"He Likes You"...

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Today I went to group therapy. I'm the only Aspie there--a lot of the others have been on drugs and/or have psychological problems--but there's one guy in the group who seems to be an interesting person. He's not quite NT, though he's not Aspie either; but he does have social difficulties. I had a conversation with him today and found out he is a gamer, like me, though he likes MMORPGs, and I like pen-and-paper games; also, we're both in our twenties and have never dated anybody, though he wants to date (I don't).

So I thought this was just a casual conversation; but afterwards one of the other men in the group approached me and told me that he thought the guy I found interesting "Liked" me (capital L should mean romantic love; he placed an emphasis on "like"). But I'm not sure whether that's so. He said the guy's eyes were "riveted on me"... doesn't that just mean he was interested in what I was saying? Of course I listened to him most of the time; he was telling me about his guild on Everquest and all I did was just ask questions.

How can I tell if what the second man said is true--that this guy "Likes" me? I didn't catch anything of the sort; but then I'm usually oblivious anyway. And if he does like me--how can I tell him I'm not interested in dating--anyone--without making it look like I'm yet another girl rejecting him? I'd like to be friends; he seems interesting, and he could probably use a friend, as he is just as socially isolated as I am.

But if he thinks I am interested in him romantically, it could become very sticky. I'm asexual; but so many people don't understand that doesn't mean that you hate the opposite gender, or that you "just haven't met the right one yet", or that you hate human contact in general. All it means is that you don't want to have sex--no more.

I don't want to hurt him by sending the wrong signals... but I'm about as adept at sending signals as a 2-year-old is with spoken language; and the signals of romance seem to be the equivalent of a nonverbal Shakespeare!

I could say: "I'm asexual and don't want to date anyone right now. But I would like to be friends." But even this could be hurtful--especially if his friend was wrong and he is not, in fact, romantically interested in me.

I'm feeling very muddled about this whole situation right now. Does anyone have advice?

He never told you he liked you so you shouldn't assume anything imho.

You could try telling him that you feel relaxed in his company as you don’t feel he is trying to hit on you like other men do. That you enjoy being able to have a plutonic type of acquaintance / friendship with someone of the opposite gender as you miss out on communicating with men as you are asexual and it puts men off talking to you as a person.

( you don’t need to mention the asexual bit if you think he might think that naff)

He may still be a little upset but hopefully it will warn him not to put himself in a position where he will be turned down, or you in a position where you might agree to go out with him so not to hurt him.

I'd be tempted to say are you sure you aren't talking about me, and ask if you're someone I know, but that's just outright impossible.

Mostly because I don't go to any groups like that (or play everquest )


I'll tell you what I'd like to hear in a situation like that (if it comes). Flat out not interested in anything romantic. You like the guy, but as a friend. And not to take it personally because you are Asexual.

I was in a situation awhile back where a woman said she was interested, but she just ended up leading me on. I developed some feelings during that process. Eventually I decided that I need some closure on it and pushed the issue. Unsurprisingly, I was rejected.

You don't have to be a jerk. Just be clear. It's more cruel to lead someone on then to say you aren't interested.


Again. All of that only applies if this comes up in the future. I wouldn't recomend just going up and seemingly randomly saying all that, as that seems like it would do nothing good self esteem wise.

Keep on being friends with him. Mention you like being friends with him. Even say it's like having another brother. If he runs in the opposite direction, you've nipped a bad situation in the bud. If he seems relieved, you've found a friend. If he hangs around and keeps on, which may be likely, you have a hard choice to make. For a joke, I'd show up in a "Gay-Straight Coalition" button just for laughs and to see what he'd do, because people don't believe in asexuality, or they think it's a condition God has sent them here to cure, but if they jump to an erroneous conclusion that you;re gay (hey! You never lied to him!) they'll accept that.

Just take it up casually, embedded in a conversation. Perhaps if he asks you if you have a significant other, just say, "No I'm not very interested in romantic relationships.". Something like that would even make me get the point without being hurtful.

Callista, why does being asexual mean you cannot date? I cannot see a correlation between the two. It seems to me like you're associating "dating" with "having sex", when there is nothing stopping you from trying to have a "romantic" relationship without the sex component. My own advice would be not to take any action unless he directly intimates that he has said inclinations, but by all means go ahead and try to be friends. You can worry about it when and if he presses the issue, but at the moment you only have his friend's say-so, which itself might be wrong. Preempting the issue and taking preventative measures will only complicate matters and in all likelihood any friendship you might have with him would be started on a bad note. There is no need for you to worry about it until he raises it as an issue, upon which you can then let him know where you stand.

I agree, but only provided that you tell the other person upfront. Most people will assume that dating will eventually lead to sex (if the dating continues for long enough). It would be misleading the person if you do not tell them upfront that there will never be sex. You could also make a person feel hurt if you developed a relationship with them over a period of time, without telling them upfront that you are asexual. To avoid hurt, it should be known by the other person from the beginning.

I agree with one of the aforementioned opinions. Don't say or do anything different unless he makes a move himself. Although the other guy may have been approaching you for him, you never know. The other guy could just be taking shots in the dark too.

There's no such thing as a lesbian...only a woman that hasn't met Chuck Norris.

Ha! Hilarious!

On a serious note, I agree with the others and think that you should tell him upfront. That way you can pursue strictly a friendship with this person. If you don't tell him, my guess is that he'll assume that you like him too and it'll be a lot harder for him to be your friend after he has developed some real feelings for you, if he can even be your friend after that. It might be too painful.

Be upfront, let him know. If he is as isolated as you say he is, he'll probably welcome a strictly platonic relationship with you, even if he was interested in you romantically first. Also, I don't think that there is a way to tell if he likes you without asking him, especially if he has some autistic qualities, so I wouldn't try to guess that one on your own.

A lot of people who are asexual would prefer not to pursue the sort of exclusive relationship that dating requires... Unless I am dating another asexual person, I would prefer to be friends rather than date; because otherwise the guy I'm with would have unfulfilled desires, and that could get frustrating for both of us. I'd rather watch a guy friend be happily married than watch him want a relationship that wouldn't be possible. Of course, I'd also insist on being the weird aunt that spoils their children.

Oh my god, lol. Does everyone actually believe that it's not possible to have a platonic friendship without telling the other person you don't want to have sex with them? Of course he should assume she likes him, that's the whole premise of being friends. But being asexual, she probably couldn't lead him on in that way if she tried. Just forget entirely what the guy said. It means nothing, and only causes your views to be biased towards a preemptive preventative strike.
Consider it from the view of a person who is not asexual, but would nevertheless not have sex with the guy and yet wanted to be friends. How would this change the scenario? How would she start a friendship? She would never tell him that she would never sleep with him. So long as she doesn't lead him on, why should he have a problem if she doesn't like him romantically?
Personally, I think the view that you should tell are biased from personal experiences as "nice guys", wanting someone who didn't want you back. What you have to realize, is that relationships DON'T work like that, and that is why you've had the "nice guy" experience in the first place! The "nice guy" experience only happens when you try to be "nice and sensitive" in order that they might like you like that, when you're not "nice and sensitive" by nature. You think acting like that is how to get women to like you, so you do. It's got absolutely nothing to do with Callista's situation. Her sexuality does not change anything, and does not mean she has to tell people her sexuality so they can be friends with her. Telling him will not stop him developing feelings for her at any rate, if he would get attracted to her if she weren't. Just forget about it, and develop the friendship as you would normally.