unsure of what to think about diagnoses.

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I don't know where to begin so ill just start. My whole life has a been a living nightmare and up until i read this NLD thing i was not sure what to think. Can i attribute it to this, i do not know, but it makes a lot of sense to me. I don't know whether or not i have NLD, but it fits my profile in many ways. As a child i had the anger in the home, the anxiety in school. I was always exceptional with reading/writing and language. I loved to talk to adults and they loved to talk to me. When i hit high school, my first memory was being unable to do math. ( my first memory that might show nld) I just could not get it for the life of me, i still think i could learn it, but with extreme effort. My directional skills are crap, i failed land navigation 3 times in the army, still cannot read a map and can't remember street names or anything, only by location. Which means if i am in a place i haven't been to at least 30 times i won't know anything, and will need the gps. I have anhedonia like mad, nothing interests me at all except for video games EVERY NOW AND THEN and Kung Fu. I obsess over kung fu, its in every thought in my mind all the time, i was training everyday for like 8 hours until i over trained and injured myself, now i write this from the bed. I also can't form proper sentences in writing, if i see a word i can pronounce it no problem, i can't spell it half the time and i can never organize all my thoughts into one paragraph. Whenever i get to the top of a stair case or escalator, its like my whole world becomes off balance and i have to focus really hard like i am first learning how to walk down the stairs or step on the escalator. I developed severe social anxiety and anxiety in general, i am always a worry thinker. Whenever people talk to me, its just boring generally, and i tune them out un-interested, at the same time i provide appropriate responses and the such. I want friends and enjoy my interaction with them...somewhat but generally i don't care till i am overly lonely. I am overly kind and always share my life story with everyone, which causes weird looks and viewing of me. Anything i am uninterested in a i can't function with, i cannot sit in a chair for long unless i am playing a video game or reading something i love. I generally hate reading tho, i feel overwhelmed whenever anything changes. Like i have my set routine for working out, and if i don't work out before anything else has to get done i get panic attacks. My coordination is great, but i think i can blame that on playing excessive video games since i was like 8 years old. And i mean excessive, i got too good at games for my own good. I always knew something was different about me, my ex girlfriend used to be unable to caress me at times due to me feeling pain or annoyance instead of pleasure. I mean even on the arm or a hug felt weird. I always complain of itchy shirts and get random pains and body sensations. In the army i heard things on the hearing test that are above normal human range. Excellent eye sight, extreme tactile senses. even my intuition is weird, i get a very odd sensation in my stomach that has saved me from well over 10 incidents of getting in real bad trouble with police. I always stopped what i was doing and left because of the feeling, only to find that the people that stayed got caught. Everything i read really points toward nld or Asperger's. Its so varied that i do not know, we are special and have different personalities, i do know that, and i do know at this point to nurture my strengths and perseverance and try try try till i die. But seeing nld has given me a slight hope in a weird way, i thought i was going crazy, could i possibly have this?
thanks for reading my extremely long, probably poorly written paragraph about SOME of my life. I excluded many parts including my drug use, which i know is not the problem because i have stopped using and still experience the same thing.

Avoid the NLD community at all cost. You can get what you need if you stick with us, probably. But if you have anything to do with them they'll utterly destroy you.

Wow, I'm intrigued! Care to say a little more?

i mean no offense, i am confused by the statement. Do you think its possible i have nld tho? or Asperger's, i only have two interests, one i feel i have to complete, its like a burning desire, that everyday i can't do it i cry and get very anxious. I have just been hurting for so long and feel like i am crazy. If this was it then i could at least rest with a conclusion. And what do you mean by the nld guys? do they have a seperate forum in which they make you feel inadequate? i can't believe i spelled that right.

its not a doctor's diagnoses but simply my own. You don't have to say yes or no, just if you think it sounds like something you experience or maybe another might experience similarly. I will tell you, i tried the army, plumbing, everything i could, and it was all too overwhelming and none of it i could stick with or complete

Hi Chuninabun.

Yes, I identify with a lot of what you describe. It may be Aspergers and I have read that there is a close association between NLD and Aspergers. Wikipedia says a little bit about this. I'm no expert and have read very little about NLD. You should hang around a read more here and see if it resonates with you. There is a thread here with a series of online tests and quizzes you can take to help gauge your Aspie traits too.

Aspie Tests Thread

I'm sorry your difficulties are having such deeply negative experience on your life. I know how that feels. What I'm certain of is that everything you described above will be understood here and people will be sympathetic, even if we don't always quite know what to say to help.

my views on mental disorders might have been skewed a bit. Don't think of it as hate tho, oh far from it, incredible empathy, since i apparently had things ranging from social anxiety generalized anxiety, depression, anhedonia, and add. I know especially from my martial arts experience, you cannot judge thing's based on any one elses opinion but your own. There for going to 1 or 2 doctors wouldn't cut it, you have to form your own opinion from many sources. Doctors were 1 of the reasons for my drug use, only one of course, the other being me. I will stick around, it is interesting, it feels peaceful to know some of this, i have found many strengths in myself and will capitalize as much as i can, as well as the constant suffering. I left out about 2 or 3 paragraphs, on the internet i like to talk my .. off.

You might want to get yourself tested but I think you probably have Asperger's, your kung fu and some other things may be ascribed interests that differentiate it from NLD. NLD is not yet in the Diagnostic Statistical Manual of the APA, either. Meaning its not a "real" diagnosis for The Powers That Be.

