Autism & Being a “Private Person”

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Sounds familiar.

I need my boundaries.

And I need people to not to touch my sh!t.

I might not have chosen my words very well here

- So, I didn't have that many bullying experiences TBH (had my share of abuse though, but it had nothing to do with peers) and with age they faded even more. Nobody really pestered me or became aggressive because they thought I didn't have friends - IRL I somehow seem to attract attention from more people than I can handle, I'm not sure why.

- You are very lucky and I really wish you stay that way. I have a hard time handling drama and would do anything I can to avoid it - a significant part of my family is very inclined towards it unfortunately.

- I agree with you and I rarely ask for favours or help. I offer it a lot more though, but being very aware how limited my emotional resources can be sometimes, I don't like being pressured to do it, especially if it's not a "serious" issue. For instance, I often go out of my way for someone vulnerable or in need, but I won't cave in to family/peer pressure of the variety "what will people think", "that's what everybody does" or similar.

I was a lot more social when I was younger and becoming self-sufficient to a high degree increased my "reclusive" tendencies. But I still have a pretty good circle of close friends with whom I'm not secretive, while I've lost some of my availability to acquaintances. This could also be a matter of age, as I've seen a lot of people become more selective in their '30s or maybe just my own way of managing my relationships without getting overwhelmed.

I can't do "pushy" - it's not in my nature and it bothers me so much when done to me, I could never do it to others

I hope that's more clear - maybe we're both projecting a little while coming from a very different background?

Yeah, I've never had people coming after me. Only when I pursued people, I was able to gain friends, and they all ended up being temporary so at some point I simply gave up and began trying to make my life meaningful in other ways. I never do intend to be pushy, but I'm pretty sure that sometimes I end up coming across that way to people. Now that I am aware of it, I control myself much more, but it is difficult when there is no clear boundary between being "engaging" and being "pushy".

Perhaps it is the fact that I'm young that is the reason behind my uninhibited nature. Truthfully, I find that I've gotten tied to too many people lately. It's a lot of responsibility, but once a relationship is formed, it is very difficult to let go of it. I truly, genuinely value all of these connections, but at the same time, it's just too overwhelming. Getting to know a new person, for me, is like learning a new story, and that's why meeting new people can be addicting.

I really do get your side of the story, and that's how I've felt about people before I changed. Now, it seems almost as though my confidence gave me wings. I'm coming from a setting where the people I socialize with either have some kind of disability, or are older adults (mostly in their 30s). These are the only people who have ever seen anything meaningful in connecting with me. To some extent, I've enclosed myself in this bubble. But I'm not ashamed of belonging to it, either.

I would like to socialize and I would like to be fairly open.

It's just that when I was growing up, everything that I did or said was a potential topic for cruel humor. After a while, I learned to defend myself by keeping everybody at a distance, and only letting people know what they needed to know.

Also, my parents had some problems with boundaries, so I protected myself by keeping things to myself.

I have described myself in the past as "intensely private." Until the past year or so, I almost never shared anything about myself with anyone, beyond the most superficial details (and even those, I was often reluctant to divulge). Though I remain very private, I have recently started to spontaneously share things about myself with people. I'm not sure the value of it--I feel freer, but mostly it leaves people bemused.

Likewise.


Almost everything I've posted here has been something which I have never said to anyone ever.

I am actually the exact opposite of private, which people find annoying and very "unladylike." Whatever that means. I have no problem being completely honest about everything I do, feel and am. People tell me I should keep a lot of this stuff to myself. But I feel like I am lying if I don't completely expose myself.

So I guess I am similar to the OP. Are there a lot of other Aspies out there like this?

I love this place. All I ever have to do is read and sooner or later I come across another a discussion on a topic I find confusing. Wp is a lifeline to me.

I have to agree with the control viewpoint, establishing boundaries from intrusion. I do want to be open to people's suggestions on how they view me so I can correct whatever issues I can correct. I am partially open to random observations, if I can logically see they are the truth.

On the internet I think it is ok to have more caution. I see your point of wanting random viewpoints but it is much more difficult to read someone's intentions. The best way to develop trust with anyone is to see how someone lives their life. That gives me enough information to weigh their opinions.

It really kind of freaks me out when people post picture after picture. I don't get it. I don't even know why anyone would want to. It is frustrating too when people dominate picture areas. I can't imagine being that in love with my own image. The internet does give people a false impression that everyone is looking and watching each other.

people care about themselves the most

You sound like my mom. I don't know if she is an Aspie, but she has a lot of Aspie traits.

