Where to go from here?

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I've been lurking around this community a lot over the past few months (after, for some reason, being scared of looking anything up), and finally decided to register and post an 'inquiry'. First, I'll provide a little context on 'events past', to go through to current state and finally my question, which has already implicitly been asked in the topic title.

According to my mother, I've had various 'issues' ever since age 3. Even though remembrance of those days seems quite bad, I do still remember a few facts (anything irrelevant to the current topic taken out), though they do not really exist in direct chronological order. At age 3, and later on (again) at age 5, I remember having gone to some location (on the other side of the country, where I lived in the northern part of the Netherlands, it was pretty much in the southern part) where one of the things done was an (useless, but anyway) 'IQ test'. Later references showed that (likely the second case?) resulted in a 'high' score, with a test meant for 'ages 10 and up'. However, I'm getting ahead of myself again.

Around age 3, I was placed in a standard 'school' (for those not familiar with the Dutch educational system, since the 80s 'kindergarten' and primary education have been 'unified', with the first 2 years of primary education being equal to 'kindergarten'), with exact information on the events there not really existing. Some time later (1 year, possibly), I remember actually doing 'arithmetics' in 'first grade' (technically, third in the Dutch system, again, but I'm using US numbers for easier reading) a few times a week.

(slightly related side-fact in the meantime: for my fourth birthday I got a 'brand new' computer for myself only, with a few simple video games, and I apparently really liked messing around with it, and shortly after I could easily reinstall the entire operating system by myself)

Again, later on, around age 5, I remember having had to move to a location around 40-50 kilometers away (the reasons are unknown, though I'd expect it was caused by me), and being placed pretty much at 'first grade' level. Around that time, the second 'evaluation' came, with a report stating '[issues] might be caused by peers being less intellectually advanced' and '[target] should be relocated from 2nd grade (oops, wrong!) to 3rd grade'. This was done (though learning materials remained at '1st grade' level), and went, well, *possibly* smooth -- as stated, I can't remember much from those days.

Around 1999 (age 6, that is), after some irrelevant events, my mother and father divorced, and my mother had (immediately, possibly?) already found a new partner, living in the town that 'we' had left a few years ago. Again, a new school came with that, but also a whole slew of new issues.

The initial termination

(sidenote in the meantime: somewhere at age 6, though unknown when exactly, some older kids tricked me into 'trying to kick them', eventually holding my foot, causing me to fall, and 'semi-breaking' (not breaking -- damaging? -- , but similar treatment) a bone in my lower right arm)

Even though this is still a very inconsistent bit of memory, I can remember eventually (in 2000, where I was technically in grade 3, at age 6-7) being sent home daily, likely for bad responses (meltdown? crying? I don't know) to having to do certain things. A recent fact I recalled might have had an explanation for these events: apparently, in such cases I'd either a) get sent to the 'kindergarten' groups, which seemed to be a lot more 'fun' or b) have to wait for my mother to arrive, and read some highly interesting book (it had stuff on reproduction, the universe, and various other things) from the 'grade 6' bookshelves -- I guess I eventually noted I'd rather have those than do some task I really wouldn't want, and that would be the way to get that.

Eventually, which was likely a conscious decision by my mother, I was taken off that school, and entered around 6 months of limbo.

(also somewhere in that time: me getting a 'report card' with 'social behavior' being ranked 'very bad' and wondering 'but why? I did everything right?')

A possibility denied

(unsourced event in this 2000-2001 'limbo' time: being diagnosed with PDD-NOS, being put on Ritalin (but due to insomnia caused by it, being replaced with Risperdal), 'parents' apparently having large trust in facility and not reading up on books (or just not liking books. ), starting on computer programming with some files found on the system installation disks)

Anyway, on 2001-04-11 I was eventually placed in some facility (30km away from where we used to live) consisting of children with various issues (ranging from ADD and behavioral issues to depression and 'waiting time for custody' after parents dying) -- it was pretty similar to a 'boarding school', completely living there for the time of placement.