I have many ascribed interests and perseverations in my life. I also tend to focus alot on small, trivial details and can drive myself mad about them. Years ago i had no idea what that is, now days i can just notice it and rationalize it away as just the way i am. Otherwise, i fit the NLD description perfectly. I'm horrible at math, but i started talking at 6 months, whole words.

You mention sharing your life story. For some people ,well, they are just so shallow that they cannot handle this level of intimacy. Boundary issues can be a problem with PDD conditions, and neurotypical individuals can be creeped out by this, unsure how to respond. I've had it happen so i know where you are comming from. I'm a fairly open person but its not always appreciated.

Last edited by Daedelus1138 on 29 Oct 2010, 4:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

just read that last paragraph. I thought that was a signature or something. Thanks, there is nothing anyone can really do to help other then to know that there are others who aren't quite usual Even if only a temporary relief of the mind. I have done a lot so even tho thing's hurt, at the end of my life i eventually have righted my wrongs and lived as best i can. That is all that matters, living correctly ensures that no matter what faith you follow you will either die having lived the best you can or obtained something threw perseverance or any other divine thing you can think of.

yea i am working to overcome that lol. I just have to keep my mouth shut sometimes.

yes i usually ration away my crazy as well lol. However the anhedonia piece makes it VERY hard to do anything other then what i like.

i have this weird thing sometimes where i feel like i am walking weird and other notice. so i try to adjust my posture, sometimes i feel awkward standing very upright. I have a lot of weird quirks ya know, but everyone does how much can we attribute to this. I will surely see a professional about this. Is it a disorder or am i just a screw up? that is what i feel like, is everything i do controlled by my own will power. is the reason i can't sit still for a class under my control? Are my lack of interests and boredom with everything related to something else, i used substances which kill your endorphins. I have also had a lot of clean time, and honestly, i didn't notice much of a difference. I still seem to have the same anxieties even when i take my old drug of choice, so i do not think that could be it. I drank and smoked at about age 13-15 or so, i got involved with that crowd after being kicked out of school. I believe i bought grass and i got robbed in the bathroom, when i got to the principle i broke down and said i would come back and shoot everyone. Now i wouldn't do that, i am too kind for that lol, but it got me sent to a terrible school in a hospital that combined young kids with teenage kids who did things like that. I would not doubt that mary jane contributed a bit to my issues in the past. I still use it, but this time in a different light, i use it to stay sane and anxiety free in a type of anxiety that i don't think even people with GAD or SAD feel. Besides mary jane helped me get off of something far worse, and personally i think addiction is a symptom not a cause, so i have a different view of clean, that and ssri's are intolerable. Persistent, 24 hours a day 7 days a week i feel this anxiety unless my mind is completely occupied with something i enjoy. If i do not enjoy it, i can sometimes stand to do it, but it takes a great amount of effort. And of course sometimes i just get into something, space out and do whatever it is without a thought in the world. The minute whatever it is that occupied my mind is boring or no longer fun, a new video game takes about 1 hour before it is completely useless to me now, the anxiety once again ensues. I have to switch from one activity to the next to keep myself sane, even my love for kung fu is sometimes hard to get into. I do it tho not because it is fun but because it saves me emotionally. It is a crutch, drugs don't work for me anymore for relieving the symptoms much, i replaced them with kung fu . Now i am trying to get a job too, hopefully some of my time will be taken up by that. But my experience is usually very socially anxious, probably give off the wrong signals all over the place and a job never lasts. Whether i get fired or quit because pressure bogs me down. Pressure.....going to a doctors appointment is my version of medium stress. I get stressed if i am slightly tired or, i don't know how to describe it. I guess its like i am a little kid who cannot handle any responsibility. Everything i do must be for pleasure, i feel very self centered, and maybe i am.

reason i am typing all of this of course is to see your thoughts. Gage how much of the same crap i deal with you do etc etc...thank you again.

I can identify with this too. Apparently many people with AS have trouble with their gait.



I'm not qualified to make a judgement but I must say you don't come across as someone who is willfully selfish or who is just a "screw up". You seem very conscientious in your attempts to undrstand, handle and conquer your problems. Don't be so hard on yourself, even if others have been.

Again, this is just an opinion, just my impression, but you certainly do seem like you are struggling with what you call a "disorder" and a lot of what you say is very familiar to me. Often things get clouded and complicated by hopelessness and depression and drug use (as a way to cope) but as you say, I think such things are more likely symptoms rather than a cause. Certainly, what you describe seems to have been present from the beginning. I do think you should do lots of research and compare notes more with people here and take it from there. Understanding yourself and how you mind works and why it works as it does will no doubt help you to feel more at home with yourself and help others around you to understand you and it will help you strategize to use your strengths - which you clearly have - to their best advantage and to minimize areas of weakness. It sounds like Kung Fu is a saviour for you and you couldn't really get a more healthy special interest. I had desperately wanted to take Kung Fu lessons when I was a teen but never had the courage. I wish I had. I think it would have made a lot of positive difference in many ways.

yea the exercise makes me more outgoing, for around 2 hours. Then it fades lol. and what is gait? if it will get in the way of kung fu that might suck.

yea just looked it up, everyone has similar things to me lol. I toe walk definitely when i have no shoes. And maybe even with shoes a little bit, could explain why on all of my hiking adventures my big toe kept getting screwed up. Most coordination i am pretty good with tho, so i am not too worried. Balance always needs to be worked on, regardless of person..generally. Strength, i seem to gain muscle mass quite well, as far as lean muscle mass. I feel as though i cannot get big for the life of me, not that i want bulky muscles anyway.