Do you sometimes feel more Aspie than others?

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I met up in a pub with some of my husband's work colleagues on Friday for drinks. I was looking forward to it as I'm going through a social cycle at the moment and I know them quite well but when I got there, I found it really hard to focus on their faces, read their body language and was just painfully self-aware. I don't really know why as there wasn't any particular reason for it.

Does anyone else get this, and how do you overcome it?

I do also...

The problem is we tend to focus too much on DETAILS.. i.e. we are constantly in "analysis mode" or "headspace mode".

You have to learn to 'shut off analytical mind' and relax, you're not looking for anyones approval, you're not trying to show off. You're just trying to find small ways to connect by finding common experiences.

You have to turn off your processing and learn to assert yourself emotionally. i.e. start talking about yourself from the "I" perspective with emotional statements and narratives people can relate to. You have to learn to "think out loud" in the sense that it's ok for you to comment on stuff like "I went on a walk today and I saw the cutest baby/dog/whatever you have ever seen, and then <insert cute thing, funny event, etc>".

The art of socializing is the art of shared experiences, try to find common emotions that everyone experiences and then wrap an everyday narrative around it. Also -- aspies have to learn how to lie and fib and make up stories. I became a better conversationalist when I was allowed to just lie my face off and use my imagination... since I come up with funny stories often that people can relate to.

Since many aspies don't have a lot of social experiences and emotional memories, they have to learn it's ok to fake it until you get enough experiences/memories happening. Most people are just looking for common feelings which they can share with others to relieve stress and feel better about themselves.

I completely agree with you about the focusing on details thing, I tend to get myself really worked up about that, then get annoyed with myself for illogically worked up about, which gets me worked up even more... and so it goes on.

I think my main problem is that I don't cope very well with being the centre of attention. As soon as more than one person is focused on me I can feel myself blushing furiously and the words get all fumbled in my head, so if I try to tell a joke or story I just tend to cut straight to the end to get it over and done with, which I think leaves the people listening a bit confused.

I'm also terrible at sharing stuff with other people as I'm never sure if what I experienced would be interesting to others or not and there's nothing worse than the feeling you get when you've launched into an anecdote only to realise that it's completely inappropriate but, like a runaway train, there's no stopping it now.

You're still in "prove yourself mode" conversation is about *sharing*, you're not trying to "impress" these people, you're trying to connect with them, i.e. give them a picture of who you are.

Many of us with AS live in our own "inner worlds" where we are our "true selves" and we never share our more genuine human-ness with others because we are unpracticed (still feel too much fear/anxiety) you have to learn to stop looking for their reactions.

Next a good idea would be to go in front of a mirror and practice expressing yourself emotionally, people warm up to other warm people who are comfortable expressing the full range of emotions. Socializing isn't a "test" it's about being comfortable with yourself and valuing yourself.

Truth is socializing for us aspies is a discpline - it requires practice, so what you should do is just practice talking to random strangers about small things you enjoy (i.e. try to make it short, with some emotion or story people can relate to) and express yourself fully, you have to get out of "fearing other peoples judgement" try to think of them as if they little kids, do you fear little kids? Our bodies often create illusions that are the source of our social issues. Don't be emotionally invested in the outcome of their reactions, you can't control how people will react, you're looking to find people that are easy to talk to. Focus on those people and you'll get lots of practice.

I have to admit that kids scare the crap out of me as they're so unpredictable.

It's weird because sometimes I'm able to do what you've described relatively easily and sometimes it just isn't happening at all. I just wish I could discover what the distinguishing factor is between the two so I could work on it.

I'm at the age to where Aspergers wasn't known or on the radar.

And yes I do relate here to what you are saying.

I remember going to a pub (bar) when 19 years of age( yes, the drinking age was 18 in this state at the time), and I wasn't comfortable at all with this, but a coworker influenced me to go.

I was "painfully self aware", and later on my acquaintance informed me that the superintendent commented on "my different behavior" there.
Reiterating this to me, while gesturing with his hand, as in rotating it on its axis from side to side, said: " I don't know about your friend, he seems a little off."

There are moments even today to where I can't seem to interface these scenarios well, but other times I can pass. Ive noticed it's contingent upon how much energy I have - (fatigue), and if I'm out of practice.

I used to refer to these instances as my 'uncanny ability to slip into this mysterious insanity'. I would seem to lose the cognitive edge, and hence lose my ability to 'interface the human element.'

I know it wasn't my imagination due to the feedback.

The frequency is less with age/experience, but is not entirely gone. In my late 30's, my wife's kids would comment on my weirdness when I have these bouts, and would say, " he's acting weird again."

Last edited by Mdyar on 19 Nov 2010, 11:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

It's interesting how you mention fatigue as being an influence as I find I have the same trouble; the more tired I get, the less I'm able to connect with people. The same goes for being out of practice. It does seem to be a skill which I need to exercise regularly, otherwise I get quite rusty.