This facility still shows up in my memory as the best case of 'social functioning' I've had in my life up to now, even though the purpose it had wasn't that great. Any time I'd be even slightly 'behaving badly' (what this exactly consisted of, I don't know -- ranging from just simple defiance to a full-scale meltdown) I'd be taken to a room to 'cool down', though that's exactly what I couldn't do. I usually went screaming even more, wondering what I'd done wrong, and eventually having been held by 2 people, lying on my stomach, with one person holding my arms, and the other person holding my feet. At times, even that didn't work, and I was moved to some 'solitary isolation unit'-ish looking location in that building for 20-60 minutes, with checking up if I could get out every 20 minutes.

(more randomness: eventually 'going home during weekends' was changed into a reward, where going to 'isolation' would be complete removal of all points for that day)

Eventually, on 2002-06-2x, I was 'finally' no longer in that facility, though (like the facility directed me to 2-3 months ago) still in a 'special education' school a few blocks away from that facility. This was a classic case of 'weird handling', however. I was put in a 'group' with other people (named 'zorggroep' in Dutch, sort of like 'needing specific care', I interpret it as 'we don't have any other place for these idiots' nowadays) who all were at least 3-4 years older than me, and no actual 'guidance' for the education material existed.

Instead, I had to 'go by my own pace', though even that was pretty much restricted. I had to do *all* assignments stated in the textbooks (which in 2003 got moved to 'low-level secondary education grade 7' level), and wait for a teacher (read: supervisor) to answer if I came across an activity I couldn't (or didn't want to, though that was way less common) do. That usually broke my flow, caused me to get impatient, ask out loud, and be placed in some room similar to what happened in the 'facility'.

(in the meantime, read some funny numbers: an English 'workbook' took me 2 years to complete, even though English is a near-native language of mine, and it was meant to be completed in half a year)

In this case, however, things only got worse. The 'teachers' in this case dragged me to sit on a table, with one holding my left arm, the other holding my right arm, and not talking to me. If I'd use my feet, they'd only hold me even more. And usually it took me 20-30 minutes to finally calm down, and even then nobody wanted to explain to me exactly what happened. 'Calming down' was actually even explained as 'not even swinging my feet' -- even harder to do. (hm, at this time I'm starting to get a little angry while typing) The few times I still had some mobility during the 'meltdown'-ish part, I usually tried to hit or even bite (!) the persons holding me.

(also in 2003: old computer I got in 1997 being replaced on my 10th birthday, getting my own internet connection afterwards, and still everything being in my room, and around then, the first 'suspension', plus an announcement that a three-strikes system was in effect, and if that would fail, I'd be put in yet another 'facility', but this time until being 18)

This is bad... really... bad....

During preparation for the 2004-2005 'period', a difference was announced: instead of me being in the 'special-care group', I'd be separately guided by a single, specific, teacher, who would be with me at all times. My stepfather then (though this was a few months before that relationship ended, and he got replaced in 2005-02, and died -- murdered -- in 2005-01) said 'hah, you? I don't even think you'd make it' -- or something similar -- at least.

It went great for a few months, until eventually 2 cases happened that were bad enough for a 'suspension'. Luckily, one more chance was given... which accidentally run out in 2005-05, when during being dragged to some room (where? I don't remember) I (standard 'meltdown' action, apparently) kicked a 'mailbox' from the wall in the main hall. Oops. That was the last 'strike'. (though it seems being singled out was actually *worse* than the fake group)

Do the limbo!

However, I wasn't put in a facility for the rest of my childhood. Instead, I remained home, and the issue went untalked about for a few years. What, 'compulsory education'? Apparently, for some reason, *nobody* cared about that. Maybe I was registered as 'home-schooled', though I technically wasn't having any 'education' or even 'social contact' at all. (note: I did not use my internet connection to read up anything about the diagnosis that was made in 2001 -- it was deemed unnotable. however, I did come across one time when I looked it up a little, but I only came up with a single, short, useless, irrelevant Wikipedia page)

Two possibly notable events happened during this time -- firstly, in 2006, I noted (going from things read online, and my smaller brother) that the origin of all 'social contact' was school. Secondly, around 2006-2007, when I was sad about 'having no friends' again, my mother said 'yeah, if you don't go outside, you won't meet anyone -- just try going outside and find some people', not noting that I say that's pretty much impossible, and now making me know she didn't read anything about that diagnosis either.

