Wanting to understand more about Aspergers
My husband has not officially been diagnosed as yet, but he has rated highly in the Aspie quiz (I don't know how accurate these internet quizzes are) and it has been mentioned by his psychologist. In my opinion he fits many of the traits I have read about.
I was wondering: do specific asperger traits fluctuate in their intensity as a result of external factors/stresses? For example, during the working week my husband very easily gets immensely stressed with changes of plans, things not being in the right place.
If I ask a question, he believes I am accusing him of something. eg: "did you feed the dog?" is translated into "you didn't feed the dog"
If I offer advice or help with something, he thinks I am telling him he is stupid.
Basically, we can barely have a conversation, unless it is to discuss his special interests.
Then at other times, particularly when he is not working for a period of a few days, he copes with things much better. He still has his routines. usually at these times he is much more talkative about his special interests. But he is also more likely to not be so stressed and react to conversation and my comments in calmer ways.
My husband is very sensitive to criticism. He believes that when our children misbehave, it is a deliberate ploy by the children (age 7 and 10) to irritate and upset him. Whereas I see the children misbehaving as "normal childhood behaviour" that needs to be disciplined and managed.
My husband is very, very talkative about his special interests no matter where we are. However, is it common for people with aspergers to be able to manage their emotional reactions to situations (to a degree) when they are in public or at work. Then bring all this frustration back home to their loved ones. For example: my husband may have a bad experience with a salesperson in a shop being rude to him. He won't necessarily say anything to the salesperson at the time, but once he is back home, I will hear about it for days, weeks, months. The same story over and over again. I always say to him "if you are so angry about it, why don't you go back to the shop and have it out with the salesperson instead of taking it out on this family".
I would be interested to know others thoughts on this to help me understand a bit better Thanks
Yes. Stress exacerbates AS traits.
Very Aspergian
If I offer advice or help with something, he thinks I am telling him he is stupid.
I'll venture this is more defensiveness than Asperger's directly. It really weighs you down when you are often misunderstood or misinterpret others so eventually you start assuming others are just being critical.
Very Aspergian. But this can be attenuated through hard work. Basically, if he becomes aware of his behaviors, he can develop better ways of dealing with things. He can't change the underlying neurology, but he can adapt his behaviors.
Then at other times, particularly when he is not working for a period of a few days, he copes with things much better. He still has his routines. usually at these times he is much more talkative about his special interests. But he is also more likely to not be so stressed and react to conversation and my comments in calmer ways.
Not really an Aspie thing, IMHO. Everybody does better when there is less stress. For an Aspie, doing better might be different, but it''s still the same equation - less stress = less agitation, anxiety, etc.
Misreading intent is a problem for Aspergians. But assigning a nefarious intent is not automatic.
That's Aperger's for you.
Then bring all this frustration back home to their loved ones.
Not just Asperger's. Everyone has to manage their reactions in public. Then they come home, drop the pretense and the family suffers. The issue with AS is that it take A LOT of energy to manage reactions so often he might arrive home running on empty and ready to crash and burn.
Obsessing over a single incident is more AS than not.
He sounds AS, and since his psychologist suspects it, it would be worth drilling down into it. One good thing about AS and autism is that often understanding is a powerful tool. As I understand my behaviors, I can more easily adjust. But someone telling me to adjust doesn't work. The understanding of WHY I do things and WHY I need to change is really important. It's not just an ego thing about needing to be right. If it doesn't make sense to me I have a very difficult time acting on it.
_________________
When God made me He didn't use a mold. I'm FREEHAND baby!
The road to my hell is paved with your good intentions.
Thank you so much. What you have said really helps me to understand things better. He has depression as well which has probably been brought about because of lack of knowledge about his condition and lack of understanding on my part and others. He is mid 40's now and finally learning about Aspergers. He has had years of criticism from his parents and others in his life. So I sort of see it as a compounding of problems. Definitely going to pursue getting a diagnosis though. Knowledge is power.
Depression is not at all uncommon, but for someone with Asperger's the depression is not the primary issue. The depression (for me at least) is an artifact of never quite putting the pieces together to have a "successful" life. It is maddening to be constantly out of sync with everyone and everything.
_________________
When God made me He didn't use a mold. I'm FREEHAND baby!
The road to my hell is paved with your good intentions.
If I offer advice or help with something, he thinks I am telling him he is stupid.
I'll venture this is more defensiveness than Asperger's directly. It really weighs you down when you are often misunderstood or misinterpret others so eventually you start assuming others are just being critical.
