Frustration and Anger!!

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I am a mother of a 10 year old boy who has Aspergers. He is a brilliant, vibrant child. But he is also so frustrating that at times I find myself getting extremly angry at him. He is VERY high functioning, and while he does have the social aspects of Aspergers, his other symptoms can come off as defiance instead of a disorder. Everyday, he and my other 2 children, (he is the oldest), go to the bus stop. And every day, he has to be first. He will push down his sisters to get to the bus stop first. I have tried everything from talking calmly to him about taking turns and such, to holding him back until just before the bus comes. If I hold him back, we usually get in a huge fight about how he doesn't want to go to school, or that I ruin everything. Today, I sent him out the door screaming my head off. What kid wants to go to school after that?? It made me feel so guilty and terrible. I don't know how to get through to him. I feel like such a failure. This is not the kind of mother I wanted to be. Please help.

Have you asked him why he needs to be first? There is likely to be something you're "missing." Even things that look like defiance, are often something very different - it's just that we don't know what's going on. It doesn't work if the conversations you have are primarily about telling him what he's doing wrong and why - you need to find out what is going on from his perspective. He might feel like he needs to get on the bus first in order to get a certain seat. Then you'd need to find out what happens if his sisters get on the bus first - do they take that seat, and then where does he sit, and what is the problem with the other seat. The problem may not be getting on the bus first, but what happens as a result. Some serious problem solving might have to be worked on. Until you find out what is motivating the behavior, you won't be able to address it - and just telling him not to do it won't work. I always found, with my child, that I had to figure out the right questions to ask. This could be very difficult, but it was essential. Once I got there, I could figure out what was going on, and while solving problems could still be challenging, at least we knew what the "real" problem was.

This is quite an explanation Jat gave here, my compliments. I couldn't tell it better if I tried. I was talking to my boyfriend about this the other day. Something that is extremely bothersome to you might be necessary for your son. I never want to talk with my smoking students before class. I cut them off as soon as we get to the front door. They think it's because I hate smoke. But there is only one seat of the 250 that I can sit in. Otherwise I lose control of my surroundings and the things I can see during class, and I get nervous.

I think if you ask your son, you might actually get a great, explanatory answer from him. Talk to him. There might be a seat that your son really wants, and he might think it's the most natural thing in the world.