Well, happy new year and all. This year has been full of depression and learning for me.
First off I learned that I have Asperger's Syndrome. This just keeps getting confirmed the more I learn and the more I talk to people who have experience with Asperger's. I also learned that my father almost defiantly has Asperger's as well, he just doesn't know and I haven't decided whether or not to tell him. He and I don't get along. Probably because we both have Asperger's and don't know how to communicate very well.
The other thing I've learned is that I will probably be alone for the rest of my life. I know people will say things like "Oh there is someone for everyone." or something similar to that classic line. They just don't seem to get that I have no idea how to handle a complex relationship, the minor social cues that are needed to even start a relationship or anything at all. I even question whether or not I want a relationship. I've never had one so I don't know what I am even missing, so how can I miss something I have ever experienced.
The other thing I have learned is a bit more interesting and something to discuss, maybe.
I have learned that once I take away my social filters and different personalities I make up to socialize, I only communicate with facts and trivia. I have been working at Walmart, which I hate beyond all words, and I decided that I wasn't going to add any more stress or annoyance by being at all social. Once I decided that I simply stopped using my social filters and everything else and just went in as my true Asperger's self. It has taken a lot of strain off, but it was introduced some interesting observations on my part. I ask a lot more questions. The other night we were doing a weird project that I didn't understand, so I began asking questions. Simple questions,such as what are we doing? Why are we doing it this way, when this way would have been more efficient. I annoyed the team lead to no end. I also realized that when I did talk, which was rare outside of questions, it was in the form of facts and trivia. Such as one co-worker jokingly asked "Why is it so cold outside?" I answered that there were a few reasons, one was that the earth was tilted away from the sun, making all of the northern hemisphere cold and that we were getting a cold front from Canada which brings in colder weather. He wasn't sure how to respond to that and just walked away. Another time was someone was talking about WW1, which happens to be one of my interests and I started spewing facts and trivia about the war and the causes that brought on the war. It took me a few minutes to realize that no one cared and that it kind of killed the mood.
Of course there have been social interactions that have left me completely baffled. Even after running the events through my social filters and everything, it has left me baffled. A few weeks ago one of my co-workers was looking at one of the newspapers in the breakroom and saw a sketch of an attacker a few hundred miles north. In the sketch the man was wearing a beanie that was similar to mine and the sketch was vague enough that it could have been me. So he joked about it for a bit and then forgot about it. Well the other night one of the only girls on the shift brought the joke back, and wouldn't leave it alone. She kept referring to me as "suspect". I don't know if this was fun joking, trying to get me out of my "shell" or if she was trying to insult me or bully me, or even some weird flirting. I have no idea and it confuses me to no end.
So that's pretty much it. So happy new years folks, and thanks for reading.
01 Jan 2011, 4:23 am