I agree, this is defensiveness however Aspies will usually tend to be defensive to a noticeably higher degree than others. ADHD can also cause extreme defensiveness, as well as several other disorders.
Very Aspergian. But this can be attenuated through hard work. Basically, if he becomes aware of his behaviors, he can develop better ways of dealing with things. He can't change the underlying neurology, but he can adapt his behaviors.
Very true, and changing this behavior can be very difficult. The best way to approach it is to ask him to at least attempt to view things from your perspective. Ask him how he might feel if all you ever talked about is what interests you. Aspies may intellectually understand that conversations are two way streets, but becoming aware that the conversations they are engaged in are mostly ONE way, is very difficult. Gentle reminders can help.
Hopefully, and it sounds like this is true, your husband is actually interested in learning about his AS? If that's true, that's a HUGE advantage. His interest may eventually help him get past his defensiveness.
Then at other times, particularly when he is not working for a period of a few days, he copes with things much better. He still has his routines. usually at these times he is much more talkative about his special interests. But he is also more likely to not be so stressed and react to conversation and my comments in calmer ways.
Not really an Aspie thing, IMHO. Everybody does better when there is less stress. For an Aspie, doing better might be different, but it''s still the same equation - less stress = less agitation, anxiety, etc.
I'm going to have to disagree on this one. This could very well be an Aspie thing. Not that a lot of people don't have problems dealing with stress, it's just that certain disorders like AS and ADHD can cause the difficulty to be exponentially worse that for those without disorders. The key is in the degree.
Also, the aspect of taking a few days off being different can be affected by a common AS trait, which is trouble "shifting gears." (This is very common with ADHD as well by the way.) We can be like fully loaded eighteen wheelers that take a long time to get up to speed, and need a lot of advanced warning about upcoming twists and turns in our "routes." While most people can manage to shift gears during the drive home from work, and change roles from being whatever they are at work to being a wife, husband and/or parent at home, this process can be far more difficult for an Aspie. He probably doesn't realize or even think about the fact that all the way home he's mulling over in his head all of the problems he's dealing with at work. He may be (as many Aspies are), afraid to stop thinking about them because to do so might mean that tomorrow he's have to start all over again getting his mind in gear to deal with them again. I know while I was working, my mind would be "on the job" all week long, even at home because of that very difficulty.
On the other hand, if he knows ahead of time that he's going to have some extra time off, he's probably subconsciously preparing himself to "down shift" and turn onto a different route. He's probably more prepared to switch roles simply knowing ahead of time that he WON'T have to think about work problems for a while.
This too, is a matter of degree. Yes, everyone has to deal with stress and may not do it well sometimes, but the Aspie NEVER deals with it well, and it's much more noticeable.
Misreading intent is a problem for Aspergians. But assigning a nefarious intent is not automatic.
No, it's not "automatic," but it is very common. A great deal of us are repeatedly told throughout our lives that we are "stubborn, lazy, and argumentative," by many people who have no idea what's really going on with us. Hearing that kind of thing for many YEARS, tends to cause low self esteem. Low self esteem can, and often does, lead to defensiveness and near paranoid behaviors.
Then bring all this frustration back home to their loved ones.
Not just Asperger's. Everyone has to manage their reactions in public. Then they come home, drop the pretense and the family suffers. The issue with AS is that it take A LOT of energy to manage reactions so often he might arrive home running on empty and ready to crash and burn.
Absolutely!! ! "Public" behavior, for us, takes a lot of energy. It's like pretending to be somebody that isn't necessarily "you" all day long. The last thing we want to do is keep "acting" once we walk into our doors at home. So we ALL drop the pretenses once we get home, whether we have AS or not. But if you think of putting on pretenses as straying from who you really are, and between who we "act like" during the day, and "who we really are" at home, is a powerful rubber band, you can imagine that rubber band being stretched all day long. When we get home, the rubber band pulls us back to who we are. The Aspie's rubber band is POWERFUL!
That's called "dissonance." The dissonance between who we really are and who we become for the outside world, as Aspies, is much MUCH stronger than for the average person.
Obsessing over a single incident is more AS than not.
Exactly. Why he doesn't go deal with the salesman can probably be traced back to the amount of time and energy it took him throughout his life to learn to behave "as expected" at work. He's learned how to shift into that "work gear." To change the way he's dealing with people at work would mean "rethinking" and "relearning" how to deal with his coworkers. As he learns more about his AS and how it affects him and those around him though, he may see the value in rethinking things like this. It'll take quite a bit of time though.
