What would you do? Regulating emotions

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This might be similar to another post I made recently but I wanted to say it in a different way.

disclaimer: i know this is long. but ... at least skim it, pretty please?

Please just tell me what you think should have happened regarding this scenario that befell me this afternoon.

I go grocery shopping with my dad. I warn him in the car on the way there that I may have trouble with the store because they use some really foul smelling cleaning products. I ask him if I can go to the grocery store across the street. He says no, he's not feeling well and wants me to help him. I say ok. I go in the store. I smell the odor I am scared of but decide to give it a try. I feel it getting to me after about ten minutes. Only a few items left though so I keep going. After about 20 min I'm about ready to drop. I have huge chemical sensitivity issues and am becoming completely overwhelmed with smell.

Find my dad, tell him i need to leave, but first i hav to help him put the groceries on the conveyor belt.

We get home. I feel like i will be ok if i go relax but first i need to take the bags in for my dad. i dont feel like i will make it but want to try . I get a few bags, bring em into the kitchen, start crying. Bring a fewm ore bags in and start crying again.

So, I am standing in the kitchen holding on to the counter top for dear life, sobbing. When my parents ask what's wrong, I tell them I can't get the smell of the grocery store cleaning agent out of my nose.

If you were the parent, what would you have done at this point? FYI I am a 22 y/o female. I just want to know. I want some perspective here.

Because here's what happened.

Standing in kitchen, crying, sobbing . Dad and stepmom just looking at me, staring . Makes it a million times worse. Have no idea what theyre thinking and their stares are boring a hole into my head . Makes me cry much harder.

my dad speaks finally "well if its really bad go stand out in the rain and it'll get out that way"

No one is offering a hint of sympathy , at least that i can tell
all my life my mom yelled at me when i was crying - so for them to stand there not saying anything makes me very nervous

I decide to try to go get more bags from car, try to finish. Come back, and trip over something, which makes me start crying again, harder

stepmom says "Kate, I cant understand why you're so upset"

I tell her

"well then i'll just get the bags out of the car"

no sympathy. i am dying for sympathy at this point

I am used to being alone. I am used to isolation. I am used to finding solutions for myself. I knew damned well that to make myself feel better i should go outside. I was just trying to get the bags in first. And I hit overload before I could. At that point all I wanted was some kind of acknowledgement, support. But the harder I cry the more they ignore me. I am such a pitiful mess at this point. Coughing, crying, gasping, nose running, rocking back and forth. I'm sitting on the floor of the kitchen, mere feet away from them, and they talk about what they're having for dinner tonight like nothing's happening. What would it have cost them to acknowledge me and my pain? To put a hand on my shoulder, a hug, a "I'm sorry," or a "Oh, really? That happened again? Yuck," any kind of acknowledgement? Would it have taken thirty seconds or a whole MINUTE?

I don't need their solutions. I lived at college for four years. I can take care of myself, for the most part. But I have lived all my life emotionally alone. I just wanted someone to show me they cared.

All my life I have been alone in this way. All through school I would walk the hallways crying and no one ever asked me what's wrong. My mom yelled at me when I cried. All of my life people have ignored me when I am in pain. I don't know why this is. I have become adept at soothing myself over the years, but finally living in a household with two parents who love me and are perfectly able to show me they love me when they want to for the first time in my life, and they hold back the one thing that I want more than anything in the world: simple , verbal or obvious acknowledgements that they understand and care when something is difficult for me.

Is this too much to ask?

A "friend" I talked to after said that I couldn't expect it. Said I was too old for that [I'm 22]. That my parents are too busy for it.

Too old and too busy for a thirty second display of "yeah, I get it, you're hurting" in the moment? Too old for love?

I would hate to think that anybody would ever get too old for love.

Same "friend" said that my parents expressed their love in many different ways for me and I should be glad for that. I am glad for that. They do a ton for me.

But why can't they do the one thing that is more important to me than anything in the world, the one thing I have never had in my life? I don't understand what would hold them back. I have told them explicitly, please dont give me suggestions, just tell me you understand. My stepmom said she would. Obviously, she forgot. And I didnt want to cause another major argument by reminding her.

But please tell me if I am out of line here! I don't think I'm asking for something huge! My whole 'temper tantrum" could have been cut short in two minutes if they only had shown me they understood. Otherwise I am lost in my feelings of pain and isolation and loneliness, and they just reinforce it by standing there and staring at me. Telling me "that's too bad" does NOT reinforce me -- it helps support me!! Am i the only person that can see this very simple logic? or is my brain really more different from others than i thought it was?

