Lost Friends

Post Reply New Topic

Hello everyone. I'd like to start by saying I'm a lurker, I havn't posted here in ages even though I browse here on a fairly regular basis. I don't know if I have AS, I'm quite the moaner so its likely its just me trying to find something else to moan about. In any case, I have a question and this is the only real place I can ask it.
I've never had alot of friends growing up, and those I had I was always a third wheel to, someone you put up with because of a sense of pity or misplaced duty. I was always very consious of this and I put it down to the fact that my interests are very different from other people, both in intensity and matter. And also because I have problems talking about the things that interest me (so basically I have nothing to say).
So I figured that when I went to college the whole thing would change. I would be surrounded by people that would be as interested as me and I could finally be around people who were little more than indiferent to my presence. And so it did, I made 8 friends and for someone who was always so contented to be alone, I really really enjoyed being their friends.
My problem is that this year as part of my college course I had to complete a years work experience. And about half way through this it hit me, I was out of the group of friends, completly out. I talked to one of them during the whole year, and that was because he needed help with his college work. Then I realised all along the only reason that they were friendly with me was because I was good at explaining college stuff to them.
Look I know that all of this is due to my own failings. It's my fault that I cannot maintain friendships, I just don't know how. And I can except that people arn't interested in being friends with me for the friendships sake, they need something else to sweeten the deal. I won't say I don't feel a little used, but maybe I have an overly romantised view of friendship - prehaps all it is, is a colition for what we can gain from it.
Anyway enough moaning, what I want to know is what do I do when I go back to college. If they become friendly with me again I can't help but think that is because I'm of use to them again, and I can't be their friend if I'm thinking this in the back of my head. I've been in a pretty misrible state since I lost my friends (it still shocks me how relinant I have become) and I don't want to go through it agin. I don't want to even face them again. I just don't know what to do...

P.S. I know someone is going to suggest that my college friends are not a nice group of people. I know I've painted a fairly grim picture of them. But I would just like to say right now that they are actually really a very very nice bunch. It is my failing and mine alone that the friendship we shared was like it was. So please, nobody insult them - they really don't deserve it...

You are not alone either just thought You should know that too.

Thats something we're all trying to figure it out.

Knasher,

I don't know if this will answer your Q's or not but what you posted echoes things I experienced during my teens and my early 20's. I know we Aspies aren't as adept at discerning true friendships from false ones as NT's and it seems we do have to find out the hard way when another false friend -or pseudo allie comes and goes in our lives.

I too had the experience of having class mates get friendly with me during high school and college but once those were satisfied having gotten what they were looking for, it was as if I didn't count in their lives anyway, just because I was very good at the subject we were in class for. There is a name for that type of student: mark hounds.

When I did catch on to what the mark hounds were doing, I'd then let them copy from a deliberately-made incorrect assignment and when I knew the same were peeking at my paper during exam-writing, I'd deliberately put down wrong answers and continue to write the exam to completion as if I didn't notice. Later, I'd secretly inform the teacher and sometimes got a re-write in a more private setting.

There is something uncannily predatory about some NT's and how they find that vulnerability in Aspies. It's something I've dealt with all of my life and if I had an answer to that one, I'd be the first to share it with the world. From what I read in your post, you seem to be another living example of the social challenges we have to deal with.

I never had that many friends either in my life but the ones I have had have been the best.

Just my 2c worth.

The thing about being friends is that you have to express some sort of interest in the friends besides the main thing that brings you together.

And you have to make the occasional effort to INITIATE contact ie phone them up, send an email. I find with the friendships I can maintain, it doesn't seem to matter what size time gap there is between contact - we're generally pleased to hear from each other when we do catch up.

Sometimes I write down the name of the friend's partner, pet, children etc so I can ask about them, because those things are usually intensely important in the friend's life. If I spend enough time with the friend - I remember these things but if I have long breaks in the friendship - writing it down helps. I usually remember what we did together and stories my friend tells me about his/her family without any trouble. It's just names I forget totally.

So with your college friends, while you were away from college - how much effort did you make to keep in touch? Did you ever call and arrange to catch up? And these things can be a little one sided especially if you have friends that are like you - and feel uncomfortable about initiating contact. It's not like if you stick to taking turns that it will work - sooner or later your turns will get out of whack and you won't call because it is your friend's turn and they won't call because it is your turn and then you've got a dead friendship. Call when you're thinking of them or call when you want to spend time with them, don't worry about turns.

The other thing you have to think about is - if they call you and invite you out and you say no, and this happens more than once - they will likely stop calling. You have to offer an alternate event if you can't make the one they suggest, or you have to initiate something - because most people interpret repeat refusals or knockbacks as complete lack of interest - ie you don't want to be friends. Sometimes I will say - "I can't this time - but please keep asking". If it is your "friends" that keep knocking you back - you may have to ask - "do you want me to stop calling because I'm not feeling good about you being too busy every time I do call".

I don't mind being "used" either. So long as I feel happy and comfortable spending time with my friends I don't care how much they "use" my skills.

Thanks for the feedback everyone, its nice to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way (misery loves company and all that). And thanks for the tips webbegong, if I could just ask one question. Where you advise me to

do you mean this litterly? Cause I know if someone asked me the same thing I'd get all definsive and would convince the other person that this was not the case even if it was, then it would become a rift between us even if I actually did enjoy talking to the person in the first place... I am usually the one to iniate contact with my friends, tho I have one friend who always make the effort to talk to me first but last time I really was busy so I'll have to make sure to get back to him now.
Anyway thanks again everyone