My father is trying to "cure" my aspergers

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SunshineRecorder
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28 Oct 2010, 1:47 pm

Every time I make a social error, every time I can't work under pressure, every time I panic about something, he goes off on long winding rants on how I "will never be able to function" if I continue the way I am. The thing is I really dont notice these things, and its really upsetting because it feels as if I am making the same mistakes over and over again, for example:

Ill talk out of context, then ill get shouted at for it
Then the next day, without realizing it, I will do it again, then he'll get really angry with me.

He keeps saying that because im an intelligent person, I should be able to handle these things
but the problem is I simply cannot. I love my dad to bits, hes a really good person and I know he only means well what hes doing, but how do I convince him that he can't "force" me into being an NT?

Ive been reduced to tears many times due to what he is doing to me on a daily basis. Then he says that I keep doing it just because im lazy and I dont want to change; if I could act normal I would, but he doesn't get it



wavefreak58
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28 Oct 2010, 1:53 pm

Flood him with information. The more technical and erudite the better. Blow his mind by expounding at length on Theory of Mind, executive functioning, face blindness, the theories on the purposes of stimming, sensory overload, etc etc.

He's smart. Make him use brain.



Maolcolm
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28 Oct 2010, 1:54 pm

Tell him, with all due respect, to educate himself before he foolishly attempts to "educate" you.

He needs to do some research.



daspie
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28 Oct 2010, 2:43 pm

I think your father is really concerned about you and he is deperate since he appreciate that how weak we are socially. I believe we have a social mind of a 2-3 year old kid. What you can do is learn local language rules from this thread whose link you can find in my signatures and discuss them with your father as you will find them very strange and unbelievable as most aspies did here.
The other aspect to socializing is empathy or mind reading. I am going to post on that aspect. You may want to read that :) .



Moog
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28 Oct 2010, 3:05 pm

SunshineRecorder wrote:
Every time I make a social error, every time I can't work under pressure, every time I panic about something, he goes off on long winding rants on how I "will never be able to function" if I continue the way I am. The thing is I really dont notice these things, and its really upsetting because it feels as if I am making the same mistakes over and over again, for example:

Ill talk out of context, then ill get shouted at for it
Then the next day, without realizing it, I will do it again, then he'll get really angry with me.

He keeps saying that because im an intelligent person, I should be able to handle these things
but the problem is I simply cannot. I love my dad to bits, hes a really good person and I know he only means well what hes doing, but how do I convince him that he can't "force" me into being an NT?

Ive been reduced to tears many times due to what he is doing to me on a daily basis. Then he says that I keep doing it just because im lazy and I dont want to change; if I could act normal I would, but he doesn't get it


He probably cares about you a lot, and is upset and worried that you're not going to 'make it' in the 'real world'. Many people when faced with something upsetting will try to force things better.

Tell him that you know he loves you and that he means well and you appreciate it, but his methods aren't working and only make you worse.

I must say, you handle it quite maturely.


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Last edited by Moog on 28 Oct 2010, 3:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

PHISHA51
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28 Oct 2010, 3:06 pm

I had the same issues with my dad sometimes. Even though he gets annoyed with my AS qualties, he nonetheless understands and he told me on the phone once that I should not be ashamed of Aspergers. In his case, he wasn't trying to cure me, but he wanted me to learn how to cope with my problems and be able to learn independently as an healthy adult. I think that's also what your dad is trying to do as well. He was probably getting impatient. That's happens a lot.


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League_Girl
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28 Oct 2010, 3:10 pm

My dad has never tried to cure me. In fact he accepts everything about me but he has said things to me like "You learn as you get older""You keep learning from experience" "Things will get better when you're out of school" "you just have to learn to deal with it" and I know he is right about all this stuff. Back in high school I wouldn't believe it and now I can see he is right.



ProfessorCrow
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28 Oct 2010, 3:13 pm

Show him this thread/website, perhaps? ;)

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leejosepho
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28 Oct 2010, 3:26 pm

SunshineRecorder wrote:
My father is trying to "cure" my aspergers.

Are you sure of that, or does he simply not understand what is really going on and what either can or cannot actually be helpful?

SunshineRecorder wrote:
Every time I make a social error, every time I can't work under pressure, every time I panic about something, he goes off on long winding rants ...

The next time that happens, just listen quietly and eventually let the tears begin to appear ... and then when he is all done, just quietly ask him to please show you how he learned to do whatever it is he has been saying you should have done differently or whatever.

SunshineRecorder wrote:
The thing is I really dont notice these things ...

Ask him how he believes you might be able to learn to watch for the things you seem to miss.

SunshineRecorder wrote:
how do I convince him that he can't "force" me into being an NT?

Are you sure that is what he is actually trying to do?

SunshineRecorder wrote:
Then he says ... im lazy and I dont want to change ...

Asking questions and listening as best you can will show him otherwise.


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28 Oct 2010, 3:32 pm

League_Girl wrote:
My dad has never tried to cure me. In fact he accepts everything about me but he has said things to me like "You learn as you get older""You keep learning from experience" "Things will get better when you're out of school" "you just have to learn to deal with it" and I know he is right about all this stuff. Back in high school I wouldn't believe it and now I can see he is right.

Wow! He sounds like a good coach.

And that combined with talking about social skills when you express a question or interest, and doing so in a matter-of-fact, one- or two-sentence way, can go a long way.



Densaugeo
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28 Oct 2010, 4:55 pm

This story sounds really familiar, except for the part about the dad being a good guy.

If he is anything like mine, he will strongly resist anything that does not fit his preconceived notion of what people should be like.



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28 Oct 2010, 10:13 pm

You should show him this post. Maybe he will clue in.


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29 Oct 2010, 12:30 am

I've heard the "you're so smart you should be able to do x" so many times. It's getting annoying for me to explain why, being that it's hard for me to explain in the beginning why I can't do something.



Dox47
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29 Oct 2010, 1:04 am

If it's an option, see if you can get him to read Look Me In the Eye by John Elder Robison, it does a really good job of depicting a very intelligent person who regardless has extreme difficulties, and also how he learns to deal with them. I found it very helpful to have my family members read it, they've really seemed to relate to me better since.


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Shebakoby
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29 Oct 2010, 1:27 am

My mom wants to fix me and doesn't know how.