Please Tell Me How I'm Wrong

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I'm really new to all this, and I'm finding it very difficult. I have a habit of majorly overreacting to bad news at first, then simmering down and becoming more reasonable as time passes. I hope some of you can convince me that it's not like I think it is.

I'm not diagnosed, but the more I read about Asperger's, the more I'm convinced: that's me. My therapist is pretty sure, too, but she's not familiar enough with it to give an official diagnosis.

For the past while, I've read support websites, blogs, message boards. I've laughed at self-deprecating humor; I've had my heart broken when I read things that have happened to some of you that I could see happening to me; I've been overwhelmed with the utter relief that comes with seeing so much that is exactly what I feel and have never been able to explain to anyone. And I've cried, a lot.

I've cried because it seems like there's no real getting better. There's no way to learn all the random little social rules, no way to keep people from talking about you when you're not there or when they think you're not there, no way to keep friends from leaving (I've had a LOT of friends--almost all the friends I've ever had--leave eventually, and I never, ever understand why). You can either fake it and have friends who aren't really friends because they don't know the real you, or you can be the real you, and have your friends leave. And yes, I know, not all friends will leave. But over 99% of my close friends have (yes, I am nerdy enough to have done the math ), and I've never known why.

I feel now like I don't want to have friends anymore, because there's so much MUCH greater risk of being hurt than there is of having a friendship that either lasts or just peters out naturally (not because someone just disappears with no explanation). What's the point of trying? I can't take 60 more years of crying every day because people don't like me and I don't know why, of thinking I have friends who understand me who really just want to escape. Why keep on?

I'm sorry to be melodramatic. I just feel so overwhelmed.

This is the section of text that contains wrong, in my eyes. How are you wrong? You've come to conclusions too soon.

Don't give up on finding friendships. Chances are you just haven't met the right people yet. Keep looking and keep your chin up.

There is, and they are not random, they have a logic that you don't understand yet.



I don't see how preventing communication between people who aren't you would help anything.



It is possible to learn how to be a better friend, learn to understand their needs and desires, and accommodate them.



Are you very young? I am guessing you are under 25 at least, and possibly a teen.

People generally get more forgiving as they age. You will also probably gain a better understanding of how to interact successfully with NT folk.

My advice in the meantime is to make a study of social interaction and body language. And read these forums for information, there are many who have been in your shoes and overcame at least some of their difficulties. There is an entire section headed 'Social Skills and Making Friends', it could be a very useful resource for you.

There's nothing wrong with taking anything seriously and people who think otherwise don't have your support.

You're the first person on here who addressed the possibility of having AS that I personally think actually qualifies. Everything you wrote sounded exactly like me for so many years before I was finally diagnosed.

It is a lifetime struggle but not a hopeless one and you will find in time that you are content with surviving by your own rules and ways of life. And as for friends leaving...well that sorts out that 99% of your friends weren't real friends to you at all and that the 1% has greater value. You'll find it's better to have a few close friends then a bunch of phonies.

Best of luck with you on your diagnosis btw.

+1

Going to try this again. I don't know where my reply went. Sorry for the double post if I made one, and sorry that this one will be more abrupt because I'm tired.

I'm over 30.

I don't see what's wrong with wanting to be someone that doesn't get made fun of whenever her back is turned.

As for coming to conclusions too soon: I hope I did.

I've read a LOT of the social skills threads. They're both helpful and the reason I'm so scared. I see people who've been diagnosed forever still having the same trouble I'm having. It feels good to know, though, that I'm not the absolute only person to feel completely confused socially. I've felt completely out of it forever, and I never knew why. It's good to know.

I apologise, I have made an inaccurate assumption.



Nothing wrong with that.



Me too.



There are a lot of people here of many different ages at different levels of social skill and ability. Some of the teens here seem better adapted than some of the older folk. In this, as in so many other ways, age ain't nothing but a number.

Adaptation is possible, the extent may vary from individual to individual.

I apologise if my initial posts seemed a little cold, I do want to help people improve their lives. I hope things do get better for you. If you have more questions do ask them.

We will always have trouble socially but we realise we the necessity in trying. Don't let these things defeat you. Some of us here who seem to seamlessly integrate into society find it a constant struggle and it will probably always be that way. As for people making fun of you behind your back, don't give that too much thought. People make fun of the Queen of England. My point is, people will always be doing things like that for whatever reason they may find. Focus on yourself and improving. Let people waste their time doing whatever.

What I see wrong with this is that you are wanting to be something that is completely dependent on other people's perceptions. For others not to make fun of you, you would have to conform to whatever their idea of acceptable happens to be at any given moment. And if their idea of what is acceptable changes, you would have to change or you would be right back to them making fun of you behind your back.

It would be far better to have a few friends that don't make fun of you behind your back no matter what you are like to their face. These are true friends. They are hard to fiend, but pure gold when you do find them.

I wasn't offended. I only made my second reply shorter because I was aggravated that I lost the first one, and I thought I'd be going to bed. (Instead I keep reading... )

What I guess I really want to know is: how do you get to the point where you can just keep going, improve yourself for your own sake, not worry about what other people think? I can know in my head that a few good friends are better, that what other people think about me doesn't matter...but so far, I still cry every day. Obviously it can be done; look how many people have done it! But I don't know how...so I'm asking.

I hope that things work out for you. Welcome to WrongPlanet.

We're walking this road together. And... you find people. Look for misfits. See people when it's just the two of you. Make friends with Aspies.

Some of us find that it hurts. Some of us find that it doesn't. Some of us even find that life is wonderful. So... good luck. It's mostly luck and attitude.

Small steps, friend. This is coming from a person who was constantly depressed and suicidal who did most things to gain acceptance. Sometimes very small steps. I have one friend I talk to when I have breakdowns and trust me she helps far more than having a group of acquaintances. You will slip, you will fall but keep trying and you'll see progress.