If not AS, what else? (Long, sorry.)

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Long time reader, first time poster.

Brief background: I'm a 30-year-old woman, happily married to an NT (well, as long as he doesn't brush against me or interupt my projects I'm happy!) and we have an 11-month-old daughter. I have a 13-year-old birthdaughter (open adoption when I was 17, awesome situation, none of us have any negative issues with it at all) who is profoundly gifted, and was dx'd this year, after years of knowing something was up, with OCD, major depression, severe Social Anxiety, General Anxiety, and Social & Emotional Learning Disability. She had very low-tone as an infant, never cried- like, ever, and was dx'd with agraphia at 6ish. She's still in evaluation for ASD.

Last week, after many talks with my husband, I decided it was time to do something about my issues. We'd like to homeschool, but I'm growing more concerned about my ability to help our kids socialize well, and fear projecting my issues onto them more than your average mom would. My mom is a soup sandwich of psych issues but NT, my dad and his dad are, imo, likely on the spectrum, and I think that's all the family stuff you need to know.

I have been in contact with the outpatient intake woman at Damar in Indianapolis, as I've not had any luck finding someone locally (Fort Wayne) who won't hear about the "trauma" of my childhood and want to talk endlessly about it. (Sure, my childhood was rough, I guess, but I don't have any emotional issues with any of it. Ex-boyfriends often thought that alone was an issue, but I think they're all a bunch of cry-babies.

My current issues (which I've had since I can remember):

Social anxiety and apathy: I hate talking on the phone and will do anything to avoid it, I burn out quickly while shopping, and would rather stay at home than do most anything.
Little desire or ability to form or develop friendships: I don't want friends, as they exhaust me, but it's okay, bc I suck at making them.
Intense need to act on ideas immediately: I can't relax. If I feel like I need to paint the bedroom, I have to paint the bedroom to abate my anxiety. It's not OCDish- I don't think something bad will happen, I just need to. If I don't have a project going, my mood suffers.
Mental and physical list-making: I plan conversations, my day, my projects, etc- well ahead of time and down to the smallest detail. It's extremely soothing.
Excessive need of routine and ritual: I chain smoke- I can quit physically easily, but need the ritual. If my routine is disrupted it ruins my entire day. Fortunately the baby thrives on routine, so she doesn't cause many issues here.
General anxiety: I don't worry, or have fears, I'm just keyed up all the time, and simply feel anxious.
Rigid thoughts and beliefs: I like the social rules I know, like walking on the right side of the sidewalk, and get angry when people don't obey them. I think my beliefs are 100% correct until I pull a 180, but then I still think I'm right. For example, I was a die-hard atheist for almost 30 years, and then, overnight, became a creationist fundie. (I think I'm veering toward agnosticism now, though!) I'm a stickler for grammar and I get very angry that my local paper doesn't use the Oxford comma.
Difficulty with transitions: I'll go days without taking a shower, for example, thought I may need one badly. I care about how I look, but since the baby turned about 6 months, showering hasn't been a part of my routine and I just can't muster up the motivation to take one.
Obsessions/ hoarding info: Currently, my special interests are autism, and giftedness in children (but not in adults). If you want to know what breed of dog one is, don't ask me unless you want a 3 hour speech about that breed. I have many areas of interest, and they change somewhat frequently.
Frustration when I can't engage my interests/hobbies, or am interrupted: i once left pasta cooking on the stove while I tore up the bathroom floor (it needed to be done, just not right then, probably) and was furious every time my husband called up to see what I was up to. I hate being interrupted during a project. HATE IT.
Sensory issues: I have a freakishly high pain threshold and once walked around for 3 weeks with my arm broken in 3 places thinking it was just sprained. I also have a few stims- I chew the inside of my mouth constantly, nail-bite, ritually pick at my fingers, and grind my teeth in my sleep. I've had transient stims my whole life, but the mouth chewing and nail-biting have always been there. I have issues with lights, sounds, textures, light touch, temperatures, etc.
Need to know everything: My obsessions and what I need to know about tend to wax and wane- before we got a kitten, I had to learn everything about cats- everything. It's ridiculous. I need to know as much as possible about everything to feel safe. I had a real fun time researching NICUs, preemies, etc for the 5 weeks of pre-term labor I had with the baby. (She was born at 39 weeks, luckily.)
Arrogance: I think I am extremely awesome. I know my flaws, but still think I'm smarter than 99% of everyone.
Lack of empathy in relationships: In theory, I care about my husband's feelings. In practice, I get irritated when I hurt his feelings. Like, toughen up already, pal. I do have a lot of empathy outside of interpersonal relationships, though. I cry easily during movies or TV shows, and am deeply moved by tragedies, like Hurricane Katrina. Mostly, though, I don't care about other people's feelings (outside of my immediate family). I feel like I should, but I don't.

