Parental denial of me being on the autism spectrum

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Hi everyone!

I'm needing advice from both parents who have been there & adolescents / adults who have parents in this situation:

Background
I was diagnosed with PPD-NOS in June and I told my mom last month. Initially she accepted that I have some autistic traits that she chalks up to me being malnourished before birth & for the first two years after birth before being adopted as well as early deprivation in an orphanage. Both of these scenerios probably did contribute to my issues, but I still had issues even after early intense intervention.

Current situation:
I told my mom that I'm seeing a counselor to work on social skills & interview skills. I also told her that my friends who suggested I get the autism spectrum evaluation done were helping me too. Unfortunately, she thinks that I am starting to find my identity as someone with autism or Aspergers (even though I don't meet the diagnostic criteria for both). I dug a bit into her brain during this conversation to see if she directly observed me saying things to indicate that I viewed myself as having either disorder. She couldn't think of any, so I think 90% of it comes from her own worrying (which she does a lot).

She keeps on insisting that I'm normal save for the fact that my early experiences caused me some brain damage. She told me yesterday that I wouldn't have been able to get an advanced degree if I truly did have Autism. I almost told her to try and tell that to Dr. Grandin, but I decided strongly against saying that...

Why this bothers me:
God, for some reason, allowed me to have a brain that is on the autism spectrum. My identity doesn't come first from it, but yet it shapes how I do operate as a Christian, as a working individual, as a roommate, etc. Out of all the people in the world, I wish my mom could understand that it is called a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (even though PPD-NOS means no one has put a nice name to it) for this very reason. I understand that parents go through a grieving process when their children have a disability, so I want to know how I can help her (to the best that I can), but what also I can do to cope with her denial also.

All I can say is that you should try to not make her see it as a disorder. Do mention Dr. Grandin, look up other people who have graduated with that kind of degree that have Autism too. They say a lot of professors actually are on the spectrum. I'm on the spectrum myself and that never kept me from taking college level classes in Jr. and Sr. High. It never kept me from doing work above and beyond what my teachers were capable of in some subjects. It won't prevent me from getting a doctorate myself. Why would it prevent you from getting an advanced degree? It sounds like she just doesn't have an understanding of autism.

Well, my parents hid my DX from me, which caused me a lot of struggle in the later HS years. Also, I have ADHD and am unmedicated, so I've struggled quite a bit with schooling. I'm more than capable, sure, but I just caint focus enough to get it done. Hopefully that will all change here soon.

As for telling your mum, I'd just ignore it. I don't see why she should have to concern herself with something that cannot be changed. If she was willing to accept it, sure, talk to her, see if she won't work with you. But I've found that people with those misconceptions are often a detriment to you actually getting anything done with your life. Just be happy with yourself that you have the answer, and know your limits. You'll do fine.

Knowing my DX didn't help me any except let me know that I wasn't just some screwup. I'm a person, I have my failings, many of which I cannot control. But looking back at school, without knowing what I know now, I don't think I could have done any better. And I'm satisfied with that. Not like my dad wants to listen to me anyway, his new wife is some sort of failed shrink psychology student who thinks she knows everything there is to know about the DSM. Never mind she didn't know it's being rewritten.

Lets just say you aren't alone. My family members didn't accept it at first either. The only reason my mother came around is because my stepfather brought me up with his shrink, who felt (thirdhand from my stepfather's reporting) that I was likely right.

I don't believe anything will sway my father, and my sister keeps telling me 'not to identify (myself) as such' ... So, yeah. You aren't alone.

My mom is still in denial. I'll mention something that is characteristic that I used to do as a kid and her response is "I know lots of kids who did that." or "all kids do that, that's really common." I try and make her aware that you can't see these symptoms (not a great word, but can't think of a better one) in a vacuum and that it is a sum total of things that my therapist saw to render the diagnosis. I think she might wonder if she did something or missed something (although given my age, gender and relatively high level of functioning is unlikely--and I've explained that). Not sure. Since I'm adopted, there isn't a family history to go off of so I can't point to cousins or whatever and say--See! She blames all my issues on me "being stubborn" and "being smart".

So, OP, you're not alone. I remember that she's not in my brain and can't experience what I am seeing, feeling, thinking and hearing. Hopefully our moms will come around.

Howdy neighbor A couple of suggestions for you: 1) patience...adjustments take time; 2) compassion...people are resistant to change; 3) perhaps you could watch a movie on the subject together and then talk about it afterwards (e.g., Adam, Temple Grandin); 4) you could give her a book on the subject as a gift; and 5) keep the lines of communication open. Good luck!

Hey everyone!

Thanks for the advice! Will take your suggestions & see what happens