Having disagreements/arguments

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It has come to my attention that I am terrible with disagreements of any kind.

when i was a kid i was yelled at a lot. i learned that my happiness depended on being able to please my mom and that arguments meant i wouldnt get what i needed (in this case acceptance understanding connection love etc).

After a short lifetime of these one sided arguments (I never talked back, couldn't), I went to college . And I can't recall one argument I had with one person in four years. I never got close enough with anyone to argue with them. I was too busy trying to please them. My whole method of social connection and of making friends or whatever was trying to be as charming and funny and pleasant as I possibly could to get people to like me. So I got superficial connections with people and got enough approval and connection from them from these admittedly shallow interactions to sustain me for the four years.

Then I come home. To an explosive house. Where my dad's chronic pain issues means that EVERY issue, no matter how small, is grounds for a major argument and more than a healthy dose of shouting and finger pointing.

And I am in a situation where, not being independent at all here, I have to assert my needs in a way I've never had to do in my life because I could previously fill those needs myself.

My parents, having problems and issues themselves, can not always fill these needs.

Arguments follow.

Kate explodes. Kate is scared. Kate runs and tries anything to avoid the shouting. Kate is scared to death of asking for anything.

I had a conversation with my parents where I told them I was afraid of making them mad, especially by asking for something. They told me there was a difference between getting temporarily annoyed and really mad, and that most people who are angry calm down and forget about it later.

I just can't see it, though. I know my mind thinks in a very black and white way, but I can't seem to help it. To me, if someone yells and is mad at you, then they really hate you. It feels like the world is ending. I can't ignore it or pass it off. I start crying hysterically.

For minor disagreements, too. That's the other thing. If someone disagrees with me, I feel like they are attacking and rejecting me.
Tonight on the phone with my grandfather I took a small risk and told him about a small argument I had with someone today and asked him if he agreed that this other person was wrong. He told me he thought I was wrong. And, it sounds bad, but I just couldn't stand that. I told him after we had argued for a while "If you had just said, I SEE WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM, BUT I think what you did was wrong and you need to overcome that need to fit into society" then I would have been fine. I just need to know someone understands me or else I feel so shut out and isolated.

But the basic thing is I can't distinguish between different shades of relationships and arguments it seems. Between petty disagreements to real fights, it all seems a crisis to me. Having someone annoyed at me makes me panic. I'm not quite sure what to do about this.

I can trace it so clearly back to the fact that when I was young I needed approval for emotional survival as it was the only social contact I had, but I don't know what to do about that either, what's done is done.

Not being able to read social cues because of AS complicates it further.

Can anyone relate, ie have similar problems with disagreements with people, or does anyone have any suggestions?

Thanks
Kate

I can definately relate to that. My family's a really chaotic one as well--loads of arguements all the time. I used to yell a lot more than I do but I still do it, especially when I'm being yelled at or get interrupted.

I don't really know how to deal with it. I pretty much spend as much time in my room as possible whenever my family's home, to get away from it. When that's not an option, what I find the trouble is that when I'm getting angry, I either don't think about controlling it or just don't care until AFTER I start yelling, and by then I'm too deep into it to want to control it. I dunno if it's the same way with you or not. What I find sometimes helps is just really trying to always be concerned about that, so that you can try tackling it before it becomes a problem. And if you do it once, then it's easier to do it again. It's hardest to do it when you're not in the habbit, and easiest to get angry when you're in the habbit of getting angry and not controlling your anger.

As for people not getting things, well, I can't really give much advice about that. Most people just don't understand things, and if they do, then they often don't express it in ways we understand. Sometimes asking them to be clear about that at a time when you're calm could be of some use.

Sorry if that's not much help....

The problem with arguments is that they happen because the people involved are convinced that they are correct. Or at least they want to make it seem that way. And that generally they believe that everyone else should feel the same way.

If you are just having a discussion, the differances are less irreconcilable.


In my opinion, I never win arguments. But I've been told that I frequently do, but the other party doesn't let me know it.

So I think that it might be the case that in an argument, no one actually does win. Even if they're 'correct' (I'm not sure that truth even exists, which makes for some interesting arguments.)

There are a lot of people that you just can't deal with. And often they seem to be ones parents.


The problem arises that in order to have a discussion rather then argument is that the people involved need to be reasonable people that are fairly emotionally balanced. That you have some trouble with this is hardly surprising considering the envrioment in which you grew up in.


As far as how one becomes better with disagreement? I'm not sure exactly how one goes about this. Maybe this is the sort of thing that you can train. Find someone to disagree with, and practice trying to not get too worked up about things.

You don't even need to go so far as to not get bothered by anything, ever. Just to the point that it becomes not so distressing towards you.