Time just went on... until 2008.

A different country, a new chance, which was useless

In 2008, we moved to this small town in Germany. I wasn't taught any German before, and didn't deem it needed to learn German myself, as I wouldn't have to speak/write German anyway -- or so I thought.

However, first some notes on this being a 'small town'. It has less than 1000 inhabitants, is in the middle of a mountain range, the nearest city (50000 inhabitants) is 20km away (and 300m below, making the only viable transport method a motorized four-wheel vehicle), and doesn't really have much except for tourist targets.

Anyway, somewhere near the start of 2009, after my brother was assigned to a school (medium-level education out of 3), my parents decided to ask if there'd by any chance be any option for me over there. This eventually lead to a series of conferences, 'preparation class hours', and yet another diagnosis, this time of Asperger's (which even my parents didn't see as 'more of the same', not relating it to 2001's diagnosis of PDD-NOS).

Around 2009-09 the 'experiment' started (in 'grade 9' out of 10 on low/medium-level education, wow), with a 'supervisor' person being assigned (the wife of the 'headmaster', even) and only a very small amount of 'class' hours. It went pretty much okay, with most of the classic 'meltdowns' being replaced by shutdowns, and oddly getting those any time a new 'class' was added, which I didn't know of. In 2009-10 I already said I didn't like the 'supervisor' person (a female reminding me a lot of the 2004-2005 case) blocking me at most times, especially when attempting some 'social' contact... but the request for just attempting it normally was denied with a simple 'but you need me'.

In 2009-11 I noticed I could easily have senseless 'small talk' conversations, even in German (which I still couldn't write) with the 'supervisor' being a notable amount away and no 11-year-old kids screaming from multiple directions (which make me unable to understand anything, and just cause me to get locked inside my mind), and in 2009-12 something semi-bad happened, which I consider the 'first strike' according to the 'three-strikes' theory I thought up 2 weeks ago.

Anyway, I was done early with a '2-hour' test (which was simplified as part of idiotic special-casing), and rushed out the door to catch the bus home. Except for, after I already said to the 'supervisor' person she could leave as the bus would 'arrive soon', the bus didn't arrive due to bad (snow) weather conditions and normally nobody being on that route/time -- it was deemed useless. I tried to use my phone to call home, but I didn't think I had the home phone number in the phone (it had been given to me by my stepfather, with 99% of phone numbers being old Dutch phone numbers of his, and not having a 'delete all' option), and eventually just stood there. After a while, I decided to go to the headmasters office, with him being the only person I would deem being able to help me out. While going there, some weird friend of my brother said '[my brother] is waiting at the bus stop', and then I went there to ask for the phone number.

He asked if I wanted to use his phone to make the call, but I was so set on executing my 'emergency script' I was told of by my parents ('calling them') I just decided to use my phone. I hadn't expected a name to appear on the phone (apparently the number *was* in the address book), but anyway just asked if I could be picked up. It was denied -- 'you should just wait for the next bus, we'd take 20 minutes to arrive'. I got a meltdown. I attacked a few of the *children* (11-13) who were also waiting for a ride to my location randomly, some even starting crying, before finally calming down.

I can also remember 2 people from my class having seen the issue (them living in a location with the bus arriving 2 stops next to it, the others all lived locally in that (15000 inhabitants, quite large, and still having 10km of mountain road) town), and then just calmly going back. When arriving, my parents were oddly waiting at the bus stop -- apparently one of 'children' I attacked was a girl who apparently lived next door from us, which caused a lot of stuff I won't go into detail about. I still deem this as having been fixable by having *someone* live in my town, but obviously, nobody did.

