimes unless someone is pretty much on top of me saying this needs to get done.

The worst part about all of this..... I joined the military because it was believed I just needed a lil discipline, direction. It turns out because of that I have a more disciplined mind to stick to myself more and hold my thoughts and beliefs with more conviction. I dont think Im a bad guy, I do genuinly care what other people think, I just can't force myself to care enough. I think I am fine the way I am and people just can't understand that. They feel that because I am this way I should be ostracized.

I've never been diagnosed with anything but I often believed I would have been diagnosed with ADD because of my ability to not focus on somethings and other things absorb my attention.

I dont know how to tell one of my supervisors I think something is wrong because Ive never been good at asking for help or guidance. I've pretty much learned life on my own and while most NT are able to do that, I've had many struggles along the way to learning how to mask most of my problems. I live in a shell because I dont feel the world could ever fully appreciate and understand someone like me.

welcome to wrongplanet, Emoal6.

Seems like you display some symptoms of AS. I hope you enjoy your time here, and that you find some answers. I'm not very good at asking for help and guidance myself, but have found a lot of support in these forums. Hope you find the same.

Yeah, I'll second that. Even if you don't actually have an Autism Spectrum "disorder", some of the same stuff that works for us could make life easier for you. Stick around; you'll learn something.

I saw on another post an online test for asperger's traits. Now I dont usually trust these kind of tests cause they seem like anyone could guess thier way towards a certain side. Thing is, I took it seriously and it gave me like a 150 to 90 aspie to normal ratio.(took it like 3 days ago) I do believe that I might have aspergers but by this time in life Ive learned a lot of things, mainly coping and masking skills. I do have the intelligence to know when not to say certain things(due to past experiences) and I know that I stare so I try to avert my eyes as soon as possible. I have learned some communication skills so I am a little more comfortable with strangers but I know Im no where near the potential I could have with out my inhabitions and past. I think knowing these traits somewhat changes how people view me tho. If I didnt know these things, I would easily be diagnosed because I wouldnt mask anything, but because I know about some of my differences, I've trained myself to mask them. Sometimes I dont even know what the real me would do, only the person Ive become. I wonder how people are going to respond when I tell them why Im different. I've told a few people I trust and they kinda laugh it off. They tell me I just have a few problems. The real problem is that I dont have any childhood friends anymore. The longest friendship I have still is from freshman/soph in highschool. Thats only five years and Ive lived in 5 different cities and environments so people dont know how I was before I moved from here to there and so on. Its coming more clear to me that only I really know whats wrong with me because no one has ever really known me.