one you've all heard before: "is it Asperger's?"

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My ex-husband's nephew had severe Asperger's and a rough time socially and with academics, so I became quite familiar with the signs. I've been interacting and observing my boyfriend's son (15, same age) over the past 7 months and the behaviors are so familiar... I don't want to bring it up as I'm afraid the reaction will be outrage and denial, but I'd still like anyone's opinion.
Simon is extremely quiet, does not make eye contact, has odd somewhat formal speech patterns and a slight impediment (trouble with consenents so that he sounds as if he's slurring - quite difficult to understand at times), is obsessed with "Family Guy", war-type video games and music (unsure of genre), and is very awkward and uncoordinated with strange hand gestures and movements. He spontaneously starts talking about unrelated subjects, and finds what he's saying so funny that he laughs himself into over-stimulation. However, he is a very good student (As and Bs) and has no trouble in school. He doesn't have many friends (to my knowledge, just one good friend since childhood who now lives in FL and is a sort of "nerd" type himself), and really has no social interaction at all. He avoids talking for long periods, communicating with shrugs and grunts. On his weekends with us, he walks in, plugs in his laptop, puts in his earbuds and plays endless video games online while listening to music. He has no interest in doing anything or going anywhere. His mother buys his clothes and he wears whatever she buys, has a "bowl" haircut and wears tinted glasses (they got him contacts but he didn't like the sensation and didn't want to get used to it). He needed to start shaving but had to be literally forced to do so. His entire world is video games and movies and his Android phone, which he never puts down - he seems obsessed with it (games, videos, music, movies) and never takes the earbuds out.

I'm concerned about him and don't have anyone to talk to as no one I know has even HEARD of Asperger's. Does Simon sound like the typical "mild case" scenario? What do I know, I'm just a worried N-T mom... (My son is 18 and as nt as they come.)

Thanks for listening...

In short, yes. I'd only worry about a diagnosis if his condition is affecting his life severely enough, e.g. if he can't live independently or can't interact with others enough to do a job later on in life. The most reliable way of knowing though, is from remembering how he was as a child. Apparently people with Asperger's are quite similar to classic autism cases in childhood, apart from developing speech at a relatively average age. They show a lack of imaginative play (e.g. pretending toy soldiers are real), lack of shared attention (not pointing to things and looking to parents to get the parents to look at those things) and sometimes seem as if they're deaf to what their parents say to them. Additionally they're intolerant of changes in routines, having tantrums if anything changes and have tandem-gait, where they walks by putting one foot right in front of the other, as if walking on a tight rope.

Thanks for your input - I've no one else to discuss Simon with. At this stage of his life, it doesn't affect him very much but I worry about him developing more of a life for himself; the one he's living now is more suited to a 9 or 10 year old than a 15 year old...

In fact, on re-reading what you first wrote, it does sound like he'd have trouble doing an office job or any type of job involving interacting with others and the fact that his mum buys his clothes also seems as if he really would have some difficulty living by himself. If he's the science type though, then a diagnosis might not be as important because if he plans on becoming an academic researcher or something along those lines then his lack of social skills shouldn't be as much of a problem. Still, he might have problems getting a wife later on, it'd really limit his job options if he can't interact well enough with others, networking is often important for success in any career field and together with what you said about his ability to develop a life for himself, I'd say a diagnosis would definitely be helpful. Don't count on me though, since you know him more, and there's always the risk of stigmatization by employers and others if they know about his diagnosis (employers might know since it might be reported in his file) so whether or not to have him diagnosed is a cost-reward thing. Do you plan on getting him diagnosed then, or did you just wanna know more about him?

Your son could be very unhappy. My parents did nothing too, figuring "school's fine" and I didn't hear they even suspected Asperger's till years later and also learned they were completely oblivious to my deep depression and feelings of loneliness.

There could be a lot your son is not telling you that is upsetting him.

I had wanted certain clothes but did not take the initiative to go and get them and basically just wore what was bought for a long time until I took the initiative my senior year. I still dress more like I'm in high school now in college, because I feel deprived of experiences I wanted to have.

I had wanted lots of friends, I wanted to go to parties, I wanted it to be like it was in the movies. Did anyone have any idea that that's what I wanted? No. Most people still don't know that, even though I've gotten to have more experiences like this in college. There are so many things I find out people think about my thoughts and preferences that are just completely wrong even now and it drives me crazy.

I'm not sure how to deal with this possibility that he may be very unhappy without you knowing, other than letting your son know if anything's bothering him that your listening. Just don't make the mistake of thinking that as long as academics are OK that everything is fine.

Personally, I would disclose this as soon as possible. Years before my mom told me she suspected I had AS I had noticed a bunch of links to sites about Asperger's on the internet and had figured out then that she was suspecting, but completely denied having it myself. I was so offended that she wouldn't just tell me that I vehemenently dismissed the possibility when she did bring it up.

Also when you do tell him remember DELIVERY is key. Raise it as a possibility, but make sure you don't take a "I'm sure" tone. Do NOT try to rush your son into accepting this, encourage him to read about it and think about it. And do NOT try to have this conversation while you are driving a car. Parked is OK, but not while driving. The same may or may not be true of your son, but when ever anyone tries to talk about something serious(or something that feels serious) while they're driving especially if I'm sitting in the front passenger's seat I get nervous. I don't like the feeling of being captive while someone is telling me things I disagree with or even am unsure of. I want at least the physical option of walking away.

Yeah, part of the reason my diagnosis was missed--despite probably being diagnosable with classic autism as a child, and later PDD-NOS--was that I am good at academics. My mom was convinced that nobody who got good grades like I did could ever be disabled, especially not mentally disabled. Unfortunately when I left home, I wasn't ready to take care of myself, and that had quite a few bad consequences.

Lack of imaginative play is actually one of the less common autistic traits... just fyi. It's not something you should be counting on as a red flag or lack thereof.

Some of this reminds me of what I was like, especially the laughter. I had a hard time controlling laughter and would laugh non stop once I got started. I would become absolutely giddy. It would annoy people. They even thought I was on drugs, but I was never on them.