Downfall take II

In 2010-01, after the 'winter break', I apparently started caring more about the differences between me and others. I thought up 2 weird words, 'PreCo' and 'LoCo' -- 'pre-existing contact', as in existing relationships and 'local contact', as in 'circumstantial contact living in local location'. This eventually also lead to 3 shutdowns in a row due to some activity that'd be done in groups of 2 people, but I was the 'non-linked' 21st person in the class... and that activity took 3 class hours on 3 different days.

After that, I got 'suspended', which I recently describe as 'strike 2'. Sadly, this also made me miss some 'orientation' of a forced-ish 'internship' thing that apparently is standard in 9th grade over here... making me not know what it was about until the suspension ended and that 'forced internship' started. After the first day, I deemed it as being 'not good at all', but my mother said 'you should just hold on for those 3 weeks'... but it had no human communication, and was a lot like the 2004-2005 case -- no communication, just a 'supervisor person' and useless tasks, ....

Eventually, on 2010-02-18, on the morning before going there, as I seemed to act a bit badly, my mother said 'maybe you should stay home', but me fiercely being against special-casing caused me to refuse that 'offer'. After having no task to do, and having lost interest a bit, the 'supervisor person' decided to say 'this won't work today' and 'you should go home'. Yet another bit of special-casing, and 'going home' being something very bad, this angered me to start some long pre-meltdown-ish discussion. Eventually (as it wasn't a 'school' context, technically, which due to 2005-05 implicitly makes me shutdown at all times) I hit that 'supervisor person' with my (empty) backpack 2 times... which eventually caused some weird stuff to be done. I was easily calmed down, but some people (including headmaster-annex-supervisor's husband) appeared... and then when home my mother was angered at that again, saying it was 'unlikely I'd still be able to continue on school' and 'there'll be a conference at home tomorrow, you should stay upstairs'. A few hours later, she was called again... with bad news: the project was terminated. Again. And again, no instant continuation was available, and apparently the 'being in a facility' wasn't done again, as evidenced by me still being home.

Fallout from the termination... LIMBO TIMEEEEE

As I was very tired when I finally got to writing this part, I'm just going to state this as a list of facts, possibly with dates.

- I deemed the school as being too low-level, even though it was a medium-level secondary education case.
- 2010-05: a person from 'social services' (?) came regarding continuation, eventually was 'amazed' at 'not being attempted without supervisor person'
- 2010-07: idea was given of 'maybe retrying school', if I'd really want to
- 2010-09: it was stated preparations would 'take too long', as it'd be a lot of effort to find another supervisor (what happened with 'attempting without supervisor') for only a few months before school would end on medium-level secondary education (high-level secondary education went up to grade 12)
- in that meantime, I got more jealous about people (mostly 'reference point' people (contacts I've met online and have frequent IM conversations with), one of which actually has a suspected ASD) actually nearly going to tertiary education, having 'exams', starting to have social contact, causing me to shutdown at home too (where I oddly actually can type, though not talk)
- as I now will have no proof of secondary education, none of the likely options are possible... which leads to

Where do I go from here?

A few things that I deem impossible:
- Medium-level secondary education would be impossible due to it ending too soon.
- High-level secondary education would still have the issues of this town being much too small, and as such not having any chance of 'social contact', and would take until 2013.
- Tertiary education would require at least some proof of secondary education, corresponding to a specific level. As I'd love 'university', that would be nice if possible, but it'd require at least a proof of high-level secondary education.
- Directly continuing to 'work' would just be a bad thing, as I still want some of the experiences of education.
- Starting to 'work' for myself would be even worse, as it still wouldn't fix 'social contact'.

In fact, I want to know what to do to fix the following issues:

#1: 'social contact' -- even some talking to people of similar age would be nice! however there are no clubs or whatever in this town, and as said no way to go anywhere else... and I guess no people of similar age living here either.
#2: continuing on a 'standard track' to 'education'... this is even harder to do.

Any hints?

P.S.: I know the writing style went very bad at the end of this post, but I've been typing for 2 hours, heh.

