It seems like my symptoms get really strong at certain points and fade away at others. At the worst, I start totally disassociating everything around me. I lose all recognition of emotion and human interpretation of things. I stop recognizing things for their intended purpose or anything like that and start seeing them as pure functions. An example would be looking at a window and just seeing glass, wood, paint, and all its elements without considering its intended purpose. I look at people and see strange creatures with orbs collecting reflected light, collecting and analyzing things in their noses, vibrating their vocal chords at each other and interpreting these vibrations. I totally lose recognition of them as fellow humans. When it gets really bad like this I am basically non-functioning, I just panic all the time and close myself off to the world as a sort of self-preservation. At my best, I can almost totally fake it. I can carry on conversations and crack jokes. I can be very sentimental about very typical human emotions, but this is always a little strange, and a lot of times my reactions are really delayed or inappropriate. I like being alone a lot so that when these emotions come through I am not being confusing to people. When I do feel interaction with the world around me, it can be in a massive wave that overwhelms me. I start feeling this intense and surprising interconnectedness with everyone around me.
03 Nov 2010, 8:40 pm