And let me ask you this:

a) is it wrong for a 22 year old to want a great deal of explicit emotional support?

b) is it wrong for a 6 year old to want a hug when she falls and skins her knee? Isn't this part of teaching the kid emotional regulation or something like that? I havent read much on the subject but I am sure comforting hurt kids teaches them that they are loveable, that people can understand their emotional states, that they have some place safe to fall, that people will help them and care about them. As they get older they internalize these messages and no longer need them quite so explicitly.

c) Is it wrong to comfort a 22 year old who never learned these messages in childhood?
What if, when the 22 year old was a kid and she slipped on the ice, fell and hurt herself and cried out as every kid in the world almost would do, she was yelled at and berated for being so weak as to cry?
What if every time she cried about anything the response was yelling?
What if every time the girl tried to share anything of an emotional nature, or any negative emotions or feelings, the response was of impatience on the other person's part, of being pushed away, of anger, or of being shamed for feeling that way,
of being told she shouldn't feel that way?

And what if that girl learned that the number one rule in life to survive was to never share anything of an emotional nature, to never share the experience of being hurt with anyone? If the girl learned to keep it inside, to soothe herself, to replace emotional connection with food and music?

What if, after keeping the world out for twenty something years, the girl is forced back into a situation where she is living intimately with her dad and stepmom , and after years of being independent, is suddenly living in a place where she cant walk or drive anyplace on her own, cant even interact with anyone else, and is dependent on her parents for her every need? And what if this time, the parents do many things to show that they love her and that it is safe to be open with them, and the girl believes them, and desperately needs someone to help her navigate what has become a rather nightmarish kind of life, seeing as she has no way to get her needs met herself?

And, believing them, believing that it is okay to rely on another person and open yourself up to them after so long of not doing so, she sets herself up to get hurt again and again.

Uncomfortable things happen and she wants sympathy. She has lost all of her other coping tools when she moved here. She is stranded. The only thing she has left is her parents' emotional support. But she can't get it. All her life, she has cried and nobody ever cared. This time, she thought it would be different.

She feels terribly guilty for doing something so crass as asking her parents to show their support. But still, they agree to do it. But then they don't. She is told by the rest of the world that she is 22 and needs to grow up. But she doesn't understand why in a loving family emotions like this can't be expressed explicitly.
She can't read the nonverbal signals on the face.

**

I'm going to drive myself insane trying so desperately to get people to tell me they understand. but i feel so emotionally shut out and drowning if they dont, and so good when they do. can anyone relate? why do you think i have such a desperate need to be understood? do i have a right to expect this at least from close friends and family?

and if the world is so messed up that your answer is no, you have to learn to live without it, then how much of my soul and myself will i have to lose before i finally learn to accept the world on its terms and conform to what society wants?

Thanks.
Kate

There is nothing wrong with wanting or needing emotional support. The problem though is that you can not control other people to give you what you want. I have come to the idea that certain reactions confuse and frighten people so they may not know what to say. Some people don't think sensory overloads or things like chemical sensitivites are even real. I know for a long time I felt like I was just a weak person until a professional validated that what I was experiencing was physical and not just me being incapable. So - perhaps trying to provide them with information about multiple chemical sensitivites if they are willing to listen may help. I don't really know what to say about all the interpersonal family issues - but maybe giving them some information may be a place to start.

I can sympathize with what you're going through, because I have gotten into similar circumstances, though for a variety of different reasons, over the years. I can get to the point where I just don't care anymore about what may happen, and I will do what I feel is best regardless. If it means pissing someone off or hurting their feelings, so be it.

I don't know if this is the most appropriate way to handle these sorts of things, but I kind of don't care if my own feelings are not acknowledged. I sometimes say that I take what many people say to me with a grain of salt, and I sort of express myself in such a way as that would be the truth, but internally ... I can be really screwed up. I have been known to throw up an offbeat sense of humor to cover up how I truly feel, thus making everyone feel like I'm this happy person with a lot of humor, when I'm really struggling to keep myself in control.

How do I handle it? I either withdraw or blame everyone else. Doing it in a more socially appropriate way requires an emotional connection I don't seem to have. I can't rationally think things out during conflicts, for example. I do things through writing, for example. I look to this support group or the AS group I currently attend. I'll listen to a lot of music. I'll escape the situation. I can do a lot of things, but the problem is that all these problems are always there when I come back, so it seems as though a lot of it never ends.

- Ray M -

I can relate. I feel as if all my life I've been shouted at by my mum to stop crying..
However, I'm trying to bear in mind the fact that if my parents are aspies too, then my crying will make them as uncomfortable as I get when people around me start crying. Therefore mum and dad will mirror my reactions to other people crying, that is to say they are likely to just sit there and stare at me, not knowing what to do, 'cos that is what I tend to do when people break down. Or they will be thinking "for god's sake shut up". They may even say this, because this is always my gut reaction when people around me get upset.
Yeah, it used to really wind me up and it kills me to think that we can never have the emotional connection that other families seem to have, but I am trying to be positive and accepting about it. I would like my parents to be accepting of my condition and the way it affects my behaviour. So I have to try to accept their behaviour too, and bear in mind that they can't help it any more than I can. They are unaware that we have A.S. in the family at the moment, and it's the hardest decision of my life deciding whether to keep it that way. After all, this is the way things have been for generations in my family, who am I to shatter the illusion?