I don't like to become entangled in arguments - so most of the arguments with my husband are one-sided with him doing all the yelling and me just trying to wait it out. If he pushes me enough I usually still won't yell back but intead make a little comment and then that really sets things off. But I figure you can't really win arguments with some people so it is not worth bothering to try. My husband will turn around and be the most pleasant person afterwards like it is no big deal. To me it is strange, but so are alot of things people do (lol).

i dislike arguements, although i have been told a few times that i am fairly argumentative. i put this down to my being somewhat pedantic. in a discussion, staying level headed and logically putting your point across can enrage an emotional response in certain types of people, so i would say that i am not intrinsically argumentative, but have a habit of unintentionally provoking an argumentative or emotionally charged response in certain types of people. it is something that at certain times in my life, i have had much difficulty with, in work scenarios, relationships, etc.

i have a tendency to be like this. probably because mostly i tend to avoid becoming too emotionally involved in the arguement. to me, arguing is not generally a personal thing, although many people take arguments very personally. perhaps i need to learn to bite my tongue on these occasions.


edit to fix the quote!!

Last edited by peebo on 05 Jul 2006, 1:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

walkinthe rain, are you not bothered by what your husband does? my mom used to yell at me horribly and knowing i could never win i just waited it out but it kind of destroyed me inside. my dad does this now too and my stepmom does the same thing and waits him out (sometimes she argues back but mostly she lets him rant) but i dont know how she does it, when he yells at me, its like the most awful thing in the world. how do you manage to tell yourself "this is only a stupid thing he does and has nothing to do with me?" both my mom and dad are pleasant after as well, it drove me crazy with my mom though cus she would act like nothing had happened.

Kate

I tend to have disagreements and arguments with others as I can misinterpret what people are telling me or I don't always know when people are joking around. I will then fly off the handle if I don't like what I hear and make an issue out of it. But I do hate arguments and disagreements as it is awful when you have conflicts with people like this. I always feel awful during an argument, especially when you end up falling out with someone, thats harsh.

Yeah, my family members were emotionally volatile. Arguements were something I learned to avoid, they felt too threatening. I wouldn't say yes to things to please them, I'd just refuse stubbornly-that's where my willpower is-being immovable object. Eventually & gradually I avoided more of my family, as I got old enough to move away. In college I made friendships which didn't feel stable or reliable (nor were they)-but they were great practice for a few years.

It's ridiculous, but I get upset at thinking anyone (a stranger, even) dislikes or hates me, thinks I'm a bad person. Misunderstandings are guaranteed to happen, but I'm terrified people will draw inaccurate conclusions about me & then carry around that wrong idea about me ever after. I get so anxious about differences of opinion that I try to head off certain topics (IRL) because if we get into it, I'm going to lose my temper. I also cannot differentiate between levels of emotion-mad is mad, it seems. I feel very extreme emotion & can't forecast that I'll calm down a lot later-guess NT's can ? I believe what I sense, then I feel disturbed, then I have many frantic thoughts. Examples:just the sound of door-slamming or dishes crashing in the sink can make me feel scared, like the person causing the loud noises must be angry. Overhearing someone telling story to other person, but is displaying/expressing intense rage or grief, frightens me-even though I'm not involved.

I'm not choosing sides in that above scenario. I would suggest that you explain whether you'd like to hear response based on detached analysis (sounds like what he did), or based on subjective priorities (what matters to you). It's often a male-female communication glitch, the pattern of female wanting to talk & be heard, while male sees it as problem to solve. Or a generational thing. Or a conversation-gone-wrong that could be improved the next time you two talk.
My mother took my side often, as I got older, when I felt ill-fit for living. She comiserated with me (she died before I was dx'd). I miss that about her-being able to phone & whine & weep and she'd say how awful my suffering was & somehow that meant something, coming from her. She was also mean to me plenty, but she was so strange (yet socially successful) that I never got the "act normal" vibe from her.
Yes, it sounds reasonable for you to want/need validation of your version of an experience. I am fortunate to have a couple folks who can occasionally correctly imagine how I function mentally (from combination of them observing me & my telling them what I notice).

No advice, alas. You aren't the only one, though. Trying to override my instincts & perceptions with my intellect/logic doesn't work.

Sometimes it does bother me but I guess part of the depression makes me not want to react to it. And he insists that it is just the way he is. And that part is true - I'm not the only person he acts like this towards. So I try to remember that afterwards but kind of just try and block it out when he is in high gear and shouting about everything. I just don't understand though how after they do that, then they can just act like nothing happened.

Good point, most people wont admit they "lost" the argument. But sometimes the other person TRULY wins if there is an argument about sth practical (u can see the results after the argument)



I dont like arguments too btw. Is it an aspie thing?