When and how did you learn to cope?

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I've mention before how my family gets to me etc. I just read posts on here from others saying they don't talk about there interest as much or suggest I talk to my family less and less. I'm just shocked how you can not let stuff get to you! How did you do this? I guess after years of being put down etc. You go "numb" (as I'd like to call it) and say who gives a s**t! You'll focus on your interest no matter what parents say or something to that effect. You don't let things get you down or get to you! Just WOW! I applaud each of you that are able to do this. I guess I just haven't been hurt enough to go numb yet (Although I'd say at times I'm close). Outside of life experiences how did you learn to deal or cope with the negativeness around you? (I know moving out would help me and I agree 100% with that view BTW) Thanks.

If part of the equation in AS is indifference and non-empathy, then I can understand exactly how people appear to 'not let it get to them' as you put it.

There are plenty of folk in the spectrum who struggle with families throughout their life, who never go numb. It doesn't sound particularly appealing personally. I'm 39 and I got lucky, my family like my weirdness; it wasn't till I was in my 30's and moved to another town that i realised that not everyone is cool with people who don't fit in.
Mind blindness and lack of empathy doesn't mean you don't care: it means it's not available to you, no matter how hard you try. I'm very distressed that I don't understand people, and have spent a lot of my life trying to work out those issues.
There may be other things going on here: like extroversion/introversion personality issues. You care about how people affect you enough to raise it in the forum, which to me sounds like an extroverted personality. This doesn't mean you're the life of the party, it means that you define yourself in terms of your social interactions rather than your personal goal setting & achievements. Similarly being an introvert doesn't necessarily make you antisocial it just means that your social interactions/ relationships aren't a big cause for concern. Take it or leave it sort of. This sounds like the type of people who don't really care if their family like them or not.
Try getting positive feedback to counteract some of the negativity; other Aspies who share similar traits if you aren't feeling particularly accepted etc. Once you see yourself as on a different part of the same bell curve the negativity starts to look more and more like insecurity and you can detach from it emotionally and deal with it more effectively...

For me, it has been a life long process. At fifty years now, I'm still learning, adjusting, and realizing I'm not as good at some things as I began to think, especially when it comes to family relations. During my recent DX process, my psychologist contacted my father, who is now 73, to speak to him about my childhood behaviors as well as current observations from him. Some of what he reported as current were a little shocking to me. He told her stuff about NOW I have been completely oblivious to. Some of it felt a little hurtful but at least I know now, and what he did relate did help with finally getting a DX so I can't really fault him for being honest.

The truth is, I get on his nerves, and now I know it's hard for him to deal with me even today. Somebody asked some questions recently here about lying, and I said I don't like to be lied to no matter what the truth is. And that is true. Sometimes the truth might be hurtful, but if he had lied about anything to her, I may have learned about it eventually, and that would hurt even more. Plus, I may not have received any diagnosis at all, so I'm more glad he told the truth than I am hurt.

The whole process of coping has been hard. When it came to coping with family though, I found the one thing that turned out to be most helpful was moving out of the house. Over time, dealing with my parents became easier due to distance and less frequently needing to deal with them. I left home at around 24. Things got much easier for the next several years. At one point though, I moved back in with my father for a couple of years at around age thirty-three. After about six months, we slid right back into the old hard to deal with relationship we'd had before when I was younger. Thank goodness for both of us I only stayed with him for about a year, then moved out, and have not lived with him since. Still, even after that, there have been a few "incidents" during visits with my wife and kids when we misunderstood each other in a really bad way and it led to some difficult moments that had to be cleared up through letters to him. He actually admitted being wrong more than once, as did I.

We get along better now than we ever have, but we still have our moments. At least we both know now that the faults run both ways. And, we both know that we both know.

It's a growing process that I believe never ends. I believe no one is really a true adult until one realizes there is no such thing as a "grown up." No one ever stops growing.

There comes a point in your life of an awareness that you're beating a dead horse with people, as they can see what they want to see- it's a choice on their part.
If someone can't give someone enough latitude on something, then they are 'tight boxed thinkers' and hence one dimensional - parents or otherwise...... blame your local culture.


Aren't people generally squeezed into a "tight box" around them? Don't they do what their neighbors do and imbibe on the same stale dogmas at their given locality? Imagine if your folks or my folks were transplanted / or raised in a certain part of Indian culture, wouldn't they wrap their mouths up to prevent an insect from entering in them and stopping the reincarnation process? If you didn't do the same wouldn't you be ostracized by the community?

Either you are going do what is natural for you, or you are going to do what others think is appropriate for you to do.
The former takes courage and the latter is something that I have never done as I don't want to be wrapped in cellophane.
The latter is a protection because they feel anything outside of the ordinary is detrimental to you from a community standpoint.
Better jobs for you if you are a clone, for one.

What isn't cool Zelda is that of your age here and yet your folks still reign on you.

Perspective is what they need as I still don't think there is respect shown by them to you. I've seen it here in other posts.

They don't view you as an equal.

Last edited by Mdyar on 22 Oct 2010, 11:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I didn't cope...I escaped. Fortunately I escaped into books, which don't carry the physical addiction or legal consequences of some other escapes. After a couple of hours spent with a better grade of acqaintance, I could return refreshed to my real life. And reading had the side benefit of making me appear smart and successful in school, so any eccentricities were seen as childish quirks that would soon be outgrown. Finally, in the course of my reading I discovered that no one, no matter how rich and/or famous, has led a totally happy life, so maybe mine wasn't so bad after all.

Well, I am still learning to cope.

But - thing is - a close look at my wife and another woman in our inner circle, shutting out is verey hard for them. Evidence is on average [and yes there are all kinds exceptions] the female of the species has a harder time shutting out the social vibes, the male a harder time picking them up.

Biggest things are really getting out of range and focussing on any people in your circle you can talk to.

April 23, 2014

What happens is you just get depressed, not numb
How do I cope with negativity? By not being around negative people. If they are going to be like that, I make myself scarce and go do my own thing.

I've moved out and I'm now free to be who I really am. I also don't talk about my interests so much around my family, when I'm with them. I try to talk about a variety of things when I'm off WP and interacting in real life.

A little every day.

"Numb" is a harsh way to try to live and often leads to depression. No matter what we do we will always feel. Learning to accept rather than react is the battle.

Think about the Buddhist saying, "When a glass breaks, we don't get angry because the glass is broken, we get angry because we thought the glass would never break." Then think about why you react the way you do.

What a familiar story. Well said. I escaped into books as well, and it was seen as a good thing, so I was never harassed for it.

Another heavy book user here, do we have a 12 step programme?

Add me to the list, Moog - it's interesting, I didn't know so many people did this.

I am still learnng to cope at 40. I reckon I will continue learning thoughout life.

I have tried various things. Exercise (obsessively), drugs, reading, learning, computing, music, only going out with a small number of people and trying to fit in.

On the whole I think that whenever I concentrate on myself and my intelectual abilities I don't suffer stress.

Leaving home was a big and very helpful step to me. It made me independant and so more responsible for myself. Also studying gave me a huge amount of confidence because I realised I was not as stupid as everyone else assumed.

When I was born.