I think that the natural state of Aspies is to be like you are. Its just that a lot of us learn to be private in order to survive. Part of being Aspie is not knowing how much to reveal, and it is often safer to reveal as little as possible in order to avoid revealing too much.

Whoa, I feel the exact same way.

To me, it's not about "caring too much about yourself", though... it's about showing your life to others. I find that there are some people i don't want feedback from, but there are also others I want as much feedback from as possible. It may have been the result of increased trust of people. I think that many people post their pictures, their stories, etc. because that interaction with other people is like oxygen to them, and sharing through Facebook becomes a substitute for them when they're not with their friends. Online interaction in itself can be a grand illusion. But the concept is similar, at least to me, to writing an autobiography, intended for thousands of people to read. And many people with AS write their autobiographies... so are people with AS really that private?

This forum shows otherwise, too, although it's a skewed picture since no one knows as to the real proportion of people with AS/autism who are on this forum in comparison to the real-life prevalence of ASDs (and it would be so difficult to determine since people from different countries come here, or they may seek to share themselves in other settings, such as a real-life support group).

I don't tell people much about myself in person but it's not really a choice, it's more of an issue actually getting many words out at once. When I can I give too much information. Since having access to the internet and writing blogs I've opened up a lot more.
I went a whole 10-15 years of barely saying anything to anyone, even not knowing how to say goodbye, so when I did get around to speaking, when I'm capable of it I just don't know what to share and what to keep to myself.

I really don't have a problem talking about myself. I rather people know all about so they can either accept me or reject me. I don't want no fake friendships in my life. I've got no time for them and I can pick them up really well.

I think it's strange people don't want to give up personal information like a real name or a photograph but that's just me. I get a bit creeped out if they don't use their actual photo on Facebook. You don't know who you're talking to..

I've been told I'm a private person, which surprised me considerably because I wasn't being purposely private. I think with me it's more that unless someone asks me something directly, then it doesn't occur to me to tell them. A lot of people seem to seamlessly bring their private life into conversation, even when the conversation is about other things, but I don't do that. I talk about whatever the conversation is focused on, and even if people start talking about their private life, it simply doesn't occur to me to start also talking about my private life.

On the internet it's very different. With a blog, the purpose is to talk about yourself. On forums, people ask specific questions and you answer. But in 'real life' real time conversation, it's not clear cut like that. People often avoid asking direct questions because they are seen as rude, but I need direct questions to realise that someone wants to know something.

This. I also dislike unsolicited advice and nosy questions.

I had what I thought was a low profile website with my portfolio on it and my students visited it, nosing into my business amounting to about 13,000 hits in about 10 months. I don't like people in my business. It's why I have no girlfriends.

Grr, I tend to give that to people often because I mistaken whether they actually want me to or not. Nosy questions is a difficult one, too, because sometimes whoever you're talking to does not talk much and you ask them something because you genuinely want to know about them, but then you end up being too invasive.

I really like to get to know people and to help people, but ambiguous stuff like this that I have to figure out is annoying, and rejections are nasty. Without helping people, though, my life feels empty.

Yeah, I am a female too.

In elementary school I was a nonstop talker. People had to tell me shut up. Back then I wasn't bullied. But when I hit middle school, the other kids starting calling me a "weirdo" and a "dork." So I DID mostly keep to myself.

In HS, I stopped caring about social crap and went back to my original nature.

So perhaps, if more Aspies, didn't allow bullying to overtake their lives they would not stay private people.

You know, I have found that even with no questions asked (like if you ask none) most people will talk incessantly - they'll give you some tidbit of info and then pause and then just blab the next thing they're thinking. People talk at me all day. I don't ask them personal questions yet I know TMI about them!

Very interesting ideas! Yeah, I am kind of like that too, in wanting feedback. And it is definitely easier to do on the internet (somewhat anonymously and such).

But mainly I feel like my life is one big book. I am the writer of course, but all of the people I meet are characters in my story. It's best to know lots of details about characters. And it's best to reveal the same about you.

I have a MAYBE bad habit of pressing people for questions I probably shouldn't be asking. But I always feel compelled to finish their stories. As I am a teacher I've somehow gotten a lot of my students to tell me very personal things that the other teachers tell me they had no idea about.