Newbie to site and in need of help.

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Hi
I am new to this site and am seeking answers. My husband and I have recently been given custody of his 12 yr old grandson. Over the past few months we have had him diagnosed as having Aspergers and ADHD. He is also border line Mentally ret*d. We knew from the past he was ADHD, but thats all we knew.
Now that we have custody our lives have changed dramatically. I am in need of some sound advice for raising him. I have read so much information on Aspergers it seems as if my head is full of so much info I dont know which way is up.
We have also had him in behavioral therapy so he is on medications. Recently, he has become more aggressive in school and at home. He was hitting another child last week and has become very argumentative with myself as well as his teachers. How much of this do I consider puberty and how much do I consider Aspergers?
There are days when I speak with him I feel like I am talking to a blank page. Other days he seems to get what we are saying. I dont know when to punish or not punish. Does he really get me or doesnt he?? How do I know??
My husband and I are trying to re-wire (as a lack of other words) him from his previous living situation. Prior coming to us he pretty much had free range to do whatever he wanted, such as cutting up clothing, starting fires, destroying anything he chose to without any consequences!! Now in the past 9 months, we do use consequences as well as behavior modification. I am just so confused to know where we stand on what he gets and doesnt get.
If anyone can help please let me know as I am so in need of any help I can get.
Thanks for listening.

A couple thoughts:

1. Tell him over and over again that you love him for who he is. Tell him you aren't trying to make him uncomfortable by the therapy and other things you've introduced into his life; your just trying to help him build skills to make his life better.

2. He will probably need time to adjust to the change in environment. Did he also change schools? Many people with autism (including AS) HATE change. It may be a good idea to limit changes until he calms down and gets comfortable with the changes that have already happened.

3. Punching the other student could be a response to bullying. Try to find out if the other student was picking on him. If so, discuss better ways to respond. Also do what you can to get the school to prevent the bullying.

4. I basically already said this in item 2, but I think it needs extra mention. Limit how much change he has to endure.

Hey Josh
I cant thank you enough for you post. He started this school year at a new school. As far as therapy, he has been in therapy for years, we change his therapist due to the fact that he had been at the same therapist for over 7 years and still no progress. We found a behavioral therapist that has been working on social issues and is able to prescribe meds.
As far as the student he hit, the other child was not bullying him, our grandson was upset that this child won a game and he didnt.
I try to keep so much love in our home, I hug him daily, play games with him, talk with him and help with homework daily. I dont want to use excuses for me, but I am feeling a bit overwhelmed at times. I so want to make his life better than it was. I want him to feel safe and loved.
Thanks so much Josh!! !

You also have to factor in that if he knows about the aspergers that is hard on people as well. I actually found out I had it a couple weeks ago and soundly had a meltdown and broke my hand on the floor. Just work with him.

Josh
First of all, I am so sorry that you got this news!! I am hoping you have support to help you!! !! Thanks so much for your help and advice!! We so love him!! !
Diana

The statement that I'm about to say is a cry for people on the spectrum, around the world.

"I do what I do, because I am who I am. To change me would be a rejection to me."

Anyways, I wish you and your son the best of luck in the future. The members in the Parenting Forum would be more of a help. I'm useless in this area. I'm just a rebel.