Bi-Polar II was a consideration in my late teens, but I don't fit most of the criteria. General Anxiety and Cyclothymia have been bandied about, but again, I don't really fit. I have a good sense of humor, have learned some social skills, but still have issues with being literal/taking things literally, and need to be "on" in social settings- I have to concentrate on eye contact, body language, taking turns talking, etc. As a kid, my family gently teased me about how much I talked, so I became very self-conscious about it. I still have issues knowing how much to say, and when. I'm pretty smart, not not-pretty, so "pass" pretty well, though once someone scratches the surface, they become alienated by my "weirdness." I haven't lived alone for more than a few weeks without becoming homeless, so though I think I function pretty well, I don't do well on my own, as much as I like *being* alone.

Hopefully Damar will provide a full assessment, presumably with the full battery of tests, from the WAIS-IV to the ADOS, and will be able to give me some answers and treatment goals. I'm trying to be cautious and not decide I have ASD, though I do fit the DSM-IV critera.

What else could it be? Generalized Anxiety with OCPD? Adult ADD and misanthropy? I need options so my mind won't lock onto ASD.

Any advice, suggestions, or feedback would be very well received.

Thank you so much for your time.

ETA: On all the dopey little Are You An Aspie quizes, I always score "Whoa, not NT!" but I don't think they're the be all and end all.

Sounds aspergery to me, if it is something else I'd reckon i'd like an update because I definitely have the same symptoms.

I don't know too much about AS...mostly just what I've learned form this site and my friend who has AS. (My diagnosis is OCD.)

But reading this was like reading about myself. So I am curious about what people think. I kind of feel like the OCD diagnosis doesn't really cover all of the things I have trouble with.

*shrug* I couldn't say.


But are you sure your daughter is severely depressed? For some reason psychs love to tack that one on to "difficult" children. I got pegged with it when I was younger even though I honestly was not and couldn't figure out why they thought I was.

If I was I would have told them, and when I confronted them on this matter I was told "Sometimes kids don't realize that they are depressed", which was the biggest load of BS I've ever heard.

At the moment, yeah, with suicidal ideation. I think it's situational- she's exhausted and frustrated with having to try so hard for every little thing. She has to cloak her OCD, figure out all the social stuff every 13-year-old does on the fly, and try to not out-smart everyone. I don't know all the bits, as we have a good relationship, but I'm not an active part of her life, which works for us all. I do know that she sounds very much like me at her age, minus the OCD (I'm obsessive, but I don't have the awful thoughts that compel the behaviors), only more so. It makes sense, as she's so much more gifted across the board than I was, and I can't help but to think some disconnect will accompany high intelligence regardless of neurology.

It's hard to say, really, is ASD really is the core issue with her, or me. Girls tend to pick social stuff up more easily, and often don't have the same obvious signs. My favorite game as a kid was to play with canned food. I did pretend the cans were houses and people, but in a formulaic, systematic way. I had scripts for pretend play I would engage in, but I did (and still do- I'm great with kids, mostly because they usually just do what they're told!) play pretend with my sister and have a very vivid imagination.

Thanks, everyone, for your feedback.