EDIT (16:30 UTC): ah, some things I forgot:

a) I still can't write German properly (but also don't have any cases to implicitly learn it), and would prefer to be out of Germany again, and would be required to be out of this small village at least
b) in 2010-09 I also read here that 'meltdowns' are a documented symptom, which made the 'uselessness' of failures lead back to 2000, not 2010, and caused me to start thinking about my issues... a lot....
c) (aww, I forgot in the meantime. stupid working memory. )

I'll first try to summarize what I got out of your post. PLEASE correct me if any of the major facts are incorrect!

You entered school at a normal age, but have had a very rough time during school. Part of the problems were caused by long periods during which you did not attend school at all, other problems were caused by your behavior at school. Most, if not all, of the bad behavior was due to meltdowns, shutdown, and other issues which appear to be related to your AS. This has left you behind where you should be at your age. If I am reading correctly, you were last doing work at the level expected of about a 14 or 15 year old, and were able to do the work, but could not handle the situation itself.

You believe that you are capable of doing work at a level appropriate to your age, and that you could continue to learn, including advanced material which would earn you a college degree - but that you are incapable of attending traditional classes due to obstacles presented by AS. You want to advance your education, but need advice on how to do so without having a "normal" educational background to build on.

In addition to the problems you have had in your educational process, you are currently in a very small town in Germany. You feel that you need to, at least, move to a larger city to have any chance of furthering your education, and would very much like to leave Germany (although you did not specify where you wanted to move).

Is this a reasonable understanding of your main points?

I'm not sure if I will be able to offer any specific suggestions, but wanted to make sure I have a grasp of, at least, the basics of your situation before I try. Also, that was a lot to read, and I wanted to condense it for others who might be able to help, but not be able to focus through your rather lengthy post.

Whether any of us is able to give you helpful advice or not remains to be seen, but I certainly hope you are able to find your way through these problems and build a satisfying life for yourself.

Welcome to the Planet!

Hello DBNetwork,

Welcome to Wrong Planet.

Would it be possible to continue your education with home schooling? It sounds like the social part of education is more difficult than the school work itself. Maybe your parents could buy you some used school books, so you could continue learning if home school isn't an option.

It sounds like you are getting better at controlling your meltdowns. I hope this continues, and you are able to do the things you want as a result. Anxiety and feelings can be hard to manage, but it seems to get easier with time.

It sounds like you've come a long way from the struggles you had when you were younger. Keep that in mind... regardless of current events, or recent problems, you've come a very long way. I'm sure your progress will continue.

Sorry your post looked too long for me, good luck

I had expected some requirement to explain a bit better, as I find most of my writings quite incoherent after reading them over again. Anyway, here goes -- I usually write better if answering line-by-line.



Pretty much correct.



Again, *mostly* correct. Even though I've not had any knowledge of many of the 'subjects' prior to those events, I still managed to eventually be noted (around 2010-01-3x) as pretty much 'the best student'. However, I still wonder if the 'surrounding' events would have been handleable without the 'supervisor' person blocking me... though I might never know.



Pretty much, indeed. The main issue with 'traditional classes' however is possibly non-existent, and might easily have disappeared or been manageable since 2005.



Pretty much. Also, I just seem to have a weird disliking of Germany, the German language and people in here, though I would likely manage staying here for some time -- I can at least speak the language.



As stated above, pretty much.



Again, at times, I just write my posts way too long-winded.



It's always unknown, but it doesn't hurt trying to post here (it's not as if I had anything better to do )



And thanks for the welcome.

The first option seems highly unlikely, though again I do not know why. Learning things by myself sounds like a possibility, though getting motivated for it is not really too easy.



Yeah, it was one thing I was pretty much amazed of during that 'project'. I wish it'd carry over to home as well...



That's indeed one of the (few, heh) positive things I noted while thinking over events past.

Yeah, at times I just write insanely long posts which could easily have been written in way fewer lines.

(oh, and I just did a triple post -- it's a workaround for phpBB2 not having a 'quote' button in the 'topic review' box. )