He sounds AS, and since his psychologist suspects it, it would be worth drilling down into it. One good thing about AS and autism is that often understanding is a powerful tool. As I understand my behaviors, I can more easily adjust. But someone telling me to adjust doesn't work. The understanding of WHY I do things and WHY I need to change is really important. It's not just an ego thing about needing to be right. If it doesn't make sense to me I have a very difficult time acting on it.
The "key" will be in his level of interest in his own AS. A lot of people reject the notion, at least at first. The first indicator that something good might come of it all is the moment a person starts saying things like "AHA! This explains [fill in the blank] and THAT explains [fill in the blank]."
When you start hearing things like that, it's just the beginning. It's a fantastic sign though. It's the awareness stage, and a lot of us never get that far. It can take a while though, to learn adaptive strategies. And it will help a lot if YOU take that journey WITH him. Learn as much as you can about AS. Learn first to ACCEPT what it is, and not to try to change him. Change, if it's to come about, MUST come from him. Not from outside demands. And he'll be much more likely to attempt to adapt and cope if he is simply accepted for who he is to begin with.
The toughest part of dealing with AS, ADHD, or any other disorder, is learning what you can change, and what you can't. What makes it so hard is that we can tend to keep second guessing ourselves. "Is this REALLY something over which I have no control, or am I just making excuses?" Assuming we are just making excuses, when the problem really ISN'T one we can control, can cause a lot of problems. It's not an easy journey, and there aren't necessarily any clear answers to some questions.
Read up and get to know yourselves and each other.
_________________
I'm not likely to be around much longer. As before when I first signed up here years ago, I'm finding that after a long hiatus, and after only a few days back on here, I'm spending way too much time here again already. So I'm requesting my account be locked, banned or whatever. It's just time. Until then, well, I dunno...
Not very accurate because they don't take into account how the person was as a child, or consider other things which can cause similar social issues, such as schizophrenia spectrum disorders.
I was wondering: do specific asperger traits fluctuate in their intensity as a result of external factors/stresses? For example, during the working week my husband very easily gets immensely stressed with changes of plans, things not being in the right place.
If I ask a question, he believes I am accusing him of something. eg: "did you feed the dog?" is translated into "you didn't feed the dog"
If I offer advice or help with something, he thinks I am telling him he is stupid.
Basically, we can barely have a conversation, unless it is to discuss his special interests.
Then at other times, particularly when he is not working for a period of a few days, he copes with things much better. He still has his routines. usually at these times he is much more talkative about his special interests. But he is also more likely to not be so stressed and react to conversation and my comments in calmer ways.
My husband is very sensitive to criticism. He believes that when our children misbehave, it is a deliberate ploy by the children (age 7 and 10) to irritate and upset him. Whereas I see the children misbehaving as "normal childhood behaviour" that needs to be disciplined and managed.
Most people, whether they have AS or not, are more sensitive when they are stressed. A person with AS may be stressed more than the average person in "normal" situations simply because they have a different set of stressors, and most of those stressors seem to be things that most people have more capacity to deal with and don't think much of. However things that might severely stress most people may not stress someone with AS.
Being more sensitive than usual, in general though, is not really an AS trait. People with AS are just sensitive to different things, and tend to get harassed more about things due to the inability of others to empathize with the person with AS (so who really has the empathy problem?)
But your husband might just be a sensitive person.
Generally, I don't think children are trying to annoy me when they are being annoying. If a person with AS traits tends to feel others intentionally try to persecute them on a frequent basis, it might be more indicative of a schizophrenia spectrum disorder, such as schizoid personality disorder.
Many adults with AS realize that despite their difficulties, they are expected to act in particular fashions. "When in Rome, do as the Romans," type thing, but much as one might get stressed after a while when they are in a foreign culture, people with AS tend to get stressed, and keep it all in until they get home.
This isn't really a trait of AS in itself, and really has more to do with personality, but if your husband has AS, he may be more upset by these situations for two reasons.
1. Your husband is aware that there are rules of conduct in society, and this person broke a perceived rule and put your husband in a vulnerable situation.
2. Because this person acted in an unexpected manner, your husband became angry but didn't know how to deal with the situation.
Of course we don't really know what's going on in your husband's head unless he tells you. It might be, that much like with the children, the person wasn't intending to be rude and his perception was that they were intending to be rude specifically to hurt him (not a trait of AS).
Much of the persecution/sensitivity/avoidant things you have told us about are really ambiguous concerning the subject of AS, because there are other things which can cause a person to act in such a manner, such as passive aggressive personality disorder, avoidant personality disorder, and certain schizophrenia spectrum disorders, as well as past experiences and so on.
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