Hi, I've just been browsing this forum for information on Aspergers, because I'm not sure if I have it or not. I've taken several of those quizzes, and every time I've been given a result of Neuro-Typical. However, I'm still not sure. I was wondering if anyone would be able to help me figure it out? Here's my story:
The thing is, I'm really shy. I've always been shy. Same goes for making friends. I've always found it much harder to make friends than just about everyone else I know, and the friends I do make more often than not turn out to be quite distant/disloyal, or worse, 'frenemies'. I tend to make more than my fair share of enemies, and I never have any idea why. I don't think I'm a rude or horrible person - if anything, I'm a complete goody two-shoes! I'm also asexual, and I hear it's common for asexuals to also have Aspergers.
Some of my family and friends have suggested to me that I might have Aspergers or autism. I've been taken to see numerous psychologists throughout my life (which was humiliating for me), but was never diagnosed with anything. Before I'd heard of asexuality, I tried to get psychological help for my 'condition'. My psychologist was at a loss to explain it as I came across as being perfectly normal. I have a much higher than average IQ, have been a high achiever throughout my education, and never really saw myself as not being able to read social cues. For me, it's like I can see those cues and recognise what they mean, but am simply unable to act on them in a way that is 'untrue' to myself. (And boy, do those mistakes haunt me for years afterwards. I cringe from just thinking of the tiniest little faux pas.) I know when it's appropriate to make a white lie, for example - but I somehow find it impossible to speak one. Withholding information is the best I can manage. And yet, I still can't seem to make lasting friendships, and I'm still making enemies left and right for what is - to me - no apparent reason.
I don't have any interests I'd consider obsessive - actually, I probably have wider interests and aptitudes than most people I know. I can do well in any class. But those interests do not include social things that most other people enjoy, like going out and getting smashed or sniggering over lowbrow wisecracks. I have trouble understanding what people see in that kind of thing - it bores me! And again, being asexual tends to set me apart in a big way. I suspect part of the reason people dislike me so often is that they view me as being conservative, naive, ignorant and prudish. This is largely their problem if the idea of disliking sex is really so very far beyond their imagination, but it's still hurtful to me.
I also had a tough childhood - basically, I was bullied quite badly all through my school years by a lot of different people. (Bullies love me.) It's possible that it was this, and nothing to do with Aspergers, that made me so shy and socially awkward. I don't know. But it definitely left its mark. I find it almost impossible to believe that any compliments directed at me are genuine; I either write it off to politeness or I worry that they're deliberately setting me up for a social fall (this is not as paranoid as it sounds, because people really did do this to me a lot when I was younger).
I've met a couple of people with Aspergers in the past, briefly, and they seemed completely normal to me. More normal than normal people! I felt more at ease around them than most others. This is another reason why I wonder if I might have it, too. In the people I met, I couldn't see any signs of abnormal social behaviour.
As you can see, I'm very confused! I don't seem to fit the stereotype of either Aspergers or Neuro-Typical. I wish I had an answer or a cause for why I am the way I am. Aspergers is one potential answer, and it may not be the right one. But wouldn't it be nice to finally know for sure!
15 Dec 2010, 10:45 am
