How do I talk to mom about support?

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My mom has been willing to let me stay with her since I have been unemployed and is willing to help me with any paperwork or other that I need to because of what I am going through.
I really wan to talk to her about a few topics but I am afraid since she is easily angry, I hate conflict and criticism so this a situation I avoid hence more unresolved issues to have conflict over

Any suggestions are greatly appreciated. thanx illona


1. I wanted to talk to her about not using my car for a while to not pay insurance since I have no money and if she is willing to bring me to my therapy, med appointment once a month. I am not sure how to approach her and how to deal with if she gets mad. Any suggestions?

2. Since am really bad managing my money I was going to ask her if I could give her my paychecks when I get work. Is this ok to do? If so what do I say?

3. I wanted to talk to her about how she gets mad at me easily, brushes off my concerns, does not compliment me and is very distant when I try to talk to her or ask for help regarding my mental health. I really need to talk about these three things with her but it is all to much. I am worried about bringing up one and just shutting down because that goes badly. What do I do to stay motivated and how do I break it down into what she can handle? I am very scared at the idea of talking to her? She is supportive about letting me stay there but emotionally or mentally.

I don't know the whole story but it sounds very sensible to me that you'd want to reduce your expenses right now.

If your mom is the type that angers easily I recommend writing a letter or email to her so you can get it all out. I've been in that situation many times where I can never get it all out because it turned into a 'fight' which makes me shut down/etc. Even if she still gets mad you'll have been able to make your point in the best way you can.

I probably wouldn't talk about complimenting you. People either do it or they don't; the worst is when they do it in an artificial matter. It may be a bad idea to give her your paychecks - I don't know your mom. Having it direct deposited in a bank account and only spending cash would probably help you get better with money. It is one of those things that you only get better through practice. That's my take on it anyway.

Beyond that pick one thing you want to work on and make it your focus for awhile and see how it goes.

I would write her a very brief letter saying that you would like to talk to her about XXX, and if she could tell you when would be a good time for her.

The other option is to think about when she is angry. People are rarely angry for no reason and they tend to be more angry at different times of day, after certain things, etc. Think about when she is likely to be more receptive to it and go from there.

The other way to do it would be if you could have someone else to assist you to do it. Do you have a case manager or social worker assisting you. Are you having any type of therapy, becasue that is likely to be of benefit to you anyway to look at how you can communicate better with her and any decent therapist should be willing to work with the two of you together. It is about looking at what other supports you have in your life and trying to broaden those supports.

Thank you bjcirceleb and jedaustin the more input I am getting the less stressed I am aobut it.

I think you should probably try to get a case manager to help you manage your money, rather than your mom... I don't know that it's such a good idea to let her have power over your money if she is as unsupportive as you describe.

Concerning the thing with your car, pointing out that not driving it for a while will help save money that you don't have at the moment should help to make your mother cooperative here. Of course, if she is to drive you around (even if it is only on few and far between occasions), that means extra work for your mother, so I think you should offer something in exchange to make up for the time she'll have to put into this. Try to think of any household chores you could do for her. If there is younger siblings and/or pets in your family, offering to help to take care of those may also make it sound worthwhile to your mother. Try to find something you think she would apprecciate some additional help with and that adds up to about an equal or slightly greater amount of time saved to her than she'll need to drive you around.

Yeah, you should probably pay for a tank of gas in exchange. Is there a bus system or an assisted transport system, maybe? Does your health insurance offer transportation assistance? (I know Medicaid does...)

Yey that is an awesome idea to get a case manager, if anything, getting her to help me get one would probably be the best thing since I already feel supper guilty about living with her.

I already have been using clinics, there is a really good American Indian clinic that is federally funded so has to take everyone and there is a county program for therapy/medication that I am using

I do keep the house clean as much as she lets me, she gets mad at me for not doing things her way, I have gotten better, or maybe I tired her out. She also lets me take care of the kitchen; I try to cook for her once a day and since I qualify for food stamps I buy food I can make for both of us. I have finally been able to stop being angry with her and walk away if I need to until I can cope. Our relationship is better than it has been in 20 years and if I keep moving forward it will only get better.

thanx Callista and FluffyDog, love the dog grrr.....

Talk to the places that are supporting you at the moment and see if they can help you. That means that it is one less thing that your mom does not have to do for you. And if you can find another way to get transport that would be good to??