How do I get my husband to accept his AS?

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My first post on here, so hello...and a quick disclaimer, I have ADHD, so I tend to go on and on...

My husband (age 31) most likely has Asperger's and I need to know what to do...here's the story:

His mother told me that as a toddler he would stand in his crib and yell, "Aaaaaahhh," for hours and hours. He wasn't in pain or distress from what she could tell, he just needed to yell, so she let him be himself. Eventually a neighbor called child protective services and my husband was diagnosed with Austism and was put through a very rigorous behavior management program. His mother said it did miracles. He didn't have a speech delay (which makes me wonder "Why austism?"), but he didn't like to cuddle. He continued to have a-typical behaviors thorughout childhood, but no more yelling. He had a very severe self-imposed routine, he would only wear particualr clothing, he was obsessed with sea shells, then knights, and then the space shuttle, he only hung out with older kids or adults, he was extremely "uptight." He was an impossibly picky eater. He was very sensitive to any teasing.

Okay, so fast forward to adulthood: He wears what I call "uniforms" as opposed to outfits, he doesn't really tell jokes, he is still a picky eater, he is obesessed with routine, he misinterprets many things I say, he cannot tolerate teasing, he only reads non-fiction books about war or outdoor endurance and survival, he seems very selfish and self centered, he hates to kiss or hold hands, he only has a limited number of intense interests and really doesn't care about other people interest's, he has a very technical job in geography/cartography...

So...his mother never told him that he was diagnosed with anything. They didn't want him to "feel different." She said she doesn't understand why it would make a difference if he knew now since he's turned out so "normal." But my husband has told me many times that he has always felt very different from othe people.

He has a lot of anxiety and thinks he has OCD, but he just has obsessions and anxiety, not compulsions. He says he wishes he wasn't so selfish and self centered but doesn't know how to be different. He says he feels like a bad person. He self medicates with marijuana.

I told him what his mother told me, and he said "Great, I'm a freak." And now acts as if he's in denial of it all.

I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and the diagnosis has helped me so much. I can now understand so many things about my life. I think exploring his possible Asperger's Syndrome will help him heal. I love him so much. He's my soul mate and I want him to understand his own behavior better so we can have a wondeful life together.

Any ideas? Would the Tony Attwood book shed any light?

Read the best Asperger/Relationship book ever:
Asperger Syndrome and Long Term Relationships

By the way, there's nothing wrong with marijuana self medication.

Does marijuana have special affects on a person with AS? It just makes me spacey and paranoid and hungry, but it makes my husband seem very calm and "normal" (I hate to use the term "normal." I'm not "normal.")

People respond differently to drugs. Ritalin makes me more calm while making non-ADHD people hyper. Some people smoke marijuana ang get mellow while others get paranoid. A lot of the time it depends on the setting and company. It usually makes me *more* autistic, which is why I almost never do it.

Jetson - above your pic it says "The Map Maker."

My husband is a cartographer/photogrammeter/orthographer. I asked him why he chose that career and he said, "I love maps." There's a Yeah Yeah Yeah's song called "Maps," it's a love song and it makes me think of him.

I read this book about 6 month's ago. It's very well writen, but it's outlook is a bit bleak.

I agree with you. What your descirbing is someone who has Asperger's. Examples your is showing fixed routains. Many people with Asperger's are picky eaters.

Tony Attwood's book would probably help you.

You don't really need to make hubby accept being aspergers. He might if he can see it doesn't mean he is a cripple, he just has a different set of assets (and deficits) to most people, but he probably already knows he's different, and thinks different. Problems occur when he doesn't want to be different or other people want him to conform. If you can accept him how he is, and learn how to communicate with him, and teach him how to communicate with you - you're probably already most of the way there, it's just an ongoing thing, then why bother "making him accept" blah blah.

What Tony's book and some of the ones on relationships he recommends, would do is teach you more skills on how to communicate and deal with the stresses. Your hubby might benefit from knowing some of these so he can help you understand him better too. He doesn't have to be aspergers or accept it to benefit. Lots of the basic strategies help everyone.

Bleak...how so?

I've been doing some reading online (while I wait for the book from Amazon), and it seems like successful long term relationships are difficult for people with AS or perhaps, it's more difficult for their partners. That divorce rates are extrememy high for people with AS. That partners of people with AS even experience an effective disorder, not unlike seasonal affective disorder, because of lack of emotional availablity.

I always feel like he's hiding something from me, although he's pathelogically honest!

I tried to talk to him again last night about exploring the possiblity of having AS. I told him about a local foundation that funds research studies about ASD's and that they provide some limited diagnostic services for the research participants. I told him that he could find out some things about himself and help other people too. He got very upset and said he refuses to talk about it. So I told him I'd stop talking about it until he wants to, if ever.

But I'll read the suggested book so I can understand him better and do what I can on my end.

If he's into Computers, you could strike up a conversation about Bill Gates with him. You can tell him that Gates is AS, and if your Husband seems interested, you can get him to Google AS up and do his own research. He might say, "Yes. That's me." Or he might still be in denial. It's worth a try, though.

Last night he initiated a conversation about it. He seems intrigued, yet scared about what it could mean for him. He told me he read the diagnostic list I printed out for him and that he identified with about 80% of it.

Most of the diagnostic lists focus on a-typical social behaviors and my husband actually has very good social skills. I have read that many people with AS have been able to learn "normal" social skills by adulthood. He was concerned after reading the list that he has been, unknowingly, a social ret*d (in his words). He has many many close and dedicated friends and although he comes across as being a little "nerdy," he definitely doesn't seem socially maladjusted. I tried to reassure him that like any ASD, AS occurs on a spectrum, affecting some people more than others.

I told him about Bill Gates, and the lead singer of The Vines. I think he's coming around.

I love him so much. I just want him to be comfortable in own skin.

I was ten years old when I was diagnosed, I could accept it, until my mom started telling everyone and their dog about it, then I hated it because they would treat me differently than they used to, and so I was depressed until I turned seventeen, and I moved on and learned to accept it because I knew that my family accepted me for who I am, and my I had friends who were proud of me.