At the age of 22 your parents should be well aware of the fact you have sensory sensitivities, so it's just appalling that they'd be so insensitive to your needs. Unless they don't know about them? In that case, your behaviour would seem very weird and their reaction would have been excusable. Are they aware of your sensory sensitivity?

Hi viv, I am sorry you are having such a bad time with emotional issues. Since you asked for advice I will try to provide some that I hope will help in the future.

Your long post dealt first with a practical matter; your inability to tolerate the smell in the grocery store while you helped your Dad shop. Rather than drive yourself to the point of sensory overload, next time ask the store manager or customer service manager for whatever assistance you may need. Most stores do this sort of thing for customers on a regular basis. You could even call ahead and ask for whatever assistance you need. However that seems to be incidental to the bulk of your post, which dealt more with your need for love and support expressed in a particular way.

Whether this need is "wrong", childish, inappropriate or completely justified is not the issue. What is the issue is that your repeated attempts to have this need met (through crying, meltdowns and demands) are not working, but exacerbating already unpleasant, emotionally-charged situations, for others as well as for you. You stated "all my life I have been ignored when I cried"; doesn't that suggest that you'll be ignored the next time you cry, too?

Please bear in mind that your parents have their own needs and concerns. You mentioned that your Dad needed your help because he wasn't feeling well; perhaps he is worried about his health. Your stepmom may have desperately needed a quiet and peaceful afternoon herself.

My point is that everyone has needs, desires, hopes and fears that are not necessarily wrong; but continually looking to other people to fill them is going to result in a whole lot of frustration and disappointment. Your parents seem to have conclusively and repeatedly demonstrated that they are unwilling or unable to provide the emotional support that you want from them.

I hope you can find another area of interest that will be some compensation for what appears to you now as a huge lack in your life.

I would like to end with a quote that has been helpful to me in the past, when I've experienced distress over/disappointment in the actions of others. It is from Frank Herbert's Dune series:

"To endure oneself may be the hardest task in the universe. You cannot hire a wise man or any other intellect to solve it for you. There's no writ of inquest or calling of witness to provide answers. No servant or disciple can dress the wound. You dress it yourself or continue bleeding for all to see."

Have your parents read anything about your sensitivity problem? If not, would they read about it if you provided them with some literature on the subject? After all, this is not your fault. My parents were a bit tough on me if I cried. I think some of them mistakenly think that if they show sympathy, that it will encourage more crying. But everyone needs a shoulder to cry on sometmes, even NTs.

Thanks for all your replies , i appreciate them
yes my parents know of my AS and sensitivities
my stepmom was the one who first described my smell problems to me as "chemical sensitivities," actually
and my dad has many of the same issues

the thing is, i am not by any long stretch crying to get attention
i would never do something as manipulative as that. '
i was crying becauyse the situation overwhelmed me. i just happened to be in the kitchen at the time
all my life i have cried at the drop of the hat in every situation and i have learned to stop being embarassed about it for the most part and stop trying to control it
if i am alone and something upsets me and i cry then i just get it out of my system for a few min and i am fine
but if i am unfortunate enoughj to be with oher people whe nit happens and they just stare at me and dont say anything it feels awful and makes me feel isolated and unlovable and all kinds of awful things and pretty soon whatever i was upset about pales in comparison with the incredible isolation i feel crying in front of a human stone wall and i usually cant stop until they make some kind of caring gesture so i can see they are not hating me as much as i fear lol

at college it was MUCH EASIER to avoid people , didnt have this problem as much

my parents do try a lot, they do care. i need to say that. the yjust dont show it sometimes

Kate

Hi Kate,
First of all, I want to say that I am sorry that your parents do not know how to give you the emotional support that you need. Everybody wants their feelings/experiences to be acknowledged. I think that is just universal. When people don't do that, it is very unnerving.

I know I keep mentioning this class I'm taking, but it's based on a book called Parenting from the Inside Out by D Segal, and it talks about emotional connections and how to develop them. It's really written for parents, but I learned so much about myself and my relationship with my own parents. I find it to be very healing.

I swear I am not involved in any way in the sales of this book. It is just that it has had such an impact on my life, the way I understand my relationships, and the way I relate to loved ones in my life. I also find it very relavent to AS issues.

Anyway, a lot of us on here do relate to what you are saying about the sensitivities, and I also relate to the crying. My dad used to call me Happy as a child because I was always, always crying and he wished that I would just be happy.

yeah i think my dad wishes the same thing. thanks for the reccomendation! daniel segal wrote some other book abou the brai n
someoen reccomended to me i think, i should look into it.
Kate