My son early 20s, severe aspergers, undiagnosed, overseas

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Can anyone give me some ideas for how to keep in touch with my son? He has strong aspergers as well as dyspraxia, meaning he can't get organised. He lives with his father's new family overseas. Recently his father has become less hostile towards me and I have the
opportunity to relate to my son more, but don't know how.

I was always baffled by the way he sent me 4-word emails a few times a year, didn't seem to read my emails, didn't answer questions or ask any. Didn't do birthdays, but did do Christmas some years. Now I understand totally why it has been so difficult. I thought it was because of the dyspraxia and his father hating me, but now I see the Aspergers in him.

I want to talk to him, but don't know how. Emails don't seem to work, he gets lost in them, and he won't get on Facebook.
On the phone, he tends to give 1 word answers, and in person, well he came to visit me and seemed fine but had a huge meltdown when he got back home and was mean to me for about a year. It made me ill, and I was scared to do it again. I will have to face that.

He talks about living with me and hubby when he gets upset where he is, but we can't discuss it because of all the above. He's been apart from me since he was in his early teens, is now in his early 20s, and I don't really know him very well anymore. He was hurt and offended when I tried to expain that to him.

I can tell he believes I know what his home and daily life are like, so he doesn't feel the need to tell me. He doesn't have much theory of mind yet , although I do believe that will develop as he gets older.

I'm concerned for him because he doesn't know he has Aspergers and can't figure out why he has no life and no friends. I feel he needs me, and we need to stick together somehow.

Any ideas? Or have you been in his position when younger?

PS I have Aspergers too. So does my other child, but they are much higher functioning and their circumstances are completely different.

I don't really know that it's safe to assume that your son's issues are from AS. There are various types of learning disabilities and personality disorder which can result in the behavior you describe, and that which you describe isn't necessarily characteristic of AS.

If he becomes upset that you say you don't know him, it could be possible that he feels he hasn't really changed all that much.

If you can't be enticed into a conversation on the phone or through e-mail, perhaps you should approach his father on the matter if that is a feasible suggestion.

Well... you haven't talked to him for ages, really. So are you approaching this like a new friendship? Because... well, maybe you should.

He's probably extremely introverted, and probably forgets to contact you, or doesn't find talking to other people particularly interesting. I have that problem myself--I forget to keep in touch with people because I am preoccupied. I have found no real solution except to inform people that I do forget to contact them and that this does not mean I have decided that I do not like them.

For me, it has nothing to do with theory of mind; my theory of mind is actually quite advanced, and I have memories of understanding that other people have different mental states back from the age of about two-and-a-half (this is actually quite early; on average children begin to understand TOM around age four). What makes me seem like I haven't got a good theory of mind is that I have trouble detecting other people's mental states and do not obviously respond to them.

BTW: Dyspraxia is a medical term for difficulty with coordination; dyspraxic children walk later and tend to be quite uncoordinated. It doesn't have anything to do with organization. I think maybe the term you are looking for is "executive dysfunction"?

Chickenbird you say i remind you of your son? Does that mean i have seveare AS as well?

I might also have a personality disorder. my bad behaviour has made my mother ill and i am mean to her sometimes.

Aw Jamesy I didn't mean to say you were *just* like him, just that the little bit you wrote sounded like him. But even if you were,
he is very loveable and is a worthwhile person - that is why I want to talk to him. He was such a very cute little boy,
everyone loved him.

PS Good on you for saying something, I like that, it's direct.

Listen Chickenbird its tough being different because some normal people just do not give me a chance becasue i migth behave in a odd or ecentric manner At first they would like me then when they get to know me they just discard and do not want anything to do with me.

Even if i feel normal on the inside unfourntantly that is not what i am projecting to the outside world

Last edited by Jamesy on 22 Jan 2011, 9:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.

@ Chronos and Callista: I am just trying to cobble together some idea of what might be going on for him, and it's difficult. I am new to this and the different possibilities, and can't work it out at all the ways things are. I only really know about myself so far. The big change is I am certain it's not his fault and he isn't doing it on purpose. I feel bad that I ever thought that.

Dyspraxia is what I was told when he was in school, that's all I know.

Yeah, me too I had no idea people saw me this way Having a hard time with it.

Can't blame normal people (NTs) for feeling this way though.

I supppouse really our only option is to get Congitive Behaviour Therapy which in the long run could help.

Its just upsetting when there are people you really want to get to know but when they see your ecentric behaviour they just want nothing to do with you. I don't get it really becuase on the inside we feel normal but on the outside we just behave oddly?

I agree with the bit about being discarded later too. I find that more difficult than not talking to me in the first place. I never know what I did, and I can see their faces changing as they like me less

Again though you can't really blame them can you?

No, that is the strange thing, I don't blame them. I like sociable people too. It's all very confusing.

And like you, I meet people I like and would really like to get to know better. And I usually spot my eccentric behaviour just *after* I do it, not before. You can't apologise for everything all the time, that is also "eccentric".

At the moment I act like I am "very shy" which I think is a bit easier. I don't start conversations, and I would like to say less until I get to know someone. Even that is a bit hard to actually do though.

Be grateful your a women becuase being shy is a more socially acceptable trait if your female than it is if your male.

OH MY GOD YES i find that i apologise WAY too much and people always point it out.

PS I am sorry I dramatised it when I tried to describe my son, it's a bad habit I have. Gosh even on here I feel like I am always saying the wrong thing and realising it later.

Yep same with always saying the wrong thing LOL.

I don't know if that's always true - my other son is good-looking and presents as shy, and women are crazy about him, they just don't know how to get close to him. I know this because my sister knows his workmates and they joke about it.

And my now- husband was shy when he was dating, around the time we met, (second marriage) and women wouldn't leave him alone. Except for me. Which I think is why he married me lol.

So, no apologising? That was going to be my other option, now it's gone

I have to go now BTW, need a break.