I Changed My Status...

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to "Have Asperger's - Undiagnosed" just now because I came back here after not being so active for a while and started reading posts; I got so much identification again that it felt like I opened the front door and walked in! YEAH, yeah I know...BIIIIIIIIG deal But it IS for ME

The thread about remembering childhood obsessions was the catalyst for me that I really started to think about my status. After thinking about what I posted there and what I've posted elsewhere on here, I started thinking, "Who am I kidding?" I mean, I'm about 75-90% certain that the Asperger's label fits. Thanks Greenturtle74! I reread some information about PDD-NOS before I changed my status just to be sure. With some of the characteristics I display, PDD-NOS would NOT be the best fit in my mind, so I would not choose "Other Autism Spectrum Disorder." And I certainly CANNOT keep going on saying I'm not sure if I have it as I keep coming back and getting more and more identification.

Some people say you can't make a decision according to the online tests - even the more reputable ones (if you know what I mean), but when I combine my results with my experiences and my life what do I get?

ASPERGER'S.

The ONLY thing I don't have is the validation of some professional, and by the experiences of others here even THAT is a CRAP SHOOT. But as I said in a previous blog post, my PCP even agreed that I should explore the possibility. From my own experience, I believe that no one should be discouraged from seeking resolution in their lives if they have overwhelming identification that they can trace back to their childhood. I do not believe that my discovery of Asperger's was by chance as it first appeared to be; rather it was the will of my Higher Power.

I can't see someone who is truly NT coming to this site and having personal identification with others here. Unless that person has a relative or friend or SO with it, I couldn't even see the desire to be here - except to be a TROLL (lol)!

Now that I am moving past the death of my dad, I am ready to press forward. I saw the lady from Autism services where I live, and we talked but not about AS. Next time I see her, I will ask her to come here and read my posts since she can access them all from My Profile. Someone here gave the excellent advice of writing things down before talking to a professional. I think it will go a long way in helping me. Of course, if the person seems to make a quack, snap judgment, I can always go elsewhere. this lady works for one of the forerunners in Autism services, though. Still, it depends on the individual who she refers me to.

I realize that as long as I sit on this, things will never get better. I can't make the ignorant people in my life realize that no amount of bullying or ostracizing is going to change who I am to "make them happy." Nor will I make them realize that no matter what I do they will not be happy with it. And it shouldn't matter. I just believe that I hsould be able to work and live without being harassed and judged and held back. I might have ASPERGER SYNDROME, but I am not defined by it. It's one small part of me.

I TRIED TO POST THIS IN THE BLOG, BUT THAT FEATURE DOES NOT WORK!

Good for you. It's really frustrating that mental disorders are just so poorly misunderstood, even by people who should know better. They think that just because you are apparently functional, that you should be able to overcome any psychological problems, that anything wrong is just because you are weak or did not try hard enough. People need to understand that some of us are just born with certain limitations. That does not mean that we cannot find ways to get past these restrictions, but a good understanding of ourselves, a good understanding of what we were born with, is one of the best tools for moving forward, Simply knowing that you are not alone, that other people have the same struggles that you do, means so much.

Yeah, in many ways I am highly functional. However, people CAN tell that there is a difference in me.

Sometimes I frustrate my sponsor who says he knows that there is GREATNESS within me, but that it's all bottled up inside. My social and communication issues get in the way.

I get a lot of flak from people at work as I say ad nauseum because I don't date; do not desire a relationship (hetero, homo, or otherwise); won't marry and have kids; do not allow people to hug on me and invade my personal space, etc.

People who don't even know me make judgments toward me because I do not talk much and don't smile a lot. I'm not forward to the point where I'll start conversations with people or initiate speaking to them.

My special interests don't cause a lot of trouble because I learned as a kid not to talk too much about stuff that most people don't give a crap about.

I've allowed my self-esteem and self-worth to suffer as a result of abusive behavior from some people coupled with my own inability to steer away from those situations because I would become obsessed with being accepted by them or being treated fairly. Meanwhile, I allowed relationships that should have flourished to fall by the wayside. So I don't just blame the negative people in my life, I also look at my part in those situations. If I don't learn to own those situations, I will never learn to find some resolution and closure.