I have dreamed so much about being "normal". So much so that I am a true conservative. I am almost like Renee Zwellinger's character in Cold Mountain (i.e. - 'I only have gone as far as I can see in my lifetime') about it. I have said "I wish I were Old Order Amish. It would be much simpler". I was born in the idealistic era, where everyone thought that the "wide World" should be explored. Well, my family did travel me around a bit. I do enjoy seeing new places. However, some people think I am well travelled. In fact, most of the places I go are not that far away, and always very time crunched with reality (feed the cat, get back to the job, home, errands, etc.).
There were times when I dreamed about being born into a conservative family that had some position and place in the community. There are times when I wish I were born into some family of carpenters, mechanics, or other practical occupation. There are times, I wish that I had lots of relatives nearby, a big family, an ethnicity, a religious background, etc.
I have dreamed so much about being normal. I dream about just having a girlfriend/wife and a few friends. Won't that be nice? I dream that I was born somewhere and stayed put in that community and developed an identity. I dream some day that I can walk down my street and say "I belong here. This is home. I have people who care here". I dreamed that I never went to college and went through that nightmare. I dreamed that I only went to college when I had firm grounding and a career in place.
I dream of only caring about my community, my friends, my family, and not caring one bit about what the media talks about, about politics, and all that other stressful stuff. Most of all, I dream of being loved and cared for within my lifetime. I hate the loneliness. I hate the oddness. I hate always feeling that I have to hide myself and who I really am.
07 Jul 2011, 11:20 am
